


you saw all of my thoughts, i saw all of your skin

by sketchy_and_unformed



Series: I'll give you the part of me that no one ever gets [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: ANBU Kakashi, Aloof guarded Kakashi, Anbu Tenzo, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Past Relationship(s), Porn with Feelings, Socially awkward Tenzo, Sort Of, Tenzo has a lot of growing to do, Underage Sex, and yet somehow this manages to be smutty?, bisexual Tenzo, but kakashi is too dumb to realise that at first, grey-asexual kakashi, mutual pining kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:42:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 59,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26681593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sketchy_and_unformed/pseuds/sketchy_and_unformed
Summary: Tenzō knew that he should step up and be the adult that his team needed him to be, inspirational and full of blind optimism. Gai would be. Asuma would be. He should tell Sakura that she was right to care about Sasuke beyond sense or reason, he should tell Sai that all feelings were better than being empty and that even pain could make him strong, but he didn’t believe any of it enough to say it.“Why do you do it?” he asked instead, looking from one to the other. “Why do you form such deep bonds with each other? How can you stand it?”~~~Freshly assigned to Team 7, Tenzō struggles to get the hang of life outside of ANBU. Can he learn to let people get close, and can he and Kakashi move on from their complicated past?
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Original Male Character(s), Hatake Kakashi/Yamato | Tenzou, Tenzou/multi
Series: I'll give you the part of me that no one ever gets [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128920
Comments: 33
Kudos: 106





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title is adapted from a lyric by The Dangerous Summer (song: 'Ghosts'). Without their Mother Nature album, this fic probably wouldn’t exist.
> 
> Spoilers through episode 112 of Shippuden but also 349-361 because that arc is everything and you’ll never tell me it isn’t canon.
> 
> Author is British so British-English spellings are used (for the most part). I watch the subbed episodes so dialogue and characterisation is based on subs, not the dub.
> 
> I don't like to spoiler too much so if any of the tags concern you please do message me for more details before reading.
> 
> This is my first fic for the fandom and I wholeheartedly welcome constructive criticism. That said, I’m very happy with how it turned out and I hope you enjoy reading it.
> 
> If anyone is interested this fic does have a playlist on Apple Music, PM me for the link! (it’s heavy on emo-punk-rock).

Tenzō knocked on the office door with curiosity at the forefront of his mind. It was unusual for the Hokage to summon a soldier of his rank; missions were normally given to cell captains to disseminate. Although he’d now been a member of ANBU for over a decade, he’d never had any interest in leading his own cell.

When Tsunade had first taken over the office of Hokage, she had conducted brief interviews with almost every jōnin in Konoha, as part of her review of the village’s strategic operations. She’d lifted her eyebrows as she’d looked over Tenzō’s record.

“You are currently Konoha’s longest serving member of ANBU, Tenzō. Were you aware of that?”

Tenzō inclined his head to indicate that yes, he was aware.

The Godaime steepled her fingers in front of her mouth and frowned at him. “But you’re not a captain.”

“Ah, no.” He resisted the urge to shift his weight, standing ramrod straight in his uniform with the familiar weight of the porcelain mask over his face. “I don’t believe that it would be the most effective use of my strengths.”

Tsunade raised her eyebrows again. “You don’t believe so?”

“The Sandaime and I were in agreement,” he said quickly, blushing behind the mask. Sarutobi-sama had been an informal leader, particularly in his second term, just as likely to be found drinking tea and playing shogi with his ANBU guard as he was to be conducting any ceremonies of office. For the most part, he had ruled by consensus and refrained from making decisions that would affect others without listening to what they had to say beforehand. At this, their first official introduction, Tenzō did not as yet have any reason to believe that Tsunade would share the values of her predecessor.

“I see. And what do you consider to be your strengths, if I may ask?”

“Stealth. Reconnaissance. Support. In short, defence rather than attack.”

“I see. You believe that a good captain should be the attacking type.”

“I do.”

“You know, I happen to disagree,” Tsunade said. For the first time since meeting her Tenzō saw a hint of a smile, a sly expression that was much more mischievous than her ordinarily stern demeanour suggested she was given to being. “I’ve studied your records, Tenzō. It’s my belief that you would make an excellent captain. I also believe that you are long overdue for the promotion.”

“Forgive me, Hokage-sama,” he blurted out. “If I may speak plainly, I would prefer to remain in my current role.”

The Godaime regarded him steadily. “And is that your decision to make?”

“Forgive me,” he repeated, bowing furiously. “I meant no disrespect. I–”

“Hn.” Tsunade cut him off with a dismissive hand wave. “I won’t force you. Fortunately for you I have plenty of captains right now.” Again she fixed him with those steely eyes. “But if, in the future, there should be a vacancy, your name will be at the top of the list. Do you understand?”

“Hokage-sama,” he said with a deep bow.

“Dismissed.”

As he turned towards the door she'd added, quietly, “I won’t watch you squander your potential.”

Rapping on the office door three years later, he hoped he hadn’t been summoned for a repeat of that particular conversation. He'd since learned that the Godaime was just as fair and reasonable as her predecessor (and, by all accounts, her grandfather) had been, but her temper was formidable.

He entered the room to find Tsunade seated behind her desk scowling down at a particularly impressive pile of paperwork. He cleared his throat politely.

“You asked for me, Hokage-sama?”

“Ah!” Tsunade exclaimed. “Thank you for coming. I have a mission for you.”

He blinked behind his mask. “For me, Tsunade-sama?”

“Yes. As you may have heard, Hatake Kakashi is currently in the hospital recovering from chakra exhaustion.”

He had heard; he’d run into Maito Gai who had gleefully informed him of their “youthful journey home from Sunagakure”. He was sorry to have missed the sight of Kakashi being toted through the desert like a backpack. He fought not to snicker at the image as he nodded in response.

“In the meantime,” Tsunade continued, “a time-sensitive mission has arisen and it is vital that Sakura and Naruto undertake it. This mission is of the utmost importance. I would like you to act as captain in place of Kakashi.”

“To replace senpai?” Perhaps another conversation about his wasted talents was closer than he'd hoped. “That is indeed an honour.”

“This is not an ANBU mission, so you won’t be in uniform,” the Godaime continued. The unspoken _drop the mask now_ was clear in her eyes, so Tenzō did. “You’ll also need a codename. For this mission, you will be known as Yamato.”

 _Oh great_ , he thought as he nodded his assent, _another new name_.

When he left the meeting shortly afterwards his thoughts were in a whirl. Of all the things that the Hokage could have wanted to discuss, he wouldn’t have dreamed up this assignment if he’d been three days without sleep and hit with a particularly vicious genjutsu. After his own start in Root, being assigned to watch over one of Danzō’s operatives seemed like a sick joke. It was possible that Tsunade had no idea about his past, he realised. Danzō kept his books tightly closed and Hiruzen hadn’t exactly had time to hand anything over before he’d been killed. Most likely it was just an unpleasant coincidence.

He was also worried about the other aspects of the assignment. He’d never supervised a chūnin team before. He’d never led a team at all. And for such an important mission, to replace Kakashi of all people. He smiled wryly, cursing his own excellent mission record for the Godaime’s high opinion of him. If only he were more lazy or sloppy or hot-tempered.

There was really no other option, he realised with a sinking feeling. He was going to have to ask some jōnin-sensei for advice.

He went home and changed out of his ANBU uniform before heading back out in search of Gai. Walking through the village in the green vest of the standard jōnin uniform was strange; when he wasn’t in his ANBU gear he normally wore civilian clothes for comfort and, he supposed, some modicum of secrecy. The identities of ANBU members were supposed to be classified and although it wasn’t stated anywhere that they should disguise themselves when out of uniform, he’d always felt that walking around as an identifiable jōnin when his face wasn’t known to anyone outside of ANBU would have made his classification glaringly obvious. It wasn’t that he was pretending to be a civilian, exactly, he was just good at blending in and it felt easier that way.

Walking into a café in a flak vest and happuri made such a mundane act feel more intimidating than it had any right to be and he felt as conspicuous as if he were wearing a flashing neon sign. Luckily, Maito Gai was easy to pick out in the small space–his voice, in fact, had been audible from across the street. Sitting at a table with Sarutobi Asuma and Yuhi Kurenai, his eyes flashed when he saw Tenzō walk in and he leapt to his feet to greet him.

“Tenzō-san! Please join us!”

“Thank you, Gai,” Tenzō said, sitting down awkwardly on the bench beside him and nodding at Asuma and Kurenai who regarded him with friendly yet curious smiles.

Socialising had never come that easily to him. His earliest memories were of being alone in a tube full of chemicals, and after that, Root. He’d been moved into ANBU when he was thirteen years old with no experience of family or friendship, so his fellow soldiers had become his family. Even by shinobi standards, Tenzō knew that his early life had been abnormal. Things were much more settled now, but he couldn’t say that he had many friends in Konoha. He had teammates with whom he would occasionally go drinking between missions, he had nodding acquaintances with former teammates (those who had survived, which was precious few), and that was really all. He didn’t mind it; his primary objective was his work and in his downtime he was content with the company of books and an array of hobbies from gardening to carpentry. Loneliness wasn’t a concept that existed in his world. He was a soldier: friendship was a luxury at best and a liability at worst.

This mentality meant, however, that when he had to socialise he often felt stilted and unnatural; what ability he had to forge bonds in times of chaos, blood and warfare didn’t easily translate to making casual conversation over coffee. It also meant that there were precious few people whom Tenzō could say really knew him. Maito Gai was chief among them, having seemingly made it his personal mission to be close friends with every single shinobi in Konoha. For him this wasn’t a difficult thing to do; Gai was well loved for the affection that he showed to everyone he met without reservation or exception. Tenzō hadn’t exactly intended to become friends with Gai but after running into him one too many times, continuing to refuse his invitations for drinks or sparring sessions felt disrespectful. He may not have been excessively social in nature, but he couldn’t stand to be rude. Once the friendship had been established, though, he’d been grateful for it. It was nice to know that there was at least one person who would support him if he ever did need to be supported. Gai’s loyalty and dependability were hallmarks of his character and although, due to conflicting schedules and Tenzō’s natural reticence, they didn’t often spend time together, he always made for pleasant company.

Gai fixed him with a radiant smile. “It’s truly a pleasure to have your company on such a fine day! Tell me, how have you been, my friend? Are you keeping well?”

“Very well, thank you, Gai,” Tenzō said, starting to relax a little in Gai’s warm presence. “I’ve just received a new mission assignment from the Hokage.”

“Ah! Excellent news!”

Asuma and Kurenai shared a brief look before Kurenai addressed him. “Forgive me, Tenzō, but we thought that all of your missions were top secret.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Usually, yes, but this isn’t one of my usual assignments. And please call me Yamato, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Oh?” Gai leaned towards him, clearly interested.

“This mission is a little outside my area of expertise and I’d appreciate some advice. From all three of you, actually,” he added, glancing at Asuma and Kurenai.

“It would be my pleasure, of course,” Gai said; his eyes were pleasantly confused as he regarded Tenzō and stroked his lower lip with his thumb. “I must say, though, I find it difficult to imagine a mission that you could not complete with aplomb.”

“So the Hokage has got you working in the village for a change?” Asuma asked. Tenzō nodded.

“And he needs our advice,” Kurenai said, giving Asuma a sly look.

“Kakashi is still in the hospital, isn’t he?”

“And Naruto is back in Konoha.”

“Could it be,” Asuma said, gesturing with his cigarette and grinning behind the haze of smoke, “that the Hokage has asked you to take over as jōnin-sensei for Team Kakashi?”

“That’s it exactly,” he said and Gai shot to his feet.

“Ah, Yamato! You will find no greater joy than in nurturing the next generation of shinobi! Through their experience the fire of your own youth will shine that much brighter!”

“Maybe,” he said, “but I don’t have much experience teaching. In fact, I don’t have any.”

Gai looked at him with shining eyes. “And your first thought was to come to me for help? I am honoured, my friend, truly honoured!”

“We’d love to help,” Kurenai said, reaching across the table to touch his arm.

“Absolutely,” said Asuma.

“We must celebrate!” Gai exclaimed, waving at the counter. “More dango and more tea! Wonderful news indeed, my friends! What a glorious day this is!”

Glorious though it may have been, the day was also long and exhausting. He should have remembered that Maito Gai hadn’t yet encountered a problem he didn’t believe could be solved with physical exertion.

Sweat ran into his eyes as, upside down, he watched Asuma and Kurenai struggling to hold in their laughter. “Gai, how is this going to help me to be a good sensei?”

“Discipline!” Gai was also standing on his head, his arms folded triumphantly. “Hard work and self-control are always the keys to success!”

“I’m sure they teach those things in ANBU, Gai,” Kurenai said.

Gai’s eyes widened and he flipped onto his feet. “You’re right! We are wasting precious time! Can you forgive me, my friend?"

“It’s no problem,” Tenzō said, returning rather less gracefully to his feet.

As they left the training ground, Asuma fell into step beside him “There’s more to this assignment than meets the eye, isn’t there?”

“I suspect that there is. I shouldn’t say any more.”

“Understood.” Asuma flashed him a smile, veiled as always behind the smoke from his cigarette. “Well, consider Team Asuma at your disposal. I’ll send word to the Hokage.”

“Thank you,” he said. He knew Asuma, of course, as the son of the Sandaime and an excellent shinobi in his own right, but they’d never spoken beyond small talk. His offer of support was unexpected and a little affecting.

“Join us again for lunch tomorrow,” Kurenai said. “We can discuss your new team in more detail. My students have all worked with Naruto before and they’d be happy to share their knowledge.”

“That would be great. From what I’ve heard, he can be a handful.”

“An understatement,” Asuma laughed.

Gai looked worried. “He’s a strong-minded boy indeed. Perhaps it would be better if I–”

“Gai, Captain Yamato has been chosen to lead the team,” Kurenai interrupted gently, an amused smile playing at her lips. “And don’t you have your own team to think about?”

“Yeah, don’t go running to the Hokage demanding that she listen to your crazy ideas,” Asuma said. “Not again.”

Gai slumped, defeated. “Ah, you’re both right. And of course Ten- I mean, Yamato is more than up to the challenge!”

“It’ll only be for one mission, in any case,” Tenzō said.

✽✦✽✦✽

  
  


It had only been two days since Kakashi had returned from Suna. Lying flat on his back on the small hospital cot, he looked exhausted. His eye tracked Tenzō lazily through the room as he entered.

“Good evening, senpai.”

“Hey.” Kakashi’s voice was quiet and he was obviously trying to expend as little energy as possible.

Tenzō leant against the windowsill and smiled down at him. “You still haven’t learned when to stop, have you?”

“Damn Sharingan,” Kakashi murmured, his eye slipping shut.

“I wish you wouldn’t use it.”

“Had to.”

He waved a hand. “I know, I know.”

Since Kakashi had left ANBU the two of them had kept in tenuous contact. In practice this mainly amounted to visiting each other in the hospital. Tenzō’s mission schedule kept him away from Konoha at odd times and Kakashi had been dragged back into society by Gai as soon as he’d hung up the mask, so neither of them could find much time for the other. As close as they’d once been, the distance between them now was almost a relief to Tenzō. As his kōhai, he’d always been content to live in Kakashi’s shadow, something that he hadn’t fully realised until he couldn’t do it anymore.

"I met with the Hokage today," he told Kakashi, whose eye cracked open a sliver. "It looks like I'm going to be taking care of your team until you've recovered."

"Hn." Kakashi rolled his head to the side to look at him more easily; the movement caused loose strands of his silver hair to fall over his face and he made a small noise of frustration. Tenzō leaned forward and smoothed the hair back and Kakashi’s eye crinkled with his grateful smile.

The first time he had ever seen Kakashi immobilised by chakra exhaustion had been a disconcerting experience. For the first time since they'd met it had felt like he was a fragile human being like everybody else when to Tenzō, still just a teenager, he'd always seemed like something greater. Over the years that had followed he’d become more used to seeing Kakashi injured and it was no longer such a shock. In fact, there was a small and secret part of him that enjoyed it, not because he liked the prospect of his former captain being seriously hurt (he didn't) but because it was the only time he felt more powerful than Kakashi. He took some amount of pleasure in fluffing his pillows and making sure that he was drinking plenty of water, bringing him news of important happenings in the village and simply being there with him while he recuperated.

He’d never had anyone who depended on him and sometimes he wished that he did. Sometimes he thought of Yukimi, or dreamed of her, remembering how good it had felt to protect somebody. He’d contemplated getting a pet but ultimately his mission schedule was too unpredictable and it would have been cruel to leave an animal alone so often. The closest that he could ever get to recapturing that feeling was in hospital rooms, tending to Kakashi.

“I have a new codename now; it’s Yamato. I like it. Maybe I should keep it.”

“Tenzō,” Kakashi said as if in protest and he smiled.

“Or maybe not.”

Kakashi coughed weakly and he frowned. “Should I get a nurse?”

Kakashi shook his head minutely and closed his eye again. Someone had pulled the sheets up to his nose in place of a mask so all that was visible of him was the top half of his head. His hair was tangled and stuck with sweat wherever the strands lay against his skin and the scar across his left eye stood out in contrast to his pallid face. Tenzō studied him silently. He couldn’t help but enjoy the rare times when Kakashi couldn’t knock him back with flippant comments or hide behind his _Icha Icha_ books. It was like catching a glimpse of the real man who lurked behind the mask because as much of a friend as Kakashi was to him, he’d always been distant as well. It was another part of what made him seem unreachable, almost more myth than man. Getting to see him unguarded and vulnerable was a surreptitious pleasure that he didn’t share with anybody.

They’d never spoken of it, but he sensed that Kakashi appreciated his visits. At least, he’d never told him to stop. Kakashi had never been much of a people person either as far as he could tell. Although neither of them would ever dream of admitting it out loud, he suspected that Kakashi enjoyed being taken care of as much as he enjoyed providing that care.

“They’ve replaced Sasuke as well, you know.”

“Hm?” In this state any shinobi could have killed the fabled copy ninja as easily as breathing, but Kakashi trusted him enough to keep his eyes closed.

“The Hokage isn’t happy about it. He’s Danzō’s pick, from Root. I don’t know why he’s allowed to carry on running that division. It’s completely unnecessary and in my opinion it only undermines the Hokage and Konoha. I only hope we can trust this boy.”

He could tell that Kakashi was smiling behind the bedsheet. “He could be...like you.”

He laughed. “If he is then God help us all, senpai.”

Kakashi opened his eye to look at him. “Good luck. Although you don’t...need it.” He gasped from the effort of speaking and Tenzō reached out to feel his forehead.

“I shouldn’t have stayed this long, I’m sorry. I’ll get you some water.”

He pressed the call bell and a minute later a nurse appeared; he quickly dispatched her and she returned with a full glass of water complete with a straw as well as a damp washcloth which she used to wipe Kakashi’s face. Tenzō turned towards the window as she pulled the sheet down. He’d known Kakashi for more than a decade but had never seen him without a mask and it wasn’t his place to sneak a peek now when he was powerless to stop him. Their relationship may have had more than its fair share of complications through the years but it had been founded on the depth of the trust between them and he didn’t plan on ever breaking it.

The nurse gave him a reproachful look as she left the room and he grimaced. “I’ve overstayed my welcome. I’ll come by again before we leave for Tenchi Bridge, okay?”

As he left the room, a croaked “Bye, Yamato,” followed behind.

The next time he visited the hospital Kakashi was much closer to being fully recovered. Sitting up in bed, he waved as Tenzō entered the room.

“What, no flowers?”

“I couldn’t remember if you like red roses or pink,” Tenzō teased back, smiling.

“Mm, black like my soul.”

“There are no black roses.”

“You just didn’t look hard enough.”

“You weren’t worth it,” he said, taking a seat beside the bed.

“Is that any way to talk to an invalid?”

“I did bring candy.” He slid a tissue paper package from his breast pocket and deposited it on Kakashi’s lap. Kakashi looked down at it.

“Ah, Yamato,” he said gloomily. “I don’t like sweet things.”

“I know. It’s for the nurses. Sort of a thank you for putting up with you.”

“So insolent,” Kakashi said, his eye sparkling. “I remember when you were afraid to say two words to me.”

“Me? No, never. You must be thinking of somebody else.”

“Ah yes, a boy named Tenzō, I believe.”

He grinned. “You look well, senpai. They must be letting you out soon.”

“Not soon enough,” Kakashi sighed. “You’re leaving tomorrow?”

“First thing.”

“And what about this Root boy?”

“I still haven’t met him yet.”

“Ah.”

Kakashi picked up a well-worn _Icha Icha_ book from his bedside table and opened it seemingly to a random page. Now that he was able to sit up he was wearing his usual black mask over his mouth and nose but both eyes were still uncovered. Tenzō wondered how he could stand to always read with only one eye; he’d tried it once and gotten a headache. Kakashi was wearing a black undershirt and his arms and hands were bare; the red ANBU tattoo stood out on his left shoulder. His hair looked freshly washed, lying in soft spikes over his forehead.

“Will you be okay, Yamato?”

Kakashi’s eyes never left his book but his words were carefully measured; Tenzō recognised the weight of sincerity and concern that lined the lowest tones of his voice.

“I’ll be fine.”

“I have a letter for Naruto, if you’d be so kind.” Kakashi plucked a slip of paper from the back pages of his book.

“Of course, senpai.”

“Well, don’t waste your day at the sick bed of an old man.” His eye closed in a smile and Tenzō laughed.

“Okay, I can take a hint.”

“Good luck, Yamato.”

He read the letter as he walked towards the centre of town to meet with Kurenai and her team.

_Naruto. Please behave for Captain Yamato. If you don’t, I’ll feed you to the dogs. -Kakashi._

He laughed as he crumpled it up and tossed it in the trash.

  
  


✽✦✽✦✽

  
  


Tenzō joined ANBU in April. One day during his first July, Kakashi pulled him aside.

“Make sure you’re ready early tomorrow. We’re going on a trip.”

“A trip, senpai?” He stared up at him. “You mean a mission?”

Being relatively new and very young, he hadn’t yet been assigned to a mission that had taken him more than a couple of hours beyond Konoha’s borders. Kakashi, though, was frequently away for long stretches of time. Although Tenzō was assigned to Team Ro under Kakashi’s command, so far they’d only been on one mission together, an easy escort job that under normal circumstances Kakashi wouldn’t have been wasted on. The only reason it hadn’t been assigned as a run of the mill C-rank had been because they were guarding the daughter of a daimyo. Kakashi had treated the mission like a vacation, dozing in trees when he was supposed to be on watch and teasing Tenzō in every way that he could think of; tickling him, stealing his lunch and making him fight him to get it back, even trying to cut off pieces of his long hair. In spite of all of that it had been enjoyable. He had liked being alone with Kakashi. In the barracks his captain was normally disinterested and aloof, spending most of his time alone, but when it had been only the two of them, he’d been much more amiable. Maybe it was the difference in age and status, maybe it was just the fact that Tenzō hadn’t known him before ANBU–he didn’t have enough experience around people to understand why Kakashi might be different when they were alone together but he recognised that he _was_ different and that it was a good change.

He wouldn’t mind going on another mission with Kakashi if it was like the last one, he thought, but Kakashi had said ‘a trip’ which surely meant something much further from the village that might take days or even weeks. Those were the missions that Kakashi returned from with new scars and mud ground into his uniform and blood under his fingernails, the missions that left him frowning and restless for days afterwards. Tenzō was no stranger to killing but his work in Root had been mostly assassinations done quickly and cleanly. From what he could tell, there was nothing clean about how Kakashi worked.

Kakashi dropped a hand heavily onto his head and chuckled when he squawked indignantly. “Not a mission. Just be ready to leave after breakfast, okay? Oh, and don’t bother bringing your mask.”

They walked to a neighbouring village about ten miles away. Kakashi sauntered with his hands in his pockets while Tenzō trotted behind, weighed down by the pack Kakashi had dumped on him. Kakashi was at ease, trailing his hand through long grass and serenely taking in the sights of nature. Tenzō pretended to be as calm but he tripped over his sandals and puffed his way over the uneven trail until Kakashi took pity on him and shouldered the pack himself, after which he fidgeted with the straps of his vest, burning with unasked questions.

Kakashi took them to a small inn where they ate a light lunch, then he paid for a room at the front desk and led Tenzō upstairs. In the room he opened his pack and pushed a bundle of cloth into Tenzō’s arms. “Here. Get changed.”

Tenzō blinked and shook out the cloth. It was a yukata, brown with a subtle chequered pattern. He stared up at Kakashi who rolled his eyes.

“Don’t look so scared. It’s just a yukata. It won’t bite you.”

“Senpai...” The cotton was soft in his hands. “What are we doing here?”

Kakashi’s right eye closed in a smile. “I told you. We’re taking a trip.”

They got changed facing opposite walls. Tenzō’s yukata was a little too big for him and he ran the risk of tripping over its edges with every step. Kakashi winced apologetically when he noticed.

“Sorry. Here, stand on this chair.” He did so and Kakashi took a needle and thread from his emergency first aid kit and sewed the hem of the yukata a few inches higher. That done, he stood back and admired his handiwork. “Perfect! Let’s go.”

They left the inn and made for the centre of the village. Kakashi also wore a yukata in plain black with a grey sash and he had replaced his hitai-ate with an eye patch; without the support his hair lay tousled over his forehead. Strings of colourful paper were strung over doorways and between buildings and the further into the village they went the more decorations Tenzō saw, lanterns, bells and dolls adding to the paper garlands.

“Do you know what today is, Tenzō?”

He shook his head. “No, senpai.”

“Today is Tanabata.”

“What’s that?”

“You don’t know?” Kakashi asked and he shook his head again. “Ah. Well, I can’t explain it to you very well. Let’s find somebody who can.”

They passed by market stalls and food carts. Children chased each other laughing through the streets and couples in yukata walked arm in arm. Kakashi led him to a stall laid out with slips of paper, pots of ink and brushes. A row of people were already carefully writing on the paper slips but the elderly woman behind the stall nonetheless beamed at them as they approached.

“Greetings and welcome!”

“Good evening,” Kakashi said with a brief bow. “I was hoping that you could explain to my young friend here the meaning of Tanabata. It’s his first time.”

The woman cleared her throat, gesturing to the donation basket, and Kakashi nudged Tenzō. “You brought your wallet, right?”

“No!” he spluttered. “You didn’t tell me to!”

Kakashi sighed. “Fine, fine. But next time please take some initiative.”

After Kakashi made a donation the woman gladly launched into an explanation of the two lovers Orihime and Hikoboshi and their meeting in the stars every year, but Tenzō didn’t take much of it in. He was too distracted by the warm feeling in his chest that had started when Kakashi had referred to him as his friend and strengthened with his promise of ‘next time’.

“So?”

He blinked to attention; Kakashi was looking at him expectantly. “It’s your turn. Write a wish.”

“Oh.” He took the small brush Kakashi handed him and stepped up to the counter. “What should I wish for?”

Kakashi shrugged. “What do you want?”

He looked at Kakashi in his yukata and he looked around him at the happy crowd waiting to write their own wishes and he knew exactly what he wanted in that moment. What he wrote was as open-hearted and simple as a child’s first wish could ever be:

_I wish we could come here every year._

They got food from almost every food cart once Kakashi realised that Tenzō had never tried any of the snacks being sold and they walked through the streets until night fell and the stars came out. There were fireworks then and Kakashi hoisted him up onto his shoulders so that he could see them over the crowd. By the time they went back to the inn Tenzō was half-asleep but completely content. Kakashi slung an arm around his shoulders.

“You’re paying next year, okay? And hire your own yukata.”

He let himself be pulled in closer until his shoulder bumped against Kakashi’s side. “Okay.”

The tradition lasted all the way up until Kakashi left ANBU; every year they went together to the same village for the festival, they wore yukata and ate fried food until they felt sick and stayed over in the same inn.

It was on these trips that Tenzō first learned about Obito and Rin and Minato-sensei, at first just the bare details of their lives and deaths, but eventually Kakashi shared a little of the grief that he still carried with him.

“At the beginning, everyone knew but nobody asked and I couldn’t tell them,” he said. “It was just me and the nightmares.” He smiled and jostled Tenzō where they sat together on a low stone wall, watching the fireworks from a distance. “I hope you don’t have nightmares, Tenzō. I hope trying to kill me was the worst thing Danzō ever made you do.”

“I don’t have bad dreams when I’m with you,” Tenzō said, open and honest to a fault as always, and Kakashi ducked his head.

“Stop, you’ll make me blush.”

Another year Tenzō picked out Kakashi’s yukata for him.

Kakashi looked mildly appalled at his choice. “Sky blue? I can’t wear this.”

“I thought it would suit you,” Tenzō mumbled, blushing.

Kakashi turned his eyes heavenward. “Well, it’s too late to hire another one now.”

It really did suit him, complementing his silver hair perfectly. He got many admiring looks as they walked through the village and he ruffled Tenzō’s hair appreciatively.

“Hm, you seem to have an eye for fashion. But next year it’s my turn, yes?”

That was how Tenzō was forced to spend Tanabata in a green and purple floral yukata that he was sure was meant for a girl, but Kakashi folded his arms when he begged to be able to go in his mission blacks instead.

“Come, Tenzō. Is that any way to celebrate this joyous day?”

Later he asked Kakashi, “Why do you like this festival so much, anyway? There are plenty of others but it’s always this one we go to.”

Lounging on the grass with his legs crossed at the knee and his foot swinging idly, Kakashi looked up at the setting sun.

“I suppose I always have a lot of things to wish for. And it’s nice to look at the stars sometimes, isn’t it?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter at the end. Btw this fic is complete, I'm just cleaning it up one final time so I'll post completed chapters as they're done. Expect the whole thing to be posted by the end of the week.

The first part should have been easy. He was well used to playing a role and his new codename and uniform were just part of the disguise. For this mission, he was Captain Yamato.

Meeting Sai was difficult and he couldn’t completely suppress the dreadful wonder he felt when he first observed the depths of the boy’s emptiness, a gaping void behind the paper-thin veneer of a codename and a series of calculated smiles. He had to consciously remind himself that Yamato had never been in Root; that had been Kinoe who was many years dead and no more than the memory of a bad dream to him now.

Naruto was a force of nature that nothing could have prepared him for. He’d never had much cause to interact with the boy in the past and where there had been missions that could have brought them close he’d shied away from them. What he knew of Naruto’s past was a blood-painted tangle; the events that marked his life to date loomed large in Konoha’s history and the whole seemed too significant for Tenzō to approach. He'd never felt like he’d had the right to concern himself with Naruto when so many people stronger and wiser took precedence. He’d heard Kakashi talk about the boy even before he’d become his sensei and Kakashi’s feelings were knotted and fierce, painful remembrances and assumed responsibilities warring behind his affected indifference. Naruto, though, refused to be defined by his past, by his losses or suffering, or by how other people saw him. He was loud and exuberant and relentlessly optimistic; the combination would have been challenging for any captain, let alone one with so little experience as Tenzō.

Sakura, at least, felt uncomplicated. Trained by the Godaime herself, her presence was serious but determined. She planted her feet behind the two boys with an intent that was deeply reassuring and he sensed that she would be his anchor within the team, keeping his focus on the mission.

Everything after the introductions was progressively less and less simple. The petty squabbles between Naruto and Sai punctuated by Sakura’s impatient interventions grated on Tenzō’s nerves and reminded him how unqualified he was to be leading a team of teenagers. His first memories of being around children his own age were in Root where every boy was as hollowed out as he was. The entirety of his teenage years he'd passed in ANBU. He’d been a test subject and then a spy and a weapon; he couldn't relate to these three at all.

He really should have expected that the mission would be a disaster but seeing the raw power of the kyūbi burning out of Naruto was horrific beyond anything he could have anticipated. He’d been just nine years old when the bijū had razed Konoha to the ground and Danzō had kept him well away from the chaos but he’d heard the stories and he’d seen the aftermath. He knew enough that, on seeing just a glimpse of the monster, his terror threatened to overwhelm his training.

Tenzō’s training, though, ran incredibly deep; his body took the lead ahead of his mind and he sealed the thing as soon as he could get close enough to do so without being killed, though it wasn’t before Sakura got hurt. Her actions had been incredibly foolish and yet he thought that he understood; she couldn’t stop seeing the Naruto that she knew even when the monster inside him had taken over.

Sakura’s generation, unlike Tenzō’s, had been born in peace time and known friendship long before they’d learned about war. Having seen some of them in action made him afraid. Emotions were a liability in the field and Kakashi’s team seemed intent on proving that over and over.

(He didn’t let himself focus on Orochimaru any more than he absolutely had to for the sake of the mission. He couldn’t.)

Naruto’s positive attitude must have rubbed off on him, though, because when faced with the choice of whether or not to trust Sai after his first double-cross, he took the optimist’s path. He told himself that Sai was part of his team and he had no orders to act against him but he didn’t really believe his own justification; he filed his decision away as something to examine later on although he knew that was just a diversion. He wouldn’t ever address it willingly. He faced up to his emotions only if they threatened to become a weakness and, considering that he was returning to Konoha with his full complement of teammates alive and relatively unscathed, he could tell himself that it hadn’t gone so far as all that yet.

The mission as a whole had been an unpleasant experience, he reflected on the journey back to Konoha. He wasn’t used to failure. Technically they hadn’t failed since retrieving Sasuke had never officially been their mission, but unofficially it was always Naruto’s mission. It lurked at the centre of everything he did and infected those around him like a virus.

About a mile from the village gates, Sakura fell into step beside him.

“Captain Yamato?”

“Yes, Sakura?”

“Why haven’t I seen you before?”

“Ah.” He adjusted his happuri nervously. “It’s a big village, I suppose.”

“But you can bind the kyūbi.” Her green eyes were bright with intelligence and narrowed in distrust. “Why didn’t the Sandaime make you Naruto’s sensei right from the start?”

“You know about mission ranks, don’t you?”

She shrugged. “Sure.”

“Including S-rank?”

“Yes.”

“Then you know that Konoha security is layered. Information is given on a need-to-know basis.”

Sakura frowned as she processed this, searching for his meaning. When she understood she looked at him with wide, sad eyes, all slyness and calculation gone to leave her looking every bit the innocent youth that she was.

“You mean they keep whole people secret, too?”

“I can’t tell you that,” he said.

Sakura nodded with a sigh and for a few minutes they trudged towards the village in silence. Even Naruto seemed pensive and disinclined to chatter. Tenzō was comfortable without conversation, always had been. Around him the forest was alive with movement and sound; the sunlight shifted with the swaying trees while birds and insects made the air hum and sing. He often went to the forest to ground himself after missions; the tranquil surroundings reminded him that he was safe as the last of the adrenaline burned out of him. He let himself relax into it now, looking forward to the moment that he would hand the team back over to Kakashi and resume his normal life.

“If you had been our sensei, I wonder–”

He turned to Sakura who was looking down at her feet as they walked, her face mostly hidden by a pink sweep of hair.

“Wonder what, Sakura?”

“Never mind,” she said in a small voice.

Tenzō thought that he knew exactly what she had wanted to say and hoped that she’d realised the error in her thinking; Sasuke had made a choice and nobody could have changed his mind, certainly not him. He redirected, interpreting the aborted sentence in a lighter way.

“You don’t like Kakashi-sensei?”

Sakura pulled a face. “He’s okay. I mean, he’s incredible as a shinobi. He’s just always reading those stupid books. He doesn’t talk to us.”

He could believe that; Kakashi’s reticence was legendary in ANBU circles. He’d been a fine captain, though, and it puzzled Tenzō to learn that his current students didn’t respect his leadership as he had done, particularly if their chief complaint was his lack of chatter. He had always seen this as a strength rather than a weakness. What good did bonding with one’s subordinates ever do?

As they reached Konoha’s gates and were waved in by the chūnin manning the desk, Sakura turned to him with a smile. “I enjoyed working with you, Captain Yamato.”

A little startled, he gave a clumsy bow. “And I with you, Sakura.”

“Oi, Yamato!” Naruto called from ahead of them. “Kakashi-sensei always treats us to ramen after a mission!”

Tenzō raised an eyebrow at Sakura. “Is that true?”

He knew it couldn’t be. He’d worked in Kakashi’s team for six years and had never once managed to squeeze a lunch out of him.

“It’s true,” Sakura said, a gleam of mischief in her eyes.

He dropped his head. “Ah, a betrayal. I won’t forget this, Sakura.”

She laughed as she ran to catch up with Naruto and in spite of his worries and the lingering mission weariness he found himself smiling after her.

Kakashi was waiting on the roof of Tenzō’s apartment when he finally got home; he dropped down to the balcony beside him as he fished for his keys.

“Yo.”

“They should have kept you in the hospital for longer,” Tenzō said.

Kakashi jabbed an elbow at his stomach. “Rude. How was the mission?”

He unlocked the door and Kakashi followed him inside. “It was…”

“That bad?”

“We found Sasuke,” he said and Kakashi paused. “He still refuses to come back to Konoha.”

“Ah.”

He went into his bedroom to change out of his uniform; when he returned Kakashi was still standing in the doorway, his shoulder against the frame. He caught Tenzō’s eye.

“How are they?”

“Surprisingly okay,” he said. “They took it hard at first but, well, they have each other.”

“And the other boy, the one from Root?”

“He was working two separate missions that we didn’t know about. That was fun.”

Kakashi shook his head. “Danzō.”

“Danzō,” he agreed. “But I don’t think Sai–the Root boy–is all that loyal. At least, he could be persuaded.”

“Naruto won him over, didn’t he?” Kakashi asked fondly.

Tenzō smiled. “He is a charmer.”

“Takes after his sensei,” Kakashi said, preening.

He rolled his eyes, moving towards the kitchen. “Do you want tea? A beer?”

“I’m not staying. I just wanted to check in.”

“Oh.”

He made himself a cup of tea and settled at the low living room table, feeling a little disappointed in spite of himself. He’d kept something of a careful distance from Kakashi since he’d left ANBU, hospital visits aside, but sometimes he did miss the man’s company although at times it barely counted as company–Kakashi could go for hours without speaking and often did. His companionable silence on missions, though, had been enjoyable. Reassuring, in fact. Almost like a security blanket, now that he thought about it.

“I want you to help me with Naruto’s training,” Kakashi said.

He blinked. “What?”

“Jiraiya is in Mist so it’ll have to be me. I’d feel a lot better about it knowing you’re around in case he gets out of control again.”

“Ah.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Senpai, I have a mission schedule.”

“Don’t worry about that. I’ll talk to the Hokage, pull a few strings.”

He blew on his tea and took a tentative sip. “Did Gai put you up to this?”

“Gai?” Kakashi frowned. “What about him?”

“He seems to have a way of luring shinobi out of ANBU, that’s all.”

Kakashi’s eye curved into a smile. “Not this time, I’m afraid. It won’t be permanent. Naruto will be able to control the kyūbi’s chakra eventually.”

Tenzō looked at him knowingly. “Are you sure this wasn’t Tsunade-sama’s idea and you’re just taking credit for it?”

“I would never do such a cheap thing,” Kakashi said, his eye twinkling.

“So if I check my mission schedule, it won’t contain a direct summons from the Hokage?”

Kakashi shrugged. “I couldn’t say. Life is full of strange coincidences, after all. I’d better go but I’ll see you soon, Tenzō.”

“Yamato,” he called after him. Kakashi lifted his hand in a lazy wave as he leapt over the balcony without bothering to close the front door behind him.

  
  


✽✦✽✦✽

  
  


“Is it true?”

“Is what true?” Tenzō said as he dodged a shuriken on a direct path to his throat. Manami followed the projectile up with several more and he raced through the Mokuton seals. The blades hit his wooden shield with dull thunks.

“There’s a rumour going around that you’re leaving ANBU.”

He crouched and used an Earth jutsu to collapse the ground beneath Manami’s feet; she anticipated and somersaulted to safer ground just in time. “Because of one mission away?”

Manami used a Wind technique to slice through his shields and followed up with a volley of kunai. “Your  _ first  _ mission away.”

“It was bound to happen sooner or later,” he said. He ran at Manami and they fought in close combat for a few minutes before breaking apart to catch their breath. Manami held up her left hand to signal that their sparring match had ended and the two of them started to stretch.

“You haven’t answered my question.”

Tenzō leaned forward to touch his toes. “The answer is: I don’t know yet.”

“You don’t?”

“I’ve been asked to work with Kakashi-senpai’s team but I don’t know how long for.”

“Well, find out,” Manami said, on her stomach with her back arched. “I don’t want another newbie on my team.”

“I’ll miss you, too,” he said dryly and Manami flashed him a grin.

He did drop by the Hokage’s office later that day. He wasn’t normally the type to bother his superiors but it felt important. He didn’t like uncertainty. If he was being pulled out of ANBU long-term he wanted to know for sure so that he could get used to the idea sooner rather than later.

Luckily the pile of paperwork on Tsunade’s desk was relatively small and she seemed in good spirits when he knocked.

“How can I help you, Yamato?”

“Hatake Kakashi has requested my help with Naruto’s training,” he said as he bowed. “I would like to know if that request came from your office or not.”

“Hn. I see Hatake intends to remain an eternal thorn in my side.”

Tenzō tried, without much success, not to smile. “I take it that’s a no?”

Tsunade sighed and slumped on one elbow. “It’s a yes, but it would have been nice if he’d let me give the order myself.”

“I see.” He shifted his weight and Tsunade regarded him shrewdly.

“And what else?”

“I’d like to know whether this is long-term. Whether I’ll return to ANBU, and when.”

“Ah.” Tsunade studied him for a long time, her chin resting on her hand. “To be completely honest with you, I don’t know yet. It will depend on a lot of things. How quickly Naruto learns to control his chakra, how well you fit in with the team, how urgently you’re needed in ANBU.”

“I see,” he repeated.

Tsunade’s expression softened. “I’m sorry if that isn’t the answer you were hoping for.”

“I like working in ANBU,” he said. “In a lot of ways it’s...uncomplicated.”

“My life used to be uncomplicated, too. Unfortunately, duty called.” She gestured to her pile of paperwork and the ceremonial hat hanging from the rack beside her desk.

Tenzō bowed his head. “I understand. Thank you, Hokage-sama.”

“You did well on the mission,” Tsunade said. “You might not believe that, given what happened, but you did. Sakura likes you.”

“She was a pleasure to work with.” He smiled, remembering their lunch at Ichiraku and how Sakura had taken most of Naruto’s tonkatsu when he’d been too busy glaring at Sai to notice.

“The village elders believe that as a jinchūriki, Naruto should be confined to the village.” Tsunade watched him over her steepled fingers. “What do you think?”

“If they believe that, they’ve never met Naruto,” he replied. “No force on Earth could keep him in Konoha if he doesn’t want to stay.”

“So you understand why I’ve chosen you to work with him.”

“Ah.”

“It’s not only your jutsu, though. The boy needs as many good influences around him as he can get. I hear a lot of positive things about you from the new recruits you’ve mentored in ANBU. Things I’ve never heard about Hatake,” she added, pointedly. “I honestly don’t know why anyone thought he’d be a good jōnin-sensei.”

Tenzō winced. “Is he really that bad?”

“Not bad, just not  _ there _ . Not enough, at least.”

“I suppose in light of everything his team has already gone through, it makes sense to add a second captain,” he said, as much to himself as to the Hokage.

Tsunade nodded. “I’m glad you agree. I will try to make a firm decision about your future as soon as possible, but until then I hope you can settle into your new role.”

“You can depend on me, Hokage-sama.”

“I know,” she said with a smile. “But Yamato, if you need to, come and speak to me again.”

“Thank you,” he said, hoping very much that he wouldn’t have to. If things got so bad that he had to go to the Hokage for moral support then God help them all. He’d led the team once and gotten all of them out alive. He could do it again.

He felt more nervous on his way to meet Kakashi and Naruto for training than he had before the mission. Even though he wasn’t used to being the leader of a cell, missions were something he knew how to do; tactics and strategy were familiar and in battle his body moved on its own. He’d been on sure footing even when things had gone wrong because completing the objective was a tangible goal. Working with Kakashi to train Naruto, his only real job was damage control and they were all hoping that it wouldn’t be necessary. That would leave him with a lot of unstructured time that he wasn’t used to spending with other people.

He hovered at the edge of the training ground as Kakashi and Naruto spoke, joining them at Kakashi’s signal. Naruto seemed a little surprised to see him but was too eager to learn a new technique to care about much else, including how he was going to learn it. When Tenzō demonstrated the full extent of his Earth and Water abilities Naruto was openly impressed and he felt a small flicker of pride.

It took some effort and chakra to keep the bijū containing seal prepared but he didn’t need to use his full concentration. Once Naruto was busy training with his Kage Bunshin, Kakashi wandered over to lean against one of his wooden pillars. He pulled a dog-eared copy of  _ Icha Icha Tactics _ from his vest pocket and began to flip through it idly.

“How are you holding up, Tenzō?”

He hissed through his teeth. “It’s Yamato. Please.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Kakashi said, not sounding sorry at all. He closed his book and sat down with his back against the pillar. “How is life in ANBU these days?”

He pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand, feeling a headache coming on. “I can’t talk about it. You  _ know  _ that.”

“Oh? Do I?”

Of all of Kakashi’s mercurial personalities, the one that Tenzō had dubbed ‘Bakashi’ was by far his least favourite. For anyone with Kakashi’s intellect and abilities to play dumb was ridiculous in his eyes. He took a deep breath and tried not to get annoyed.

“I read your mission report,” Kakashi said, and he promptly gave up.

“Those are  _ classified _ , Kakashi.”

“Technically, it was my mission. It was my team, anyway. I thought I should know.”

“What did you think could have happened that Naruto didn’t already tell you?”

“He’s not good with details.” Lounging against the pillar, Kakashi rolled his head towards Tenzō, his eye closed in a smile. “You’re a very good writer. I enjoyed reading it.”

“Next time, please ask me first.”

“Next time?” His voice was light, teasing. “They didn’t scare you off, then?”

“It isn’t my choice to make. Hokage’s orders. It seems that I’m your co-captain now.” He showed his teeth in a wicked smile. “Her exact words were ‘I don’t know why anyone thought Hatake would make a good jōnin-sensei’.”

Kakashi clutched his chest dramatically. “You wound me with your words, Captain Yamato.”

“If it helps you to get my name right.”

A loud chorus of “Ossu!” interrupted them as Naruto and his Kage Bunshin jumped for joy, each brandishing a leaf with varying degrees of chakra cuts.

Kakashi pushed himself to his feet. “Okay, back to teaching. I’ll shout if I need you, so don’t expect to hear me shout.”

The three of them ate lunch together in the training ground. Kakashi had brought three bento boxes of steamed salmon, brown rice and vegetables.

Naruto wrinkled his nose. “Do I have to eat this?”

“What have I told you about eating your vegetables, Naruto?”

“Mm, I don’t really remember,” Naruto said, looking up at the clouds.

Kakashi clapped him on the back. “You need strength if you want to create a new jutsu. Now eat.”

“I get the most strength from ramen,” Naruto muttered but obediently began to eat.

The fish was good, fragrant with ginger and sesame. Tenzō raised his eyebrows at Kakashi. “You made this?”

Kakashi smiled. “It’s my favourite.”

“I didn’t know you could cook, senpai.”

“I learned,” Kakashi responded with a shrug. “Asuma has a fire pit in his garden, you know. We roasted a whole pig in there once. Another time, Gai challenged me to see who could bake the most cupcakes in one day. He won, but only because I have a gas oven and it’s lousy for baking. I’ve been thinking about replacing it, but that’s a lot of money to spend all at once.”

“Oh,” Tenzō said. He didn’t think he’d ever heard Kakashi say so much about his personal life before. He hadn’t known that Kakashi even  _ had  _ so much of a personal life. He certainly hadn’t when he’d been in ANBU.

“You should come next time we have a barbecue. I’ll let you know ahead of time so you can bring something. If you can’t cook, a bottle of sake would be fine. The top shelf stuff, though. I won’t drink anything less.”

He faltered. “Ah, we’ll see. I might be busy.”

“Doing what?” Kakashi retorted a little disdainfully, then held up his hands in apology. “I’m sorry. I’m sure you’re very busy with your...plants.”

“I have friends,” he said defensively.

Kakashi looked at him coolly. “I’m sure that you do.”

Kakashi collected their cutlery and empty boxes; Naruto shot to his feet as soon as the last mouthful had cleared his lips and Tenzō called after him. “Don’t rush! You’ll make yourself sick!”

“No I won’t!” came the reply and a second later dozens of Kage Bunshin popped into existence. Tenzō hurried back to his circle and summoned the seal in his palm. Kakashi followed Naruto further out into the field and they spoke briefly, then as the clones resumed their attempts at leaf cutting he ambled back over to Tenzō, settled against a pillar and opened his book again.

It was a warm, bright day and he wished he’d set up his circle beneath a tree for shade. With his stomach now full the sunlight and the soft breeze were threatening to lull him to sleep. He yawned widely without covering his mouth and Kakashi glanced over.

“Am I boring you?”

He shook his head through the yawn. “Sorry. It’s just the sitting and waiting. It’s not very stimulating.”

“You’re not feeling stimulated? That’s a shame.” Kakashi flipped another page. “I wonder if there’s anything I could do to stimulate you.”

Tenzō’s cheeks heated and he regretted his word choice. There had been times in the past (years in the past) when he had found Kakashi’s company very stimulating indeed. Those memories, though, were locked away and he had no intention of unpacking them now.

“Orochimaru,” Kakashi said, bringing him suddenly wide awake.

“What?”

Kakashi was looking at him now, his book closed on his lap. “You had to face him on the mission, didn’t you? How was that?”

He realised that, in an abrupt and typically inappropriate way, Kakashi was asking him if he was alright. He let out the breath he’d been holding. “Not as bad as it could have been. The mission came first. I didn’t have time to dwell on it.”

“Good. I’m glad.”

They settled back into companionable silence for a little while. Tenzō watched a flock of birds flying high overhead.

“I should have asked you before,” Kakashi said. “When I came to your apartment to ask about my team, I should have included you. I’m sorry.”

He blinked, surprised. “That’s okay, Kakashi.”

Kakashi’s eye formed a happy arch. “It’s nice to see you out of the ANBU uniform, you know. You should make a habit of it.”

They both looked over at Naruto’s Kage Bunshin, still furiously trying to cut their leaves. Tenzō rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. “As soon as the Hokage clears me to go back, I’ll go back.”

“Ah.”

The day ended quietly as the sun kissed the horizon. Kakashi carried an exhausted Naruto back to the village and Tenzō followed, massaging his arms that ached from being held out in front of him for so long.

“I’ll get some food into him and then take him home,” Kakashi said, throwing Naruto’s limp body over his shoulder. “Same time tomorrow?”

“Sure,” Tenzō said.

Kakashi stepped closer and touched his arm, his voice dropping to a murmur. “And if you need any help with those stiff muscles, captain, I’ve been told I’m very good with my hands.”

He spluttered and turned bright red as Kakashi spun on his heel and walked away.

  
  


✽✦✽✦✽

  
  


Tenzō woke up suddenly that night, aware that his heart was beating too fast. At first he assumed it had been a nightmare but as his senses sharpened and the blanket of sleep lifted he felt an uncomfortable dampness at his crotch and realised with some surprise that he’d had a wet dream for the first time in years.

With a heavy sigh he dragged himself out of bed and shed his soiled pyjama pants. He washed himself quickly at the bathroom sink then put on clean underwear and slipped back into bed. Mercifully the mess hadn’t reached the bedclothes. He felt intensely embarrassed even though no one else would ever know what had happened. He was twenty four for God’s sake, far too old to be having wet dreams. Even as a teenager he’d rarely suffered from them. But then, he remembered, he’d come often enough when he was awake in those days without needing to do so while he slept as well.

When he closed his eyes, flashes of his dreams returned. A cold room where a storm raged outside and there was only a kerosene lamp for light; cool hands on his heated skin brushing over his face and his chest and then lower to grip and stroke him. His cheeks warmed and he tried to clear his mind and return to sleep but even after coming in his pyjamas he could feel a flutter of arousal low in his stomach. He sighed and rolled onto his back, trying to remember the last time he’d had sex. It had been a long time, much longer than he’d been aware of. Perhaps as long as two years. It shocked him to realise that. His abstinence hadn’t been intentional, he just hadn’t felt like hooking up with anyone in a while. Had he slept with anybody since he’d moved out of the ANBU barracks and into his own apartment? He didn’t think that he had.

Another facet of his dream came to him: a low voice in his ear that made him shiver, quiet words urging him to come while skilled hands coaxed him to do the same. It had been a dream but it had been built out of memories and he moved a hand to his cheek, remembering vividly how the fabric of the mask had felt pressed against it.

He’d been dreaming about Kakashi.

Tenzō groaned and sat up in bed, putting his head in his hands. Of all the people he’d slept with, why did he have to dream about Kakashi? Especially now that he was spending time with him every day? With resignation he acknowledged that the time they were spending together was doubtless the reason that those memories had resurfaced. He had very successfully avoided them for several years now. Not that they were bad memories, exactly, but they were unneeded. So the two of them had fooled around for a couple of years while they’d both been in ANBU; it had ended six years ago when Kakashi had been redeployed and he’d had plenty of other partners since then. He’d been young and awkward with Kakashi and in hindsight the whole thing seemed like a strange mistake. He’d been a kid with a misguided crush and he still had no idea what Kakashi’s motivation had been. Pity, perhaps?

Still, now that his mind had involuntarily returned to that vault he remembered the good parts, too. The first time something had happened between them he almost hadn’t believed it afterwards. It had felt incredible, not just physically–it had been over much too quickly to be so memorable–but emotionally. He'd always felt safe with Kakashi. He supposed, in retrospect, that Kakashi had protected him from the other more predatory soldiers who might have had him in their sights. It had been jarring to learn years later that sex was treated as a sort of initiation in ANBU and if Kakashi hadn’t taken care of him then he might not have had a choice over who claimed him first.

He’d never known for sure why Kakashi had touched him that first time, though, or why they’d gone on to spend the night together fairly regularly right up until Kakashi left. They’d never talked about it. It had just been something that was.

He settled back onto the pillows and for the first time in a long time let the memories in.

  
  


✽✦✽✦✽

  
  


After two years, Tenzō had felt that he was starting to get the hang of being a ‘shinobi of the leaf’. Really, ANBU wasn’t so different from Root. The missions and the protocols were the same and even the uniform was identical. Every now and then, though, something would happen that completely tripped him up and made him think that he still didn’t understand other people at all, and that something was usually Kakashi.

Although the closest thing to a friend that he had, Kakashi was also his superior and, on a much more personal level, his role model. That combination along with his lack of prior socialisation already made for a strange relationship; throwing Kakashi’s changeable nature into the mix left him in a tangle. He would think that he knew where he stood, then his captain would do something so totally unexpected that he would have to start over again from scratch.

On Monday Kakashi would be a friend, asking him questions about his likes and dislikes, tousling his hair and stopping by his training sessions with water and protein pills. On Tuesday he’d be cold and distant, only available to speak to if it was about an upcoming mission and even then not making eye contact, his whole posture defensive and closed off. On Wednesday he’d be arrogant, ordering Tenzō around and sending him on meaningless errands just for the opportunity to remind him that he was older and stronger and more important. His behaviour kept Tenzō on the back foot but it also kept him coming back, trying to unravel the mystery of Kakashi and also trying to please him so that his good moods might last for longer. When Kakashi was kind, Tenzō followed him around like a lap dog. The times that Kakashi dismissed him only made him want to fight harder for his approval.

Somehow Kakashi had come to fulfil every role in his life: friend, teacher, big brother, every person that he’d never had for real–at least, not that he knew. Maybe before he’d been Kinoe he'd had somebody but he’d never know.

(Danzō had been somebody, but not a good somebody. Even if Kakashi was only toying with him, he was still better.)

They were sparring together when the first incident happened, adding yet another thread to their multitudinous relationship and inflating Kakashi’s significance in his world to overwhelming proportions. Kakashi had been distant that day, not actively cruel to him but showing no particular interest in him or in anything else. Tenzō had suggested that they train together because he knew that Kakashi trained even harder on days like that so it would be his only chance of spending any time with him, even if the warm and friendly part of Kakashi wasn’t there at all.

Kakashi had shrugged as his eye slipped past Tenzō’s face. “Be careful, then. I won’t hold back.”

He fought hard with sword and Chidori, pushing Tenzō to use every jutsu that he had. His wood barriers splintered easily against the lightning chakra and the air around him took on the smell of a bonfire. In minutes he was breathless and sweating while Kakashi looked like he was barely trying at all, effortlessly taking the upper hand again and again. His hand swept past Tenzō’s face and he heard loose strands of his hair sizzle as they caught in the wake. He leapt backwards but Kakashi was already behind him; he grabbed hold of his hair and twisted it around his hand, bringing the buzzing Chidori to his throat.

“This hair is a weakness. Look how easily I caught you.”

Tenzō tried to pull out of his grip but couldn’t. Caught between the brute strength of Kakashi’s hold and the electric burn of his chakra his heart beat hard and his breaths came out erratic and shallow. Although restrained his hands were still free and he started to form seals as quickly as he could but he wasn’t fast enough; the whistle of the Chidori stopped and then Kakashi’s hands were locked around his wrists, wrenching his arms behind his back.

“I win,” he said with his head over Tenzō’s shoulder.

Tenzō slumped. “Okay. I give.”

Kakashi should have let him go then but he didn’t. He instead shifted his wrists into one hand and used the other to gather up his hair again.

“You should cut this.”

Kakashi’s breathing was a steady sound by his ear, everything about him controlled in contrast to his own trembling failure. Kakashi pulled on his hair and he gasped and, with a jolt of horror, realised that his dick was getting hard.

“Senpai. Let me go.”

“Hn. Is that any way to ask, kōhai?” Kakashi squeezed Tenzō’s wrists and pulled him closer. He blushed fiercely and tried to break free.

“Please!”

He could pinpoint the exact moment that Kakashi realised what the problem was; the breathing by his ear drew back and Kakashi dropped his hair. “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to–” He realised that he was still holding Tenzō’s wrists and abruptly let him go and put several steps of distance between them.

Tenzō hunched in on himself, mortified. He’d thought about Kakashi that way sometimes–had imagined being pinned by him and Kakashi using his superior strength to force him to submit–and those fantasies had inadvertently spilled over into reality. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to look his captain in the face again.

Then Kakashi’s voice came again, tentative and thoughtful.

“Do you want me to help you with that?”

He straightened up slowly. “Ah, senpai?”

Behind him he heard Kakashi walking closer. “It’s okay. I wouldn’t mind.”

He turned around. “I don’t understand.”

Kakashi looked at him seriously. “Oh, I’m sorry. Is this your first erection?”

He thought that his brain must have short-circuited. Maybe the lightning chakra had fucked up his neurons, because Kakashi couldn’t possibly have said  _ that _ .

“Follow me,” Kakashi said and, bewildered but still trusting him blindly, Tenzō took his hand. Kakashi led him out of the training ground and into the forest that bordered it, threading through trees and stepping over tangles of roots. He stopped in a place thick with foliage, the canopy above them casting the area into semi-darkness.

“Listen, do you have tissues or anything? Something to clean up with?”

“Clean what up?” Tenzō said and Kakashi raised his eyes to the sky.

“Just come here, would you? We’ll figure it out when it happens, I guess.”

Kakashi stepped behind him and started to unfasten his trousers and he jolted. “Hey! What are you–?”

“Relax,” Kakashi said, his chin resting on Tenzō’s shoulder. “I told you I don’t mind it. You’ll feel better afterwards, alright?”

He slid his right hand into Tenzō’s underwear and Tenzō squeaked. “Senpai!”

Kakashi leaned back against a tree and pushed Tenzō’s shirt up with his other hand. “Hold this out of the way, will you?”

Tenzō thought he must have been dreaming. Kakashi couldn’t really be–

Long fingers curled around his cock and he went from half-hard to fully erect in an instant. Kakashi chuckled. “There now. It’s alright, isn’t it?”

He pushed his trousers and underwear down to his thighs with shaking hands and Kakashi hummed his approval and started to stroke him. He was still wearing his gloves and the feel of the leather was strange but it was Kakashi touching him; he groaned and tipped his head back. His hips moved on their own and he pushed forward into the channel of Kakashi’s fingers, wetness leaking from the head of his cock and slicking the way.

“Kakashi...”

“Not long now,” Kakashi said, squeezing. “How is your aim, Tenzō?”

He whined when he came, Kakashi’s hand at the base of his cock stroking him carefully through his orgasm so that none of the mess would get on his glove or on their clothes. The whole thing had lasted less than two minutes.

“Good boy,” Kakashi murmured by his ear and he shuddered.

“Senpai.”

“You didn’t get any on your clothes, did you?”

Kakashi let him go and he slumped weakly against him. “I...don’t think so.”

“Good,” Kakashi said brightly and patted him on the shoulder. “Shall we go and take a shower back at the barracks?”

He pulled his trousers up carefully and stumbled after Kakashi. He felt that he must be dreaming. It couldn’t really have happened. His dick twitched, sticky and sensitive, telling him otherwise. Even the best dream wouldn’t feel so real.

They showered side by side for the first time since Tenzō’s crush on Kakashi had turned sexual. He was bright red and it was only the recentness of his orgasm that stopped him from getting hard again. Even in the shower Kakashi wore his mask but the rest of his body was bare to him, slender and pale just the way that he’d always pictured it. He could imagine sliding his hands over all of that wet skin, he wanted so badly to reach out and touch but he was afraid that what had happened had meant something other than what he understood such things to mean.

He’d read books about sex but all of them said that it was an act that happened between two people who loved each other. Kakashi’s gloved hand jerking him off had been thrilling but it hadn’t felt like love, at least not how he thought love was supposed to feel. The urge to touch Kakashi was a fierce instinct but he couldn't trust it since Kakashi had given no indication that reciprocation was expected. He was afraid of breaking some sort of code that he didn’t understand.

As they towelled off and dressed again, Kakashi bumped his shoulder against Tenzō’s. “Hey. You were okay with that, right?”

“Hah,” Tenzō gasped. “Um. Yeah.”

“I just thought it would help. You seemed really tense today. Are you feeling better now?”

_ No _ , he thought but nodded because that was the response that Kakashi clearly wanted. He’d done it to help him. Not please him, just help him.

“Okay,” Kakashi said, patting him on the back. “Listen, I’m your captain. I know I’m not always the best at it, but it’s my job to look after you. If you ever need anything from me you just have to ask, alright?”

Tenzō coughed and turned away. “I didn’t realise a captain would do something like...like  _ that  _ for their teammate.”

“You’re old enough now,” Kakashi said, shrugging on his undershirt. “I was about your age. We don’t get a lot of time to ourselves and sometimes you–it, ah, happens, so you deal with it when you can. I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to be embarrassed in front of me, that’s all.”

“That’s all,” he said to himself quietly, then mustered up a smile. “Thank you, Kakashi-senpai. I appreciate your…help.”

Kakashi’s eye closed in a smile. “You’re welcome, Tenzō.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Very minor explicit content (seriously, blink and you'll miss it), mild dubcon, underage. Ages are not stated but the age gap follows canon (as far as it's ever that clear in canon, Kakashi's timeline is a mess) and Tenzo is definitely under 18.


	3. Chapter 3

Tenzō slept fitfully until sunrise and then rose with resignation. He didn’t expect Kakashi and Naruto to be ready for at least a couple of hours but he had never been one for sleeping in late; the quiet of the early morning was his favourite part of the day. He took a quick shower and dressed in a loose t-shirt and sweatpants before leaving the apartment.

It was shaping up to be another beautiful day in Konoha, mild and clear. The streets were empty aside from a handful of other shinobi also taking advantage of the quiet to train; he exchanged a cheery wave with Gai who was sparring with one of his students. The sound of their bright laughter followed him almost all the way to the edge of the village.

He jogged until he reached his favourite part of the forest, an area of roughly fifty metres hidden behind the thick trees that marked the border of the abandoned Uchiha compound. When he’d first discovered the place it had been a long neglected victim of the kyūbi attack, nothing but bare earth and the splintered trunks of dead trees. He’d gone to work clearing away the debris and replanting it and with a little help from the Yamanaka’s selection of plants for sale (and a lot of help from his Mokuton) he had slowly transformed the area from a wasteland into a meadow. Bordered by fruit trees, the grass now grew tall and lush throughout and the air was fragrant with the smell of flowers. As far as he knew nobody else from the village ever spent time there; he liked to imagine that the work he’d done brought some cheer to passers-by, but there had never been any evidence of visitors left behind. Tenzō walked to the centre of the clearing, stripped off his t-shirt and took a moment to enjoy the calm and the feel of the breeze on his bare skin, then he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and moved into the starting posture of his Tai Chi routine.

A former teammate, Kotone, had introduced him to Tai Chi several years ago and he’d taken to it immediately. As each pose flowed into the next he found that his lingering anxieties started to fade into the background of his mind until they felt distant and unimportant. His body was a tool that he used every day but it was only here that he had the time and space to appreciate everything that it was capable of, his muscles stretching and his joints flexing as he moved with no purpose beyond the movement itself. It was a world away from his intense ANBU training regimen that left him sweating and breathless; Tai Chi refreshed and revitalised him rather than wearing him out. Working through the familiar routine grounded him in the present, fixing his focus to his senses rather than his thoughts. When left to his own devices for too long he had a tendency towards worry and his instinct was to ignore and repress the feeling, but through Tai Chi and meditation he was learning how to still his mind and let the worries become insignificant instead. His many hobbies also ensured that his hands were always occupied and when he was busy, he wasn’t thinking.

He spent close to an hour in the clearing before picking up his discarded shirt and turning back towards Konoha. As he stretched one final time, a polite cough from nearby startled him and he instinctively sank into a crouch, the kunai from his calf wrapping already in his hand as he braced for attack.

“Do all of your enemies announce their presence by coughing?” a voice asked from a nearby tree.

Tenzō groaned and dropped his head. Of course it was Kakashi, come to undo all of the calm he’d generated. “Have you been watching the whole time?”

“Sadly it seems I missed most of the performance. Late as always, I suppose.” Kakashi dropped gracefully from the branch he’d been standing on. He was wearing his full jōnin uniform. “Are you planning an encore?”

“I wasn’t expecting an audience,” Tenzō replied as he pulled his shirt over his head.

“What about a private showing?”

“What are you doing here, Kakashi?”

Kakashi shrugged. “I dropped by your apartment but you weren’t there so I had to hunt you down. I wanted to start training early today. Have you eaten breakfast?”

“No.”

“Me neither.” Kakashi strolled to the edge of the clearing where a peach tree grew. “Has this tree always been here?”

“I planted it,” Tenzō said.

“It’s very convenient. May I?” Kakashi picked several of the fruit and tossed him three. “Here.”

They ate as they walked to Naruto’s apartment, Kakashi using a henge so it appeared that his mask never left his mouth. Juice ran down Tenzō’s chin and covered his fingers. They passed Gai again who called out joyfully to his ‘youthful rival’ and received a lacklustre lift of one hand from Kakashi in return.

“These peaches are very good,” Kakashi said. “You have hidden talents, captain.”

“It’s not so surprising,” Tenzō said while ducking his head, a little embarrassed by the compliment.

“How so?”

“You know.” He held up a hand and let twigs sprout from his fingertips.

Kakashi raised his eyebrows. “Well, now you’re just showing off.”

Naruto was fast asleep when they got there, his nightcap askew and a stuffed frog clutched in his arms. Kakashi knocked on the window and he bolted upright and promptly fell off of the bed.

“Ow ow ow!”

“Oi, Naruto! It’s time for training!”

Naruto sat up on the floor and yawned hugely. “Will you buy me breakfast, Kakashi-sensei?” Kakashi held up peaches in both hands and he grinned. “Okay, let’s go!”

As they prepared to jump from the balcony to the roof, Tenzō held out his hand. “Ah, senpai. I’m not exactly dressed for training.”

Kakashi studied him languidly. “You look fine to me.”

“I’d feel more comfortable in uniform.”

Kakashi turned to look out over the village. “As you wish. You can meet us at the training ground.” He jumped away and Naruto followed.

By the time Tenzō caught up to them Naruto had a small pile of sliced-in-half leaves in front of him and was bouncing impatiently on the balls of his feet.

“Captain Yamato! Kakashi said we need you for this part!”

“I want him to cut the waterfall with his chakra, but it’s only wide enough for ten clones,” Kakashi explained, gesturing vaguely. “Would you be so kind?”

Tenzō formed the seals and the ground shook as his waterfall from the day before grew wider and wider. It took a lot of chakra and he slumped panting to his knees when it was done. Kakashi was at his side in a flash.

“Was that too much? I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine,” he managed in between gasps of air, waving them both away. “Go ahead, Naruto.”

Once the swarm of Kage Bunshin were lined up on the platform near the top of the waterfall Kakashi knelt beside Tenzō and put a hand on his back. “If you need more time it’s okay. I’ll ask him to stop.”

He shook his head. “If I need to restrain the kyūbi I can. I have enough chakra.”

Kakashi’s fingers were resting lightly at the base of his spine where only his undershirt covered his skin, a barely there warmth. He straightened up slowly and the hand fell away. Kakashi beamed at him.

“I brought extra books today. I can read to you if you get bored.”

Tenzō eyed him suspiciously. “ _ Icha Icha _ books?”

“Not all of them,” Kakashi replied with a shrug. “Oh, do you have enough chakra to make me a bench?”

It was a strange morning but not unpleasant. Tenzō sat in his circle facing the waterfall with his palm outstretched in case the kyūbi’s chakra should emerge while Kakashi, true to his word, lounged on the bench Tenzō had made and read to him. It was much more entertaining than it should have been; Kakashi used different voices for each character and sometimes interjected his own comments for parts he particularly liked or disliked. He also had to admit that the writing was much better than he’d expected.

_ ‘...and although her tears were beginning to subside, a storm of emotions still raged within her as she clung to Shigeru. She felt that she couldn’t ever get as close to him as she needed to and he sensed her need and held her so tightly that she couldn’t breathe without smelling him, couldn’t move without feeling him. She slipped her small white hands beneath his shirt to touch his bare skin and felt him warm and strong and alive at her fingertips. Goosebumps raised on her arms and she knew that this would be their very last chance to be together and so she had to have him, right here and now, no matter the consequences. She looked up at him, wetting her parted lips with her tongue, and he watched her with tormented eyes. _

_ “Kiss me, Shigeru,” Ayako whispered. “Please.” _

_ He couldn’t deny her. His mouth met hers in a fierce, possessive kiss and she surrendered herself to it, giving her body up to him. Shigeru moved his hands to cup the swell of her breasts, knowing what she wanted from him before she asked for it, and she–’ _

“Kakashi!”

The silver-haired shinobi looked up from the book. “Hmm?”

“You can’t read that part out loud!” Tenzō kept his eyes fixed on the waterfall, his cheeks pink.

“Why not?” Kakashi glanced back at the book and seemed to realise as he skimmed over the page. “Oh. You don’t want to hear what happens next?”

“I know what happens next and no, I don’t want you to read it out to me in public, in the middle of the day, with our student right over there!” he hissed.

From the corner of his eye he saw Kakashi shift from his sprawled position and a second later he was sitting cross-legged beside him. “Why don’t we read it together, then?” He held the book open in front of him; Tenzō’s eyes flicked over the words  _ manhood  _ and  _ aching  _ and  _ thrust  _ and he quickly looked away.

“Just skip to the next chapter, okay?”

“Why do people always treat sex like it’s such a taboo?” Kakashi asked, closing the book with a snap. “If it’s such a normal part of life, why isn’t it out in the open?”

“Like it is in ANBU, you mean.”

“It never did us any harm, did it?”

Tenzō gave him a long look. “In your case, that’s highly debatable.”

“There you go being insolent again.” Kakashi shuffled a little closer and laid his head on Tenzō’s shoulder. “It would be better, though, wouldn’t it? If we could just be honest about what we want, or what we...don’t want. If people could talk about the things in these books without blushing and squirming.”

He was very aware of Kakashi’s hair tickling against his cheek and of how in this position it would be the most natural thing in the world to put his arm around him. He got the feeling that he was treading water, dangerously close to going under. He took a deep breath, still staring hard at Naruto and his Kage Bunshin but not really seeing them.

“You and I never talked about it.”

“Maybe we should have,” Kakashi said.

Before he could respond a triumphant chorus rang out as the waterfall was sliced through by Naruto’s wind chakra. As Naruto dispersed his clones he swayed dangerously on his feet and Kakashi flickered away to catch him before he fell, leaving Tenzō alone and confused in his circle.

They got lunch at Ichiraku. Naruto sat between them, delirious with hunger as he gnawed on his chopsticks and chanted “Ramen” until his food finally came. Over his blonde head Tenzō could feel Kakashi watching him. He steadfastly ignored him and ate his miso soup. When they were done he tried to shame Kakashi, as the most senior among them, into paying but Kakashi called his bluff by saying that he was the only kōhai he’d ever respected. Such cheap flattery absolutely should not have worked after ten years of knowing each other but it did, so Tenzō paid.

The afternoon was far more intense as Naruto tried to combine his wind nature with the Rasengan and with the kyūbi’s chakra straining to get out none of them had any time to talk. Tenzō had to focus all of his will on maintaining his jutsu and reacting quickly whenever a clone started to bubble with red chakra. As the day crept towards evening, Sakura came running over the training ground towards them.

“Kakashi-sensei! Tsunade-sama sent me. She needs to speak to you right now.”

Tenzō had always been amazed by how quickly Kakashi’s air of boredom and laziness fell away when things got serious; his posture straightened, he nodded at Sakura and a second later the two of them were rushing towards the Hokage tower, leaving him to stare in their wake.

He left Naruto to continue training for around thirty minutes longer, carefully monitoring his own chakra levels all the while, then called out for him to stop. Naruto dispersed his clones and dropped like a stone to his knees as all of the hours of practice hit him at once. Tenzō caught him before he face-planted into the dirt.

“I’m fine,” Naruto croaked, sagging in his arms. “Let’s keep going.”

“Maybe you’re fine, but I’m not. If we keep going I’ll burn through the last of my chakra.”

“Okay, okay,” Naruto said, then blinked and looked around. “Hey! What happened to Kakashi?”

At that exact moment Kakashi landed in a crouch beside them. “Hi.”

“What’s going on?” Tenzō asked.

Kakashi’s expression was dark. “Akatsuki. I’m going to lead Kurenai’s chūnin out to back up Team Asuma.”

Naruto struggled to stand up, leaning heavily against Tenzō. “I’m going, too.”

“Yes, but not yet. Tsunade is giving you one more day to master your jutsu.”

“I can fight now!” Naruto insisted, his words undermined by the fit of coughing that followed.

“No, Naruto. Tonight you need to rest, but tomorrow you must complete that jutsu. The Akatsuki are strong, you know that from the ones we met in Suna. We’ll need your help.”

Naruto nodded, his eyes bright and determined. “Okay. I’ll master this jutsu, I swear.”

Kakashi turned to Tenzō. “Tomorrow, you lead my whole team out to join us. Tsunade will give you a map so you can get close before you need to track us.” He held out his hand and Tenzō dropped several wooden seeds onto his palm.

“How many enemies?”

“Only two so far, but there could be more.” Kakashi took a deep breath and looked at them both. “We’ll do everything we can to subdue them before you get there, but please be prepared.”

“Be careful,” Tenzō said without really meaning to and he saw Kakashi’s eye widen before he turned away.

“Twenty four hours. I’ll see you then.”

Tenzō and Naruto spent the night in the training ground. After a quick supper of tinned fish and dried fruit they settled into their sleeping bags with a small fire burning close by. Tenzō lay on his back with his arms beneath his head, counting the stars.

“Captain Yamato?”

“Hmm?”

He heard Naruto shifting next to him. “What if I don’t finish the jutsu in time?”

“I believe you will, Naruto.”

“But what if I don’t?”

He sounded very young and it struck Tenzō again that this generation of shinobi hadn’t grown up as he had. They still had so much of their innocence. They still had hearts soft enough to be broken by the bad in the world.

“You can’t worry about failing, you can only fight your hardest to succeed.”

Naruto was propped on his elbows, his face tilted towards the sky. “Did Kakashi-sensei tell you I used to be the worst at ninjutsu? I only passed the Academy because I stole that scroll from old man Hokage and learned Kage Bunshin.”

He sat up. “Naruto. This doesn’t sound like you.”

Naruto grinned. “Well, you haven’t known me for all that long.”

“That’s true, but I know a lot about you. I know that you were able to learn the Fourth’s Rasengan in only a few days. I know that you single-handedly defeated the Ichibi. And today I watched you use your chakra nature to slice a waterfall in half after only one day of practise.”

“So you think I can do it?”

“Or die trying,” he said.

Naruto laughed quietly. “I guess I am pretty awesome, huh?” Then his eyes gleamed. “Hey, is it true that Kakashi became a jōnin when he was only twelve years old?” Tenzō nodded and he gaped. “Wow. He must have been really special.”

“He is incredibly talented,” Tenzō agreed, “but back then Konoha needed as many jōnin as it could get. Maybe if there hadn’t been a war he would have stayed a chūnin for a little longer.”

“Do you think so?”

“I only know that things are very different now. Kakashi didn’t get to have a normal childhood. None of us did.”

“Neither did I,” Naruto said wistfully, then he brightened. “Did you know Kakashi back then, Captain Yamato?”

“Not when he was that young, but we did meet once or twice before you were born.”

Naruto bounced in his sleeping bag. “What was he like? Did he wear a mask then, too? Have you ever seen his face?”

“No, I haven’t. He’s worn that mask since long before I ever knew him.”

“Was he really different when he was my age? Did he read those dumb books all the time? Have you ever read them? When did he learn how to do Rasengan?”

Tenzō held up his hands, laughing. “That’s a lot of questions. Why don’t you ask Kakashi himself?”

“He never tells us anything!” Naruto whined. “Please?”

“One question,” he said. “What do you really want to know?”

Naruto thought about it, his hand at his mouth. “I guess...what was he like? He’s such a weirdo now. Has he always been like that?”

“Why do you think he’s a weirdo?”

Naruto pulled a face, his eyes narrowed and his lower lip sticking out in a pout. “He’s always slouching around by himself, he doesn’t have any friends except for Gai and he doesn’t seem to like Gai all that much, he never tells us  _ anything  _ about himself, he’s always late and his excuses are the  _ worst _ , even worse than mine, and he never uses the  _ door _ .”

The more time that he spent with Naruto, the more he was growing to like him. As frustrating as his lack of experience had been during the mission, his innocence and naivety were truly endearing qualities and his inability to think before talking was highly entertaining. Tenzō had to grin as he responded.

“You’re right, Kakashi really is a weirdo.”

“Why is he like that?” Naruto asked.

“I don’t know. He wasn’t all that much different when we were younger. I know a little more about his past than you do, I think, but it’s not my place to say.”

“Were you friends?”

Tenzō considered. “Yes, we were friends. He was my captain, though.”

“Is that why you always call him senpai?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Old habits are hard to break.”

Naruto flopped back onto his bedroll and turned on his side to face him. “He never mentioned you to us.”

“You told me he never tells you anything.”

“Yeah, but we knew about Gai.” Naruto squinted at him. “So where have you been?”

“You know, Sakura asked me the same thing.”

“What did you tell her?”

“That it’s a big village. I bet there are lots of shinobi you’ve never heard of.”

“Hn.” Naruto was pouting again. Tenzō lay back down beside him.

“We should get some sleep. You have a lot of work to do tomorrow.”

Naruto stared up at the stars. “After this mission, will you still be our captain?”

“That depends on the Hokage’s orders.”

“Would you like to be?”

He considered again. “Maybe for a little while longer.”

“Then I’ll ask granny Tsunade and she’ll have to let you stay,” Naruto said with such authority that for a moment Tenzō truly believed that the world could be so simple.

He fell asleep as the embers of the fire were dying, waking when the sky was still dark to find that Naruto had crept to the edge of the training ground and was working on his new jutsu again. With a sigh he got up and formed the circle of pillars; Naruto looked over at him and he nodded and held out the seal on his palm.

By the next afternoon Naruto had finished his Rasenshuriken and, joined by Sakura and Sai, they hurried to meet the others.

✽✦✽✦✽

When Tenzō first joined ANBU and left Kinoe behind, he read a lot of books. Every chance he had, he snuck away from the barracks to the village library. He wasn’t interested in history or geography; after years in Root he already knew as much about those subjects as he’d ever want or need to. He read books with titles like  _ Human Communication and the Social Contract _ ;  _ Body Language and How to Interpret It _ ;  _ Easy Ways to Influence People to Like You _ . The kind of books that he saw Sai reading now and pretended not to notice. In the end he hadn’t needed the books because ANBU had its own society that was nothing like the outside world. The very fact of his being there had made him an instant ally to every other member and in ANBU, allies were friends. He hadn’t needed to fight for acceptance because it was automatic; he'd had a place there without having to earn it.

Friendship had come effortlessly, but it hadn't been built to last. Assassins couldn’t afford to develop bonds that might compromise their dedication to the mission; he’d learned that well in Root and although socialising wasn’t forbidden in ANBU the central message still held true, implicit in the use of codenames and the inflexibility of rank. It was this that he missed as he travelled back to Konoha with the others. They had all survived, but some of them only barely. Asuma in particular was badly injured, perhaps mortally; Sakura had used what medical ninjutsu she could but he was still too weak to travel unaided. Shikamaru carried him most of the way, clearly struggling under the weight but glaring at anybody who offered to take over. It was painfully clear how strongly he felt about his sensei and Tenzō wished he didn't have to see it.

The value of a soldier was in his statistics; his kill count, his years served, his special skills. A soldier was only as valuable as his page in the enemy’s Bingo Book and although Tenzō had seen people openly weeping for lost teammates, in ANBU the grief had always been short-lived. If Asuma died, though, Shikamaru would fall apart. It was unspoken but all of them knew it. All of them were thinking about Kurenai back in the village, too, about how torturous it must be not knowing if Asuma would return at all.

On an ANBU mission they would have made a clinical judgement in the field; if Asuma was unlikely to recover they would have ended his suffering then and there and destroyed the body to leave no trace of intelligence for enemies. Perhaps they would still mourn but the masks would hide their tears, Asuma’s role would be quickly reassigned and his only legacy would be his kill count, his mission successes and his rank at time of death. Being killed in action was a constant threat to all shinobi to the point that it wasn’t even a threat so much as a fact of life: grass was green, the sky was blue, you’d be lucky if you lived to see your fortieth year. And yet somehow, death felt more tragic outside of ANBU. Friendships had much deeper roots and losing people hurt right down to the bone.

ANBU was a comfort that Tenzō was nowhere near ready to leave behind. He’d seen death there, an awful lot of it, but it hadn’t been personal in the same way as the terror and grim determination that Shikamaru wore now as he brought his sensei home perhaps to die. He knew that as many people as he’d seen die in front of him already in his life, he wouldn’t be able to bear to watch any of his team die now, Naruto, Kakashi, Sakura or Sai. To think of them as his team was terrifying in and of itself, as though the final barrier between his experiences and his feelings had fallen away. He’d always protected Konoha and the people in it but in ANBU he had been able to compartmentalise. He’d never felt the fear of losing it all deep in his bones at night while he lay awake in a warm, safe bed with only his own thoughts for company and those thoughts telling him that all of it was too precious to risk. He’d fought for his village and his neighbours as a weapon but now he was fighting for them as a person and he didn’t believe himself strong enough to shoulder the burden, not without the white mask to hide behind. The mask was the perfect symbol, always reminding him of his duty but keeping him anonymous, a drone among many. Behind its cover he’d fought for abstract principles and ideals but now those ideals had real human faces and it was overwhelming.

Kakashi fell into step beside him and he wanted to run on ahead but he didn’t, couldn’t.

“Naruto’s new jutsu is too dangerous. We can’t let him use it again.”

“I know.”

They travelled in silence for several miles, keeping pace with each other near the back of the group. Naruto was far ahead of them, part of the vanguard with Izumo, Kotetsu and Choji. Shikamaru and Asuma travelled in the middle, protected by the others.

“I can’t stay here,” Tenzō blurted out, keeping his voice low so only Kakashi would hear.

Kakashi turned his head fractionally towards him. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to leave ANBU. Maybe one day, but not yet.”

Kakashi took a long time to respond. “You will have to do whatever is best for Konoha.”

“You didn’t,” he said resentfully. “You were the best soldier in ANBU and you left anyway.”

“Tenzō–”

“I can’t leave.”

“That isn’t your decision,” Kakashi said. He reached out, hesitated and drew his hand back. “And even if it were, if you stay out for long enough are you sure you’ll still want to go back?”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” he replied.

✽✦✽✦✽

He was really starting to hate hospitals.

In one room Naruto growled and pouted, not wanting to accept that a jutsu he’d worked so hard to create was too dangerous to be used. In another room was Asuma, still in bad shape but not critical and surrounded by seemingly every other jōnin in Konoha. His room was overflowing with fruit baskets, balloons and flowers.

Tenzō hung back in the doorway, looking in at the crowd as they laughed and congratulated Asuma on his victory.

“I’d hate to see what you did to the other guy.” “Those cigarettes’ll kill you before anything else gets a chance.” “Nothing less from you, Asuma.” “Don’t scare us like that again, alright?”

Shikamaru sat in the room’s only chair between the bed and the window; he affected an air of boredom as he looked out at the sky but by all accounts he hadn’t left the hospital since they’d brought Asuma in. Kurenai perched on the edge of the bed, her fingers twined with Asuma’s. Ino was busy fussing with the many vases of flowers and Choji was gorging on fruit. Asuma himself was half-sitting with several pillows supporting his back, responding as much as he could to the well-wishers. He looked exhausted but he also looked happy, his soft smile bringing a light to his face that shone through the shadows of lingering pain.

Tenzō ducked out of the room and in the cool quiet of the corridor he took several deep breaths, trying to empty his mind. He’d never been good with crowds and under these circumstances it was even worse. He didn’t want to have to think about how close they’d come to defeat and how many people would have suffered if they hadn’t managed to save Asuma in time. Naruto, too, could have been hurt much more badly.

It wasn’t normally this hard for him after a mission, it hadn’t been since he’d gotten used to failure and loss and death when the dead had names, were on his side. In ANBU with the masks to hide those things behind he’d been okay. He hadn’t felt such a sharp awareness of how things might have gone differently in years, not since he was a teenager losing teammates for the very first time, howling as he watched Tanaka and Jenko collapsing onto the Kiri mud and–

“Oi, Yamato.” Kakashi leant against the wall outside Naruto’s room. Tenzō offered him a weak wave and immediately wished he’d put more effort into it as his former captain walked over to him. He'd only wanted a few minutes to himself, had that been too much to ask? “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” he said, not impolitely but in a way that he hoped didn’t invite any further conversation.

Kakashi’s dark eye didn’t leave his face. “You’re not.”

“I’m fine,” he repeated, turning towards the stairs.

Kakashi caught his arm. “Wait–”

“Why is it always you?”

He closed his eyes and in the wake of his words he felt Kakashi step around to stand in front of him, blocking his exit. “What have I done?”

“Every time I feel uncertain, it’s because of you. Whenever something pulls the rug out from under my feet you’re right there, Kakashi.”

Kakashi paused. “Are you talking about–?”

“I don’t want to do this,” Tenzō said, shouldering his way past.

Kakashi followed him down the stairs and out of the hospital. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t want to be captain to a team of kids. I don’t want to visit my teammates in the hospital. I just–” He stopped walking close to the perimeter fence, throat tight and eyes burning. “I want to go back to ANBU. I was happy there.”

Kakashi stood in the shadow of the building, watching him. “Were you happy? Or were you just surviving?”

“Is there any difference?” he asked. “In this world, isn’t it the same thing?”

“I used to think so, too,” Kakashi said. “I know how it feels to believe you can only ever be a soldier, but it isn’t true. You don’t have to isolate yourself.”

“It’s too much. I can’t do it.”

“You can,” Kakashi said, starting to walk towards him. “You’ll be fine. I’m here.”

Tenzō looked at him sharply. “Are you? Were you ever really there for me?”

“It’s okay to be scared sometimes,” Kakashi said, ignoring the jab.

“We’re soldiers,” he snapped. “We don’t get to be scared.”

“We’re human, too.” Kakashi was close enough now to touch, out of sight behind him. The back of his neck prickled. “You can live this life if you want to. You’ve visited me in hospital before, plenty of times. You were always okay then, weren’t you?”

“That was different. You were always different.”

Kakashi folded his arms across his chest but his expression didn’t change from its typically cool neutral. “How?”

Tenzō took a deep breath and let it out slowly, willing himself to calm down, pushing his emotions aside so that when he turned to face Kakashi his expression was carefully blank. “You were the best of all of us. I never honestly believed that you could die.”

“Then you were wrong,” Kakashi said. He put his hand on Tenzō’s shoulder and he flinched. "I could have been killed on every single mission. For a long time I wouldn’t have cared if I was. Did I ever tell you that?”

“You hardly told me anything,” Tenzō said, leaning towards Kakashi in spite of himself, swayed by his instincts.

“I learned to trust other people, to get support from my friends. I didn’t ever think I would. You could do it, too.”

He jerked away from Kakashi and the hand on his shoulder fell away. “Stop talking to me like I’m a child when you’re the one who never–” His teeth clenched and he dropped his head forward.

“Tenzō–”

“I have to go, okay? Don’t follow me.”

He ran over the rooftops, veering at one point towards the Hokage tower then changing his mind. He needed to calm down, he needed to be logical and right now his blood was running too hot for that. He’d said far too much to Kakashi and he regretted it intensely.

He ran to the training grounds and practised taijutsu until his muscles ached and he wasn’t thinking anymore, then he went home and took a long shower with the water almost scalding hot. After that he finally felt more settled and he made a pot of tea and watered his plants while it steeped.

He’d lived in the ANBU barracks for many years and moved into his current apartment when he’d turned twenty one. A lot of rebuilding had happened after the kyūbi attack and housing had been at a premium. Many ANBU soldiers preferred to stay in the barracks to this day, but once Kakashi had left Tenzō had never been comfortable there. As a cell captain Kakashi had lived in private quarters but Tenzō had shared a six bed dormitory, which had been okay as a teenager but irritating as an adult. His apartment in the village was fine as a place of respite for when the crush of life on the front lines became too much. He didn't know if he could call it a home–he didn't really know what a home was supposed to feel like–but he was more settled there than he'd been in the barracks and he enjoyed the privacy and solitude.

He really wasn’t ready to leave ANBU, he was sure of it. Sometimes he just needed a little space.

He sat down with his tea and wrote a letter to the Hokage, keeping it in the style of a mission report with bare facts and logic only. He outlined why he was more of an asset to Konoha in his former role, explaining that his removal from ANBU would leave a tactical gap in their ranks which would be more of a risk to the village than the possibility of Naruto losing control. He pointed out that as a masked ANBU soldier he could still be deployed to shadow Naruto on missions in case his Mokuton was needed and, in his view, that was the correct strategy.

He didn’t send the letter. Once he’d finished the pot of tea and eaten a light supper it felt like an unreasonable, even insubordinate thing to do. How condescending of him to write as though the Hokage wasn’t capable of analysing the risks and benefits of her decisions. How arrogant to assume that his role was of any real importance to Konoha. Besides which, he wasn’t even certain that his redeployment was permanent. Tsunade had said as much in their last meeting.

A knock at the door jolted him from his reveries. He was surprised to find Gai outside, wearing a black wool coat over his usual jumpsuit.

“Good evening, Yamato. I was wondering if you’d like to join us for a drink.”

“Ah, actually–”

“And I’ve been ordered not to take no for an answer,” Gai interrupted, smiling.

“Oh?”

“Oi, Yamato,” called an all-too-familiar voice from the ground and he groaned.

“Tell him I have a headache. Please, Gai?”

“Just one drink,” another voice called; Kurenai. She surprised a laugh out of him and Gai’s eyes twinkled.

“You wouldn’t leave me at their mercy, would you?”

“One drink,” he said with a sigh, turning towards his bedroom. “But they’ll have to wait, I’m not dressed for going outside.”

Once he'd changed into slacks and a sweater Gai escorted him down to the street where the other two waited. Kurenai was wearing a modest but form-fitting patterned dress and her hair was half tied back. Kakashi wore his jōnin uniform aside from the flak jacket and weapons pouches although Tenzō didn’t doubt that all of them had at least one weapon hidden on their person; his own kunai was strapped to his calf and his back pocket was stuffed with paper bombs.

Gai led them to a small café bar tucked behind the main market in the village centre and paid for their first round of sake. They sat on the patio. The sun had not long set and the sky was still orange and pink to the west.

“Have the medics said how long Asuma will be on bed rest for?” Tenzō asked Kurenai.

“At least two weeks,” she said, frowning. “He won’t tell me what happened, you know. Neither will Shikamaru.”

“All that matters is that he returned to you alive,” said Gai.

“I wouldn’t want to know the details,” said Kakashi. “All I’d do is look for the tactical errors and lecture him on what he could have done better.”

“Yes, we know,” Tenzō said and Gai laughed.

“Indeed. Do you remember when I was poisoned during an S-rank mission two years ago?”

“I didn’t shut up for a week,” Kakashi said with good humour. Tenzō had never heard that story. It was still strange to imagine Kakashi having friends even though he was seeing it with his own eyes. The Kakashi of the past– _ his _ Kakashi, he thought possessively–had been a logically minded, mission-focused soldier just like he was.

Although, they'd had each other back then, hadn't they?

Kurenai slapped her palms down on the table top. “Hey now, I didn’t come here to talk about missions. I want to forget all about them.”

“Sorry.” He coloured but Kurenai touched his arm gently.

“Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. Please, talk about whatever you want to.”

Everyone’s eyes landed on him and he felt himself blushing harder. It was Kakashi who stepped in to save him, pulling a deck of cards out of his pocket.

“Let’s play poker. Loser buys the next round.”

Gai beamed. “I accept your challenge, rival! Deal me in!”

Kakashi was, unsurprisingly, very good at poker. After he’d won four hands in a row, Gai began to chafe.

“You really shouldn’t be wearing that mask. It’s unsportsmanlike. How can we tell if you’re bluffing?”

“Maa, I don’t have much of a poker face,” Kakashi drawled.

Tenzō snorted. “Who in the world told you that? Your ANBU mask showed more emotion than I’ve ever seen in your face.”

Kurenai burst out laughing and tossed back another sake. “You’d better not be using that Sharingan, Hatake.”

“He wouldn’t,” Gai said fiercely. “My eternal rival is nothing if not honourable.”

“Against the three of you, it wouldn’t be worth the chakra,” Kakashi said.

Kurenai laughed again, definitely on her way to being very drunk. Tenzō suspected she’d been much more shaken up by seeing Asuma in the hospital than she was willing to admit. He couldn’t say that he blamed her. He wanted to drink until he forgot it all, too.

They showed no restraint, downing round after round until the owner of the café came outside to inform them that he was closing soon and they’d have to leave.

Gai stood up, swaying dangerously. “Everyone back to Kakashi’s place!”

“Hey, hey,” Kakashi said quickly, "that's not happening.”

“Everyone back to my place!” Gai tried again.

“I’m going home,” Kurenai said, her voice thick, “And I may throw up there.”

“We’ll walk you,” Kakashi said, taking her arm. She leaned on him gratefully and the four of them set off through the streets.

After they’d seen Kurenai safely home, they walked to Gai’s apartment. It took twice as long as it should have done because Gai insisted on walking on his hands. He tried to persuade Kakashi to race him but Kakashi refused. At his front door he clapped Tenzō on the back.

“I’m glad you’re out of ANBU, my friend.”

“I’m not out,” Tenzō said quickly. “This is just temporary.”

“I hope that isn’t true,” Gai said, leaning heavily on his shoulder and stooping to look him in the eyes. “It’s a rotten place for a good man, and you, Yamato, are a good man.”

“Um. Thank you.”

“Tell him, Kakashi. Tell him he shouldn’t go back.”

“I have,” Kakashi said.

“I like you very much,” Gai said, patting his shoulder. “I’m honoured to be your friend and I hope you’ll come out with us more often.”

Beside him, he could tell that Kakashi was trying not to laugh. “I will, Gai. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight! A glorious, youthful night! Good indeed!”

Once Gai had finally gone inside, Kakashi put his hands in his pockets and turned to Tenzō. “I’d better walk you home. I’m afraid he might come back and kidnap you.”

“Alright,” Tenzō said, feeling that it was anything but. He didn't think he was terribly drunk but he definitely had a buzz. It was impossible to tell how drunk Kakashi was or even to guess how many cups of sake he’d had since he used henges and sleight of hand to drink without revealing his face.

Kakashi took a book from his pocket and they walked in silence until they got to Tenzō's apartment and he coughed. “This is me.”

Kakashi looked up indifferently. “So it is.”

Without thinking, letting the sake make the decision for him, he stepped into Kakashi’s personal space and hooked his fingers over his belt.

“Come up.”

He thought he saw Kakashi’s eye widen but it was so slight a change and the light was so scarce that he could have imagined it.

“What?”

“If you’re so determined, if you want me out of ANBU so badly, then give me something. Come upstairs, Kakashi. Come on.”

Kakashi’s gloved hands curled around his wrists. “I can’t.”

“Don’t give me that,” he almost spat, “with the way you’ve been acting." He pushed his hand beneath Kakashi's shirt and felt his stomach tense, flinching away from his fingers. "You didn't walk me home for nothing.”

Kakashi turned away; with the hitai-ate covering the left side of his face he was completely unreadable. “Not like this, Tenzō.”

"Just leave, then." He pushed Kakashi roughly away and he stumbled. “It’s what you’re best at, isn't it?”

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi said, still turned away from him. His voice was low, something like hurt, but Tenzō couldn’t believe that he was. You couldn’t hurt something that didn’t have a heart.

“You’re the worst thing that ever happened to me,” he said, digging in his pocket for his keys. “I wish we’d never met.”

Kakashi’s book had fallen forgotten to the cobblestones; he almost stepped on it as he walked towards Tenzō. “We will talk about this, I promise, but not now, not when you’re drunk.”

“We’ve had ten years to talk,” he said as he started up the stairs. “Just forget it.”

“Don’t hate me, Tenzō.” There was a break in Kakashi’s voice that actually made him pause. “Please.”

“You make it too easy,” he said.

It took him three attempts to unlock the front door because his hands were shaking. Inside he kicked off his sandals and flopped face down onto the futon.

He’d known it was a mistake to go out with them. He’d known it was a bad idea to be around Kakashi any more than missions dictated that he had to be. Kakashi had always been able to get inside his head and make him unsure of his instincts. Their relationship was a puzzle that he’d never been able to solve; the challenge kept him from walking away but every time he tried to define what they were to each other, he hit a wall of rejection.

He groaned and put his head in his hands. How could he have thought that casual sex was even an option? He had to be drunker than he’d thought if he’d believed even for a second that anything between them could ever be so simple. He'd taken Kakashi's flirting at face value when he should have known better; Kakashi wore so many masks that trusting anything he said was a fool’s errand.

Tenzō conceded that he wore a few masks of his own these days. Perhaps that was why Kakashi had felt that he could get close to him without consequence: he’d done too good a job of acting like he didn’t care.

The masks and the half-truths were probably the only thing they'd ever had in common. He’d been lying to himself for years to believe that they could ever be friends. There was far too much left unresolved between them to ignore or erase.

_ This is where it ends _ , he thought as he drifted off to sleep.  _ Tomorrow I’ll be a shinobi and nothing more. I’ll do my duty for Konoha and I won’t care about the rest. I’ll send that letter to the Hokage and that will be the last of it _ .


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings at the end.

When Kakashi was twelve, he was promoted to jōnin. On his very first mission, Obito died.

When Kakashi was thirteen, Rin threw herself onto his Chidori.

When Kakashi was fourteen, he was enlisted into ANBU. Then the kyūbi attacked Konoha and Minato-sensei–his last surviving teammate and the closest thing to family he had left–was killed.

Between those tragedies the usual milestones of adolescence had slipped by unnoticed, any thoughts of romance or sex smothered by trauma before they’d even started to bloom. He thought that he must have had erections before, but the first one he could remember happened after the kyūbi attack. It was a summer’s afternoon and he was in his corner of the ANBU dormitory practising drawing seals. His concentration slipped as he became aware of an uncomfortable tight sensation in his groin, as distracting as an itch.

Kakashi hadn’t learned about puberty at the academy since he’d graduated so young. His only education on the subject had been a book detailing the changes he could expect his body to go through; Minato had slipped the slim volume into a stack of study material on ninjutsu. It had been dryly scientific and the one time he’d tried to ask Minato about it directly his sensei had turned pink and changed the subject, so he hadn’t tried again. At that age the facts hadn’t meant much to him–he’d sniggered over the diagrams of naked bodies and disregarded most of the rest–but as a teenager becoming aware of his own body for the first time he was desperate to remember anything he’d read that could help him to deal with whatever was happening.

He had been alone in the six bed dorm but as he dropped his brush into the pot of ink he’d been using, somebody walked through the door. He looked up and recognised his captain, Hideki.

“Yo, Kakashi. Come outside and spar with me.”

He shook his head quickly. “Not right now. I’m busy.”

“You’re getting ink everywhere,” Hideki tutted. As he walked closer Kakashi felt a blush creeping up his neck. Hideki must have noticed something because he stopped halfway across the room. “Is everything alright?”

Hideki was around two years older than Kakashi, a kind captain who was attuned to the emotions of his team and quick to offer support in whichever form it was needed. Kakashi, being fiercely self-reliant, had never gone to him for help before and his skill on the battlefield meant Hideki largely left him alone.

(There were already whispers that Kakashi would soon be promoted to captain himself after less than a year in ANBU and he welcomed the notion. Anything less, in fact, would have felt like an insult.)

Aside from the occasional check-in after a particularly bloody mission, Hideki had always trusted that Kakashi could take care of himself. Now, though, his captain’s warm brown eyes were searching his face and he couldn’t escape from their concern as he looked down at his crossed legs.

“I have a...problem. In my body. I forget how it’s called.”

Hideki crouched in front of him. “A problem?”

Try as he might the word wouldn’t come to him, and the more he dwelt on it the stronger the uncomfortable almost-itch feeling got. He gestured awkwardly to his crotch and Hideki frowned, then his eyes widened and he sat back.

“You have an erection?”

“Is that the right word? I should have remembered it.”

“It’s nothing to worry about, you know.”

He risked a wary glance at his captain. “How do I make it go away?”

“Have you never...had one before?” He shook his head and Hideki sighed. “Nobody ever taught you this stuff?"

“I read a book once, but I don't remember.”

“I could help you,” Hideki said, watching him levelly, “if you want me to.”

Information from the textbook drifted hazily through his mind. An erection was intended to do sex with, he remembered, and sex was how babies were made. He frowned. “Don’t we have to be married first?”

“Shit, you really don’t know anything,” Hideki said.

Kakashi shifted where he sat; the seam of his trousers rubbed against him uncomfortably and he hissed. Hideki’s eyes flickered from his face down to his crotch.

“Does it hurt?”

“Sort of,” he said, wincing.

Hideki wet his lips with the tip of his tongue then reached out and pressed his hand against Kakashi’s crotch, kneading hard with the heel of his palm. Kakashi flinched and his eyes widened. Hideki watched his face closely.

“Are you okay with me touching you like that?”

“Why?” Kakashi breathed even as he instinctively rubbed up against Hideki’s hand. He felt wetness leaking out of him, inside his underwear, and swallowed back disgust. “What for?”

“If you come, the erection will go away,” Hideki said and squeezed the bulge of his cock. Kakashi gasped quietly and grabbed hold of his wrist. “I can make you come if you let me touch you.”

He understood desire on some level–he knew that Obito had loved Rin and Rin had felt something for him that he’d never reciprocated–but he’d never felt that pull towards another person. He didn’t feel it now but if he was going to do sex with anyone, he thought it may as well be with Hideki, who he trusted.

“Okay.”

Hideki stood up and reached out to pull him to his feet. “Somewhere a little more private. Let’s go to the locker room.”

The locker room wasn’t empty and he wondered why Hideki considered it more private than the dorm. Two men were showering opposite the lockers, the wet skin of their backs, thighs and buttocks gleaming under the fluorescent lights. Hideki untied his leg bindings and weapons pouches and stripped off his clothes until only his underwear remained and motioned for Kakashi to do the same. He did so with no embarrassment. The textbook hadn’t said anything about nudity and when it was or wasn’t appropriate; he’d only ever treated his body as a weapon or a tool and it wasn’t abnormal for him to be nearly naked in front of fellow soldiers. Standing next to Hideki in his underwear with his erection tenting the fabric, he felt very little beyond a faint sense of relief that he didn't have to figure this out alone.

“We’ll do it in the shower,” Hideki said and led him there. Naked under the warm water, he stood behind Kakashi and curled his fingers around the inconvenient erection. Kakashi jerked, startled at the way that being touched there felt different than on other parts of his body, hotter and more electric.

“You’ve really never done this,” Hideki marvelled as he slid his hand down to the base of his penis and back. “Does it feel good?”

He frowned. “It’s...weird. How long does it take?”

“Not too long.” Hideki leant his chin on his shoulder and both of them watched his hand move up and down. The weird, shocky feeling intensified and the almost-itch got fiercer. He groaned in frustration.

“It’s not working. Hideki–”

“Hush.” He felt the brief press of Hideki's mouth against the wet skin of his neck. “Here. Watch how I do it.”

Hideki stopped stroking him and moved his hands to Kakashi’s hips to turn him around. His dick was half-hard and as Kakashi watched he squeezed out some shampoo and used it to stroke himself. His penis visibly thickened in his fist as he moved his hand. “Like this, see?”

Kakashi frowned as he watched Hideki standing under the spray of the shower, his brown hair plastered to the side of his face and a red flush creeping over his skin as he touched himself.

“You’re enjoying it?”

Hideki laughed. “You really are a strange one, aren’t you? Come on, try it for yourself.”

Kakashi poured a little shampoo out into his palm and took hold of his own erection. He started to stroke it the way Hideki was stroking himself. His captain smiled and moved his hand faster.

“Good?”

“I...don’t know,” he said, still frowning. His dick felt even harder than it had done before he’d started. “Am I doing it right?”

“You’re fine,” Hideki said, pumping his hips forward to meet his fist. His eyes were heavy-lidded as he watched Kakashi. “If it doesn’t feel good, try going a little faster or holding a little tighter.”

He put his free hand on Kakashi’s hip again; the touch felt proprietary and Kakashi looked up at his face so that he wouldn’t have to see his own hand working. They were being watched openly by the other soldiers in the locker room, including the two still in the showers just a couple of feet away from them. He moved a little closer to Hideki because he sensed that his captain wanted him to. Hideki tilted his head and slid his hand up to the dip of Kakashi’s waist.

“I don’t suppose you’d ever want to do this again? With me?”

“Want to?” Kakashi asked, surprised, and Hideki shook his head, smiling.

“It’s okay. I didn’t really think so.”

A new more intense tightness started to spread through Kakashi’s groin and stomach and in spite of his discomfort it wasn't unpleasant. He braced his free hand on the tiled wall by Hideki’s shoulder and thrust into his fist. His thumb brushed over a sensitive spot and he jerked forward with a gasp. Hideki watched him intently, his lips parted and shining in the shower spray.

“Keep going, Kakashi.”

He came suddenly with a startled grunt. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting out of the exercise but it hadn’t been this, the wave of sensation that swept through his whole body as his penis squirted white gunk out over his hand. He stared up at Hideki, alarmed, just as his captain groaned and squirted over his own fist as well. That was good, Kakashi thought. That meant that he’d done it right. Eyes closed and panting, Hideki pulled him in closer and he slipped on the wet tiles, colliding with his chest. His legs were shaky and he wanted to collapse against his captain but his body felt overly sensitive and the slick of warm wet skin against his own was unpleasant. He held himself tensely upright in Hideki’s arms.

“What happened?”

“You came,” Hideki said, supporting his weight with an arm around his chest. “When you get an erection, if you stroke it for long enough that’s what happens. It makes you feel good and then the erection goes away.”

The white gunk was still clinging to their hands, their stomachs. Kakashi shuddered with revulsion. “Is that really the only way?”

“Yeah,” Hideki said. “You stroke it or you have sex with somebody. You can ignore it and wait for it to go away, but it’s faster just to come.”

“It’s so messy.”

“That’s why we’re in the shower,” Hideki said. “Now come on, clean up then we can go and take a nap.”

He did feel unexpectedly sleepy so he nodded and let Hideki scrub him all over with soap, towel him dry and take him back to their dorm room. They lay down on their respective bedrolls and he looked at Hideki.

“How often do erections happen?”

“It depends on a lot of things. It’s different for everyone.”

“I hope it’s not a lot.”

Hideki was watching him with narrowed eyes. “You know, most men enjoy it.”

“Really? Why?”

“Didn’t it feel good?”

“I guess.”

“Well, that’s why.”

Kakashi yawned and closed his eyes. “Do you enjoy it?”

“Yeah, I do. Sometimes it’s inconvenient but you’ll get used to it.”

“Hn.”

“Sex is better,” Hideki said. “At least, it’s supposed to be. I haven’t done it yet.”

Kakashi drifted into a light sleep.

Months later he found out that Hideki had experienced the same thing–learning about his body from the touch of an older man–and that most of the boys who’d joined ANBU younger than sixteen had gone through something similar. It wasn’t until he was much older that he ever questioned whether it was completely appropriate; at the time it was just the way things were. He hadn’t felt forced or afraid or any of the things he later learned were bad things to feel when sex was involved. He hadn’t really liked it but that wasn’t Hideki’s fault. It was his body’s fault for making the erection happen when he didn’t want it to at all. When he eventually witnessed the way some of the other captains handled their young recruits, he was intensely grateful that Hideki had let him do most of it himself.

Years later when he touched Tenzō for the first time, his only intention was to fulfil his role as a captain by helping the boy in an awkward situation. The second time it happened, it was an offer of comfort. He never planned for it to become a regular occurrence and when it did, he convinced himself that it was all for Tenzō’s benefit. It took a long time for him to understand that he was  fulfilling desires of his own as well.

✽✦✽✦✽

Tenzō’s crush on him was never subtle. It might have started as childish admiration, but the older they both grew, the more obvious it became that Tenzō’s feelings were growing, too.

Kakashi first noticed the change when Tenzō stopped showering at the same time as him. Before, they’d finish a training session, strip down in the locker rooms and talk about new techniques or upcoming missions while they washed themselves side by side. In the barracks, that was normal. But one day, when Tenzō was around fourteen, he’d made an excuse after sparring with him–something about wanting to work on his shuriken throwing–and waved him away. After that, he had an excuse every time. Kakashi chose to take his words at face value at first even though Tenzō was a bad liar and his blushes and stammered words made it clear that it was deliberate avoidance. He respected Tenzō and he didn’t want to jeopardise their working relationship.

It was flattering to be wanted but Kakashi knew by then, after a couple of failed attempts at sex, that he didn’t experience attraction the way most people did. There was no reason to confront Tenzō’s feelings for him; better to feign ignorance and spare him the heartache of rejection. He was fairly confident that Tenzō would never dare to make a move, so nothing would have to change between them.

He was also sure that Tenzō would get over the crush quickly. Up close he was so flawed, so unlike the idealistic picture his kōhai had of him that it could only be a matter of time.

It was a conversation with Yugao that first changed his perspective. “Tenzō is growing up nicely, isn’t he?” she said one day as they sat in a tree on guard duty.

“Hmm?” Kakashi glanced at her. “Oh, I suppose so. He’s a good fighter now.”

“He has some muscles on him, that’s for sure.” Yugao nudged him with her elbow. “I hope you’re taking good care of him. If not, I’d be happy to step in.”

Kakashi frowned behind his mask. “What do you mean?”

“You know.” Yugao’s tone was sly. “He’s old enough now, isn’t he?”

“Old enough for what?”

She gave him a long stare which was rendered expressionless by her mask. “Jeez, how dense are you, Hatake? Old enough for sex. Like I said, if you don’t want him I’ll take him on. He has to learn it from someone, right?”

Her implications caused a horrified kind of nausea to rise in his stomach. He remembered the things he’d seen in the locker rooms, kōhai being taken by their captains. There had never been any incidents of outright rape (that he’d heard of) but when inexperienced teenagers were involved, consent was shaky at best. His own consent had been unenthusiastic after all–he hadn’t objected to Hideki touching him and teaching him how to masturbate but he hadn’t really wanted it to happen, either. Tenzō was the right age now for his body to be especially reactive and for other people to notice. Yugao certainly had.

“I didn’t think,” Kakashi murmured and Yugao smacked him lightly on the shoulder.

“You’re a terrible captain sometimes. That poor boy going through it all by himself. Imagine if you’d had to.”

He thought again of Hideki who had guided him when he’d been alone and uncertain, who had let him go at his own pace and had never forced him. It had been a neutral experience and, given his general lack of sexual urges, that was the best he could have hoped to get out of it. The worst, though… He flinched away from the thought and felt another slow wave of nausea. He could already be too late to protect Tenzō from the others; even if he wasn’t, he didn’t know how to reach out to him. Guilt gnawed at him but he resigned himself to inaction. He would keep his eyes open and try to scare off anybody who seemed like a threat; his reputation was fearsome enough that he was confident that staking his own claim to Tenzō, even if imaginary, would be enough to deter all but the most foolish soldiers. It would have to be enough.

The idea of sex with Tenzō remained in the back of his mind. Not that he wanted to do it, but if the alternative was Yugao or Gorou or anybody else...if he had to step in himself to protect his kōhai from a predator like that...well, it wouldn’t be the worst thing he’d ever had to do. He didn’t plan to take direct action but only prepared to react if the worst case scenario presented itself.

Perhaps because his thoughts had dwelt there so often, though, scant weeks later when he found himself holding Tenzō by his wrists and his hair and realised that he was aroused, touching him felt natural. Tenzō’s desire for him was so strong that he could actually smell it thick and heady in the air between them, but it was tinged with shame as well. The mingled scents were vaguely repulsive to Kakashi but his drive to do right by Tenzō overcame his distaste. He didn’t want his kōhai to be ashamed of his body or disgusted by it the way that he had been by his own. He wanted better for him than that. He remembered how he’d felt in the dorm room, uncomfortable and a little afraid that his body had done something that he didn’t want it to, and he remembered how he had felt better afterwards because Hideki had made him feel normal. More than that, he had made him feel safe. Kakashi wanted to be a good captain like Hideki had been.

Tenzō was slow on the uptake, then when he understood he tried to resist and Kakashi almost pulled back, afraid that he had become the very person he’d wanted to protect his kōhai from. Then Tenzō groaned and pushed forward into his hand and he felt reassured that he’d done the right thing. It was over mercifully quickly and afterwards he gave Tenzō a few words about not being embarrassed in front of him and how he’d always be there for him as his captain, and things were okay.

He should have expected that something more would happen between the two of them after that first fumbling time. He supposed that he’d been banking on Tenzō’s shyness keeping him from initiating anything. He was right, but in the end it didn’t matter.

It was a month or so later that a mission went very badly wrong for Team Ro and they lost two teammates, Jenko and Tanaka, to enemy fire. Kakashi managed to get himself and Tenzō to a nearby safe house but they’d been separated from Itachi and Raidou who constituted the remainder of the team, not even knowing if the two of them were alive or dead.

The safe house hadn't been in regular use since the end of the war but all four walls and the roof were still standing and with some quick chakra-disguising seals and paper bombs set up around the perimeter, Kakashi felt that it was secure enough to spend the night. The two of them were miraculously uninjured and could have made it back to Konoha in a couple of hours, but Tenzō was in no condition to travel and certainly not to fight. His eyes were wild and in the guttering light from Kakashi’s fire jutsu his face looked deathly pale.

“We’ll be safe here,” Kakashi said as he finished casting a concealment jutsu that would prevent anybody from being able to see through the windows from the outside.

Tenzō let out a sound like a wounded animal and sent his ANBU mask skittering across the wooden floor. "I don't deserve to wear that mask," he said, drawing his knees up to his chest.

"This was a mission," Kakashi responded, summoning up all of the command he'd ever had as a captain in the hope that if Tenzō wouldn't–couldn't–respond to logic, he'd still respond to authority. "People died. It happens. It's the risk we take and every one of us knows that. They knew."

"They weren't just people," Tenzō hissed, eyes bright with anger and pain. "They were my teammates and I got them killed because I couldn't–" His voice cracked and Kakashi felt an answering tightness in his own throat. He felt so responsible for the boy and the guilt rose fast within him, not only for not being fast-strong-good enough to save everyone, but for allowing Tenzō to care enough to mourn them. Teamwork was good, it was  _ vital _ , but Tenzō didn't yet have enough experience with fine tuning his emotions to be able to switch them on and off at will. Feelings were still big, clumsy things that he experienced whole-heartedly.

He barked Tenzō's name and the boy froze, staring and silent. "This was not your fault. I was there, I saw it all. You followed my orders and you fought with everything you had." He let his tone soften. "If that wasn’t enough to save them, then they couldn't have been saved. Not by you, not by me, not by anybody. We were fighting in a losing battle this time and we took losses. It's part of the job. I'm sorry."

Tenzō calmed at his words–it was more like all of the energy abruptly drained out of him as his limbs went slack and he slumped against the wall with a groan. At least he was quiet and still, and Kakashi hoped that was the end of it. Soon the shock would wear off and the survival training would take over, that was the way it normally went.

It was much later, after darkness had long since fallen over the cabin, that Tenzō started to cry. The quiet sniffles that first alerted Kakashi where he was keeping watch by the window quickly dissolved into choking sobs. He called Tenzō’s name and the boy flinched where he was curled in tightly on himself on his bedroll but otherwise didn’t react. Kakashi crawled over to him and shook his shoulder roughly, but he wouldn’t stop crying. Perhaps he couldn’t.

Kakashi had never been drawn to touch other people and he didn’t particularly like to be touched. He had no experience with comforting others; for the longest time he’d been the youngest in his team and therefore the one who should have needed comforting the most, except that he never had. He’d already been through enough trauma by the time he joined ANBU that the first time he’d watched a team mate bleeding out at his feet he’d felt almost nothing. He’d simply knelt down, sealed the body into a scroll to bring back to Konoha and returned to the mission, efficient and unemotional. The whispers of ‘Cold-Hearted Kakashi’ had started after that.

Tenzō’s despair was alarming to him and his instinct was to move far away from the messiness of it but there was nobody else so he couldn’t let himself. If he was responsible for his kōhai then he was responsible for this too, and it was his job to make it right if he could. He pulled Tenzō into a sitting position and wrapped his arms tightly around him.

“It’s okay. You’re safe.”

“Tanaka,” Tenzō choked out, struggling against Kakashi’s encircling arms. “Jenko. We have to–”

“Look at me.” It was a command that he hoped Tenzō would have no choice but to obey. The boy blinked tears from his eyes and Kakashi shook him again. “You have to stop crying now.”

Tenzō took a shaky, gasping breath and squeezed his eyes closed. Tears leaked out from beneath the lids and he tried to breathe deeply but sobs kept catching in his throat. Kakashi held him tighter, closer, and he didn’t feel as uncomfortable with their physical closeness as he’d expected to.

“Stop, Tenzō,” he tried one more time.

“I–I’m–trying,” Tenzō managed, every word fractured.

Kakashi sighed against his hair. “Come here. Lie down with me.”

Tenzō let Kakashi pull him down onto the bedroll; he cradled Tenzō’s head against his chest and ran his fingers through his hair in what he hoped was a soothing way. He’d never seen another shinobi break down like Tenzō was doing now, his slight frame trembling under his arm, his tears wetting his undershirt. The closest thing he’d ever seen to this much raw emotion in somebody else had been–

Obito.

He willed his thoughts not to return to that day, to his very first mission as captain that had gone so horribly wrong. The past and the memories of the dead (his dead) were always a yawning chasm at his feet but he swallowed down the guilt and kept his balance on the ledge above. There would be plenty of time to wallow in his regrets once he was back in Konoha. He’d buy fresh flowers for Rin’s grave like always and he would talk to Obito at the memorial stone. To think of them now would be selfish when his kōhai needed his full attention.

Kakashi moved his hand down to Tenzō’s back, stroking in wide circles. He was still crying but less violently now, his sobs dampened down to a steady trickle of tears. He clutched at the fabric of Kakashi’s undershirt like a needy child.

“Senpai.”

“Hush, Tenzō,” Kakashi said. “I’ve got you.”

Tenzō sniffed, then tensed in his arms. The two of them had pressed so closely together that Tenzō’s leg was slung over Kakashi’s hip. Against his thigh, he could feel Tenzō’s growing erection.

It was too easy to slide his hand along Tenzō’s side, over his stomach and then lower to brush over the bulge. He wanted to distract him, he wanted to give him something to focus on besides the pain in his heart and he’d already touched him once before. Tenzō flinched away from his fingers and leaned back to look at him with wide, wondering eyes. His expression was torn between want and doubt and he tried to sit up but Kakashi pushed him gently but firmly back down.

“Kakashi?”

“Shh, Tenzō,” he said, propping himself up on one elbow and skating his other hand lightly down the boy’s flank. “It’s okay.” He pushed Tenzō’s shirt up and rubbed his bare stomach and this time Tenzō arched into the touch.

Kakashi masturbated when he had to but he would avoid it if he could. If he couldn’t avoid it, he did it quickly and disinterestedly, only experiencing any real pleasure at the moment of orgasm, which pleasure was fleeting at best and quickly overwhelmed by disgust at worst. Although well aware that he was unusual in this way, he still couldn’t help expecting Tenzō’s reactions to be as minimal as his own. He quickly realised how wrong he’d been.

In the woods it had been fast and he hadn’t been able to see Tenzō’s face but this time he watched with fascination as his expression shifted through a whole spectrum of emotions from surprise to desire to something that looked almost pained when he came. He was vocal, too, whining and biting his lip to keep from being too loud, gasping out Kakashi’s name in the last throes of his orgasm. Even his dick felt harder than Kakashi’s own had ever been and he came harder, too, the mess streaking up his stomach and chest almost to his neck.

Afterwards as Tenzō lay panting on his bedroll, eyes heavy lidded but still fixed on Kakashi's face, Kakashi felt...something. He wasn’t able to put a name to it but it was there all the same, a weight in his chest and a warmth in his stomach. Tenzō gazed at him like he was the sun and the moon and the stars all in one, like he was the only thing that mattered, and it felt good to be looked at that way. It wasn't arousal, but to feel anything at all was unexpected.

He wasn’t able to forget it afterwards. The memory gnawed at him whenever he was around Tenzō, and he was around him terribly often. He lasted just two weeks before he chased after that feeling and pulled Tenzō into his bedroom at the barracks.

It had been an ordinary day with no missions; there was no possible pretence of offering comfort. It was purely Kakashi knowing that Tenzō wanted him and indulging in it. He couldn’t deceive himself otherwise.

It was stupidly easy by then. Tenzō didn’t resist at all and immediately Kakashi reached for his belt he melted against him with a quiet groan of anticipation. Kakashi was the one who hesitated then, his hands stilling against Tenzō’s stomach. The boy looked at him, newly fearful.

“Is this okay, Tenzō?”

Tenzō took Kakashi’s hand and moved it down to the erection already straining against the front of his trousers; he squeezed gently and Tenzō’s breath hitched.

“Please.”

He removed Tenzō’s clothes almost clinically, stripping him completely naked. Tenzō blushed, the redness spreading all the way down to his chest, but he let him do it. His cock was already wet at the tip.

That feeling that had surprised Kakashi the previous time started to bloom in his stomach, growing like an alive thing the longer that he looked down at Tenzō. He guided him to lie on the bed then stripped off his gloves and knelt on the floor beside him. Tenzō watched him with parted lips, his breathing fast. When Kakashi wrapped both hands around his cock he squeezed his eyes shut and groaned.

Kakashi stroked slowly and methodically, completely differently to the way that he touched himself. With Tenzō, he wanted to make it last. The end was the messy part in more ways than one, cum to clean up and conversations to avoid. Tenzō hadn’t asked him about their encounters yet but he might at any time. He might want to know if they meant something, but Kakashi didn’t have an answer for him. Tenzō quickly started to move against the rhythm of his strokes, pumping his hips upwards, and Kakashi moved one hand to his stomach to still him. Tenzō looked at him questioningly.

“Don’t rush,” Kakashi said.

Tenzō swallowed and nodded. His whole body was flushed and Kakashi could feel his stomach muscles tensing under his palm. He licked his lips behind his mask. “Can you relax for me?”

Tenzō let out a shaky breath and nodded; some of the tension went out of his body as he lay back on the bedroll. Kakashi stroked his hip. “Good boy.”

He knew the places on his own dick that always made him come faster when he touched them and he avoided those places on Tenzō and kept his grip loose. Even so, Tenzō was as hard as he’d ever been with him before and with every stroke the slow leak of his precum increased. It wouldn’t, couldn’t last as long as he wanted it to. Tenzō was too young and he wanted him too much.

He relented finally and circled his thumb around the head of Tenzō’s cock, making him gasp. His hips lifted again and this time Kakashi let him fuck up into his fists. He jerked Tenzō off slowly while he watched his expression shift from want to need, his eyebrows drawn down into a frown and his lower lip caught between his teeth. He dragged his hands through the slickness leaking from the slit of Tenzō’s cock and spread it right down to the base, twisting his wrists until Tenzō’s hands were scrabbling at the bedclothes.

“Look at me, Tenzō.” He was talking before he knew what was going to come out of his mouth. “I want to see your eyes when I make you come.”

Tenzō looked at his face desperately. “Senpai,” he managed, his voice rough. “I–”

“Hush,” Kakashi murmured. He touched his forehead briefly to Tenzō’s and the younger man shuddered, his cock jumping in Kakashi’s hand. “I’ve got you, Tenzō.”

Tenzō came hard around a gasp of Kakashi’s name, his back arching up as he squirted over his own stomach. His eyes remained locked with Kakashi’s even as they almost slipped closed from the force of his pleasure. Watching him was dizzying and Kakashi savoured every second of it until Tenzō collapsed back onto the bedroll, panting and sated, then he swallowed hard and sat back on his haunches. Now that it was over he was disgusted by the thick smell of sex in the air and the sweat and cum. His hands felt sticky and unpleasant and the urge to leave and clean up was powerful.

“I’ll be back soon,” he whispered as he slipped out of the room to the bathroom down the hall. He washed his hands thoroughly and avoided looking into the mirror.

When he returned to his room Tenzō was wearing his underwear and sitting up against the wall. He started to get to his feet when Kakashi entered, but he waved him off laconically. 

“Stay, stay. I don’t mind the company.”

As he sat down beside him, Tenzō dropped his head.

“Senpai–”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Kakashi said quickly, looking at the floor. “I’m sorry. If you don’t want to do this–”

“I want to,” Tenzō said with conviction. Kakashi risked a glance at him and although he looked conflicted his eyes burned with the same want they’d shown earlier when Kakashi’s hands had been on him, and that want was driving his decision. “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk. We can just–”

“Okay,” Kakashi rasped, wrapping his arms around his knees.

He laid down fresh sheets and blankets and they slept side by side again, Tenzō’s back against his chest.

In the morning, he woke up alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: underage, dubious consent. Kakashi/OMC in this chapter. Flashback chapter.
> 
> Listen, Kakashi is grey-asexual in this fic. What he's willing to do is very limited. So...there are a lot of handjobs. Like, too many handjobs. I'M SORRY OKAY I TRIED


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings at the end.

Tenzō had spent a lot of years convincing himself that he hadn’t lost his virginity to Kakashi. If anyone had asked him when it had happened he would have said when he was nineteen years old, on the way back from a mission in Wind Country. There were rumours of a civil war brewing there and his team had been sent out to gather intelligence. As it turned out, nothing so sinister had been happening at all. They hadn’t caught wind of any discontent, plans for a coup d’état, or anything in the least bit unusual. They’d observed the Kazekage for two days and shadowed various daimyo for longer but everything had appeared to be business as usual, so instead of a potentially dangerous S-rank mission they’d ended up coasting through what was at best a C-rank.

It was nice to be able to travel home at their leisure, not a scratch or a bruise amongst the entire cell. They used their stipend to book two rooms at an inn right at the border of Fire Country and spent the rest of the money in the nearest tavern. After several rounds of beer and sake, Ryoichi leaned over the table to whisper to Tenzō.

“That woman at the bar. She won’t stop staring at you.”

“At me?” Tenzō immediately turned to look and Ryoichi pinched his arm. “Ouch!”

“Don’t be so obvious, idiot.”

“Sorry,” he said, rubbing his wounded skin. “What woman? Why is she staring?”

Kotone leaned in close to rest her head on his shoulder and twirl a strand of his shoulder-length hair around her fingers. “It’s bound to be the hair,” she sighed. “Don’t ever cut it, okay?”

Tenzō felt his face grow hot. “You mean she might...like me?”

His teammates broke into giggles, scoffing at him.

“You sound like a child.”

“Just go for it, Tenzō.”

“You’ve done it before, right?”

Before he knew it he found himself being pushed towards the bar to buy another round. He stood next to the woman as he waited his turn to order and got his first good look at her. She had bright red hair worn in a bun secured with chopsticks and her halter neck dress showed off her smooth white back. She wasn’t as young as he was but her face was unlined and heart-shaped with wide green eyes framed by dark lashes. If Tenzō had to guess, he’d say she looked around twenty five. She turned slowly on her bar stool to face him.

“What’s a nice boy like you doing in a place like this?”

He laughed nervously. “We’re just in town for the night, on our way home.”

“Where’s home?”

“A day’s walk from here,” he said vaguely, remembering even through the alcohol haze to be at least somewhat discreet. He was wearing his mission blacks, a simple t-shirt and trousers teamed with his usual sandals. Without his happuri his hair tickled against his face.

“I thought I didn’t recognise you,” the woman said. She laid a warm hand on his arm. “I’m very good with faces and yours is new to me. Do you have a name to go with it?”

He just barely stopped himself from blurting out Tenzō. “Masao.”

“I’m Satomi,” she said and squeezed his arm. “Do you want to get out of here?”

In the stairwell of her apartment building, Satomi pushed Tenzō gently back against the wall and kissed him. It was his first real kiss and she realised it, pulling away with surprise.

“You’ve never done this before?”

“Ah, not really.”

He was blushing again. Satomi cupped his face in her hands, smiling.

“Don’t worry. I’ll teach you.”

She kissed him for a long time, first right there at the bottom of the stairs, then in her living room and finally on her bed, guiding him with a hand on his jaw. He tugged at her dress needily and she broke away to laugh.

“Stop, you’ll tear it.”

“Sorry,” Tenzō said and Satomi squeezed his thigh.

“Don’t be. It’s flattering, really.”

She stood up and slipped out of her dress and her underwear, then knelt to remove Tenzō’s sandals. Kneeling naked before him she took him into her mouth and he cried out, the sensation of warmth and wetness almost too much for him to bear. He came embarrassingly quickly but she didn’t seem to mind and spat discreetly into a tissue before settling onto the bed beside him and threading her fingers through his hair.

“I want to see what you can do with your mouth, too.”

He went down on her clumsily, guided by her noises and words of encouragement, until he’d recovered enough from his orgasm for his dick to get hard again. Satomi directed him to lie on top of her; she kissed him again as she rolled a condom onto him and used her hands to guide him to her entrance inside her. She was even warmer and tighter there than her mouth had been and Tenzō groaned and pressed his face against the side of her neck. Satomi stroked his back and his hair and whispered for him to move so he did, rocking his hips back and then forward again, pushing deeper with every stroke.

He went slowly for a long time and all of his senses were overwhelmed by her; the scents of her perfume and her body, the grip of her insides around him and her warm skin flush against his chest. She breathed in little gasps against the shell of his ear and he could still taste her in his mouth and himself in hers when they kissed. She worked a hand between their bodies and touched herself as he fucked her and when she started to come she bit down on his neck and her vagina clenched around his cock. He lasted a minute longer, fucking her through her orgasm as she panted and moaned beneath him, kissing her sloppily when he came for the second time.

Later after they’d made sandwiches and drank a pot of tea together Satomi rode him hard on her sofa until she came twice more, back to back. Tenzō didn’t come that time but he stayed hard and they didn’t sleep all night.

He was still buried inside her as the sun edged above the horizon, his hands sticky on her hips as he took her from behind and she writhed on her hands and knees, pushing back onto his cock. She came–he’d lost count of how many orgasms she’d had by then–and flipped onto her stomach to suck him again. She took him deep into her throat and swallowed around his length and when he came his whole body shook.

Finally they collapsed onto the bed together, exhausted and sated. Satomi touched his face and smiled tiredly. “Thank you,” she said.

Tenzō was dripping with sweat. He felt weak but euphoric and his whole body tingled and ached. It was nothing like he’d ever imagined sex could be. It hadn’t been anything like that with Kakashi.

They slept for a scant couple of hours and Satomi made him breakfast before he left. He took a thorough shower before meeting up with his team to make the journey back to Konoha but Kotone wrinkled her nose anyway when he arrived.

“Yuck. How many times did you do it?” Damn Inuzukas and their inhuman sense of smell.

Ryoichi clapped him on the back. “You’re a man now, Tenzō. How was it?”

Satomi had been vibrant, warm and alive and he realised then that nothing about his nights with Kakashi had been normal because sex should be the way that it had been with her; heady, breathless and wild. He smiled to himself as they set out through the forest. “Good. Great.”

It was good with Kotone, too, and after her, Izumo. Everyone in ANBU was fucking like rabbits and he couldn’t believe that he’d missed it for so long. Now that his eyes were open to it, sex was everywhere in the barracks. Soldiers were fucking each other for stress relief, they were fucking as a coping mechanism or avoidance strategy and they were fucking to celebrate still being alive and intact enough to fuck.

It wasn’t difficult for Tenzō to find more partners. Now that Kakashi was no longer around and Ryoichi had spread the gossip about his night with Satomi, people approached him openly and he took almost all of them up on their offers. He realised with a cruel sense of irony that everybody had thought that his captain had claimed him as his own and therefore had considered him off limits even though in reality Kakashi had never given a name to what they were or declared exclusivity over him. It was just another way that Kakashi had fucked him over, he thought bitterly, and resolved to catch up on everything he’d missed out on.

Kotone wasn’t much more experienced than he was; she giggled during sex which made him laugh as well and their nights together were inelegant but a lot of fun. Genma fucked lazily just like he walked and talked but he was thorough; he once spent an hour just working Tenzō open with his fingers. Yugao was into bondage, Izumo liked to bottom and Anko always brought Ryoichi in to make it a threesome.

By the time Tenzō was twenty one he’d lost count of how many people he’d slept with and he’d lost sight of what he’d been searching for or trying to prove in the first place but it no longer mattered. He’d gained distance and perspective and he was having fun. It was hard to believe that at one time the idea of sex being fun had seemed miraculous. Sex–and he hesitated to even call it that anymore–with Kakashi had felt like a tightrope walk between pleasure and emptiness and he might have called that emptiness loss if he’d ever gotten anything from Kakashi to lose. Looking back it almost disgusted him that he’d wasted so long on something so hollow. Kakashi had rarely ever removed more clothing than his gloves while Tenzō had always been completely exposed to him like an animal pinned down and waiting for dissection. He’d never once seen Kakashi’s full face. He'd been just fifteen the first time, too young and inexperienced to know any better. It had been easy to convince himself that it was love because that was what he’d wanted it to be, but the reality had never been anything close.

Still, even years later when he was intent on fucking his way through half of Konoha, he couldn’t completely recapture the strength of his feelings for Kakashi. The deficiency nagged at him and he found that he couldn’t always ignore his memories of the fierce pleasure his captain had brought him to again and again. If he let himself, he could still hear the deep caress of Kakashi’s voice by his ear and see the glint of his uncovered eye in the dark. There had been an urgency to their encounters even if only on his side, desperation and longing like a blade against his throat sharpening his pleasure into something beyond physical and slicing through the bowstring of his tension when he came. The relief of his orgasms on those nights had been bone deep and once or twice he'd very nearly cried, it had been so overwhelming. After Satomi and Kotone and all of the others it seemed ridiculous that he could have felt all of that just from a handjob, but it was true that he had felt it.

Kakashi’s arms around him in the dark had fooled him into believing that he meant something to him, but, older and more experienced, Tenzō wondered if it hadn’t really been Kakashi’s absence, his reserve and his coolness that had made his own feelings so strong. He'd always idolised his captain and in a strange way letting himself be brought to orgasm by him had been an extension of that. Maybe not all of the dysfunction in their relationship had been on Kakashi’s side.

Tenzō found that he couldn’t entirely make sense of it and he didn’t really want to, so he fucked more and he fucked harder until it stopped being difficult when he ran into Kakashi around the village. After a couple of years it no longer hurt to see him and he thought that he was finally over the whole mess so when he heard that Kakashi was in the hospital, on impulse he dropped by during visiting hours. Kakashi seemed pleased to see him and it felt good and after that first visit, Tenzō thought of them as tentative friends again. He locked away most of his memories and focused on the other less complicated aspects of their long history–his gratitude towards Kakashi for his part in getting him out of Root; the way that they’d always fought so well alongside each other; Kakashi’s breathtaking aptitude as a shinobi.

If it was a little too close to the hero-worship of his teenage years, Tenzō was oblivious to it. If accepting Kakashi back into his life, in however small a way, coincided with him sleeping around progressively less often and finally not at all, he didn’t notice.

✽✦✽✦✽

Tenzō woke up much later than he normally would; his night had been full of restless half-sleep and bad dreams that reminded him why he drank sake so rarely.

He was blearily eating breakfast at his kitchen counter when someone knocked on the front door hard enough to shake it on its hinges. When he opened it he was met with the furious face of the Hokage.

“What the hell is this?” she yelled and threw a scroll hard at his face. It bounced off of his forehead with a ‘thunk’ and he reeled.

“What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Tsunade repeated, barrelling towards him; he backed up fast until his legs hit the futon and he sat down abruptly. “What’s wrong is that I was woken up at two o’ clock in the morning by a ninken dropping _that_ on my pillow.”

Tenzō’s stomach dropped as an awful memory started to come back to him: waking in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, picking up the scroll and then–shit, had he really summoned Pakkun? Years ago he’d signed a contract with Kakashi’s dogs in case of an emergency but he’d never needed to use them. He now remembered the pug’s frown as he’d thrust the scroll at him:

_“It’s urgent, you have to deliver it now.”_

_“You stink like sake, kid. Are you sure about this?”_

_“Yes, now take the scroll and go!”_

The Hokage stood over him with her hands fisted at her sides. He felt faint.

“Hokage-sama,” he said weakly.

“Explain yourself.”

“I was...a little drunk.”

The anger on Tsunade’s face deepened. “Drunk?”

“When I sent it, I mean. Not when I wrote it. I should have thrown it away and I intended to, honestly, but then…” He sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. “It’s all Kakashi’s fault.”

He dared to look at the Hokage; she was still frowning but she didn’t look quite so much as though she wanted to murder him.

“May I sit?”

“Of course, Hokage-sama.”

Tsunade picked up the scroll from the floor then lowered herself to the futon beside Tenzō with a sigh. “I have half a mind to send you down to Ibiki just to teach you a lesson. This is not acceptable, Yamato.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“To write something like this and have the audacity to send it to me personally.” She held up her hands. “Okay, yes, you were drunk, we’ve all made mistakes after one too many. But this? You’re trying to undermine my authority and that will not stand.”

Tenzō bowed deeply, his head almost touching his knees. “It will never happen again.”

“I wish that I could believe you,” Tsunade said, “but this is the second time you’ve pushed back against this assignment. We’ve already had two conversations about it and you shouldn’t have gotten even that much from me. You’ve always followed orders before. You’ve been one of Konoha’s best soldiers for years. Why now? Why this?”

He didn’t straighten from his bow and Tsunade sighed and laid a hand heavily on his back. “I’m going to make us a pot of tea and you’re going to tell me what the hell this is really about, okay?”

She spent five minutes or so pottering around in Tenzō’s kitchen during which time he sat on the futon in a daze. Tsunade returned with two cups of tea that she placed on the low table.

“Okay. Talk to me.”

Tenzō swallowed. “I know I was wrong to send that scroll. Please punish me however you see fit.”

Tsunade folded her arms. “You’re not listening. I want to know what’s bothering you so much. You’re not an asset to me if you’re acting out this way but I won’t fix that by beating it out of you. I’ll ask you again: talk to me.”

It was tempting, very tempting, to blame everything on Kakashi once again, but it wouldn’t have been the truth. He couldn’t bring himself to lie like that to the Hokage’s face. He cradled his cup of tea and stared down into it.

“Have you ever lost anybody precious to you, Hokage-sama?”

“I have.”

“How much did it hurt?”

“It broke me.” Tenzō looked at her and saw that she meant it. She gave him a small smile. “Is that what you’re so afraid of, Yamato? Losing somebody precious?”

“Not just one person. All of them.”

“I see.” Tsunade leaned back on the futon. “Loss is, unfortunately, always a possibility. Believe me, I know.” She smiled slyly. “They don’t call me ‘the legendary sucker’ for nothing.”

“I could handle it in ANBU,” Tenzō said. “The risk was higher, but in some ways that made it easier. We all knew that the next mission could be our last. Going out on missions with children like Naruto, he’s just so young and so...hopeful. If anything were to happen to him–”

“You are there specifically to protect him.”

“From one threat,” he said, “but what about others? The Akatsuki are just one enemy that we know about and Sarutobi Asuma almost died taking on only two of them, so what hope would I have? And it’s not just Naruto. Sakura, Sai, Kakashi...”

Tsunade steepled her fingers in front of her mouth. “Hn. It seems I’ve been so focused on your value as a soldier, I forgot about your needs as a person.”

Tenzō frowned at her. “What do you mean?”

“I think this is a lesson you must learn on your own.” The Hokage smiled at him. “I’m being too easy on you again, I know. I do have a soft spot for you. It’s the Mokuton, it reminds me of my grandfather. He would have been proud of you. You’ve always treated his gift with respect.”

“I’ve always tried to be of service to Konoha,” Tenzō said. Feelings swirled in his chest and he drank his tea quickly to try and drown them.

“The heart of Konoha isn’t in its military strength,” Tsunade said. “It’s in its people, and you are one of them. Don’t hide from that.”

She stood and Tenzō followed, bowing once again. “I apologise again, Hokage-sama, and I am extremely grateful to you.”

“Your assignment is with Team Kakashi,” Tsunade said. “That may not always be the case but it will certainly be so for the foreseeable future. This is not open to negotiation. I trust I won’t need to speak to you again on the subject.”

“No, Hokage-sama.”

She smiled. “Good. And I’ll be burning this scroll.”

After she left Tenzō got back into bed; he wasn’t tired but he was humiliated and wanted nothing more than to hide under the blankets forever. How could he have been so recklessly stupid? He was never drinking sake again.

He forced himself up at lunch time. As he ate, he noticed something fluttering outside his window. It was a piece of paper pinned to the wall with a shuriken.

_I thought we could get lunch today but there’s no time - I have to leave on another mission right away. I’m leading Kurenai’s team, my three will stay with you. I’ll see you as soon as I’m back in the village (but no more sake!) -Kakashi_

✽✦✽✦✽

Tenzō was afraid, but not of any external threat; he was afraid of himself. He was barely holding it together and it was obvious to everyone all the way up to the Hokage. If he kept it up he was one more mission away from being taken off of active duty altogether. He’d known it happen to other shinobi. Not often, but it had.

He should have changed his code name years ago; 'Tenzō' was bound up with every reckless, emotional decision he’d ever made. Fleeing with Yukimi, protecting Kakashi and then defying the order to kill him–even knowing the punishments that Danzō was capable of inflicting, he had done that. All of those rebellions had led to Kakashi welcoming him into ANBU like an old friend and bestowing the new name upon him like a title of honour.

About five years ago Tenzō had worked, briefly, with a shinobi named Hideki, an ANBU captain with a stellar record. Hideki’s specialty had been reconnaissance; he came from a clan that made extensive use of henge to blend into crowds and his chakra control was good enough to suppress all but a faint flicker that was detectable only to the highest level jōnin. Hideki also had several species of bird summons and most of his missions involved listening at a distance or infiltrating enemy groups, putting him squarely on the tactical side of ANBU.

The last mission Hideki ever took on as a jōnin was a routine intelligence gathering assignment with a four-man cell. From what Tenzō heard afterwards, they'd had a run-in with a group of nukenin on the outskirts of a small fishing village. The civilian deaths had numbered in the dozens. After that, Hideki had been quietly removed from ANBU. The whispers were that he had suffered a complete mental breakdown; accounts varied as to the symptoms but constant crying, self-harm and screaming nightmares were rumoured to be chief among them. That Hideki blamed himself for the devastation was irrefutable and whether he had truly gone mad or not, he was deemed unfit to continue in ANBU. First he’d been demoted to a regular jōnin role and Tenzō had even seen him around the village a few times, then he had simply vanished. Tenzō never knew for sure what had happened to him, but there was no funeral so he thought that Hideki must still be alive somewhere. Had he chosen to leave the village, or had he been forced?

Tenzō already had a kill count when he moved from Root to ANBU at age thirteen. Death had never phased him because he’d never been taught to be afraid of it. He’d gone to Danzō as a child with no experience of family or friendship; he’d never even had a home. All that he knew was the lab and watching the other children there dying in front of him. He didn’t need to suppress his emotions at first because there had been none to suppress.

That changed when Kakashi stood over him with every logical reason to kill him but didn’t.

He hadn’t understood Kakashi’s decision to spare his life and he’d been fascinated by it. The idea that a person could have an intrinsic value was a brand new concept to him and even though his value to Kakashi was only as a resource for Konoha it was still value that he had, he alone as an individual in defiance of the collectivism of Root. Kakashi had considered his worth–even just the potential of it–more important than his threat, which was active and real. He had chosen not to kill him even though protocol dictated that he should. Only knowing orders as absolutes, Tenzō labelled the defiant act with the word ‘emotion’, a concept he had no experience of but had been taught existed in opposition to logic.

He’d also been taught that emotions were a weakness but in Kakashi he saw only strength. It was the first thing that seemed to defy the reality that Danzō had described to him and it prickled in the back of his mind.

Once he was aware that one could make a judgement that differed from that of one’s superiors, he hadn’t been able to stop himself. He still followed orders but he wondered about the reasons behind them and sometimes silently disagreed, and once he started to question orders, his feelings inevitably followed through the breach in his programming. Emptying himself of emotion had been another order, after all, and by the time Tenzō tried to pass off a wooden Sharingan as the real thing to Danzō it was obvious he couldn’t stay in Root. When he’d had to choose between his mission and Kakashi he’d chosen what had mattered more in his heart. Really, he’d chosen himself.

When he thought about it now his feelings had ended with Kakashi, too: after he’d left ANBU the missions became the only thing that mattered. Once Tenzō moved out of the barracks he didn’t even try to socialise anymore. Every day without a mission was a careful routine of training and nutrition and keeping his thoughts and hands occupied. His life outside of ANBU was simple, orderly and boring, providing the necessities of survival, which was all that it needed to provide in order for him to fulfil his role as a shinobi of the leaf. His only goals were Konoha’s goals and his ambitions were Konoha’s ambitions. He didn’t need excitement or passion or love to serve his purpose.

Emotions had only ever gotten in the way so if Kakashi had taken them all with him when he left that was a good thing. There was a definite irony in reverting to Danzō’s philosophy after fighting so hard to get free of him, but Tenzō had been a child then and he hadn’t understood the true value of self-control. If he couldn’t control his emotions–and recent events strongly indicated that he couldn’t–then it was better to have none. Avoiding people and situations that might induce them was the safest thing. His feelings had brought him dangerously close to losing control too many times and he couldn’t trust them to keep him safe when they always seemed to do the very opposite. Fear and grief had frozen him to the spot when Tanaka and Jenko died and driven him into Kakashi’s bed in search of solace, then infatuation and desire had taken him back there time after time when he’d known their trysts weren’t doing him any good but he had wanted Kakashi too badly to stay away.

Hideki had cared too much and it had been his undoing. Tenzō couldn’t let that happen to him. And yet...

Naruto cared. Naruto threw his whole heart into caring and it pushed him further than he should have been able to reach. He’d been robbed of his parents, a childhood, friendship, but his losses had only made him more determined to find precious people and cling to them with all of his strength. He wouldn’t be half the shinobi that he was if he didn’t love so fiercely and his determination in the face of desperate odds was awesome to behold. Tenzō could have dismissed it all as naivety, but he didn’t want to believe that Naruto was just a stupid kid who would eventually learn to harden his heart. He didn’t want to think that anything so brilliant could be crushed under the weight of the world.

And it wasn’t only Naruto, was it? Kurenai and Asuma had each other to care about, Gai was brimming with passion and enthusiasm, even Sai had been drawn away from the sterility of his life in Root by the allure of friendship. Chasing after Sasuke had always been foolish, dangerous and profoundly stupid but Team 7 did it anyway because they cared so much. Tenzō had called it caring _too_ much, but that caring gave them life and pushed them forward when the mission alone wasn’t enough.

The first thing he’d cared about in his life had been Kakashi; he’d grown to want him greedily and completely. No one who had been in his bed afterwards had ever reached so deep into his heart, or even touched it at all. He tried to find some value in that, something that would support the idea of feelings giving strength, but he wasn’t sure that he could. Had he fought harder or better when he’d been with Kakashi, _because_ of Kakashi? Or had he only taken more stupid risks?

Overwhelmingly Tenzō felt that he was at a major crossroads in his life; the decision to stay in his comfort zone or to forge onwards into the unknown. It was the flip of a coin, but he couldn’t bring himself to see which side had landed face up. Not yet.

He would wait until circumstances forced his hand. He would wait until he was backed into a corner with no choice but to decide, and then he would decide.

✽✦✽✦✽

The morning after Kakashi left on his next mission, Tenzō called at Sakura’s house. She opened the door dressed but with her hair pulled back into a ponytail like she’d been busy doing something.

“Captain Yamato!”

“Good morning, Sakura. I thought we could have breakfast together. The whole team, I mean. That is, if you’re not busy. If you haven’t eaten already.” 

His mouth ran on its own and he winced; he really wasn’t good at this.

Sakura’s smile was soft and warm. “Okay. I just have to put my shoes on.”

Naruto was training with Jiraiya so it was just the three of them. They found Sai sitting on his roof with his sketchbook; Tenzō was pleased to find that he was living far away from the Root barracks. He quietly accepted their offer of breakfast and they strolled to a café that Sakura said had the best mochi in the whole of Fire Country.

Over the rim of her teacup, Sakura asked Tenzō, “How much can you tell us about yourself?”

He considered. “Officially, nothing. Unofficially, though...I suppose I could tell you everything, if I trusted you.”

“Do you?”

“Why don’t I tell you as much about my past as I feel comfortable with and you can decide for yourself how much I trust you both?”

“That seems unusual,” said Sai. “I don’t think people are supposed to know if you don’t trust them.”

“Sometimes we make up our own rules,” Tenzō said. “You can’t learn everything about socialising from reading books." He added, a little wistfully, "It would be nice if you could.”

“Do you ever find other people confusing, Captain Yamato?” Sai asked. Whether he had picked up on his tone or simply wanted to know, Tenzō couldn't tell. He nodded in response, warming his hands around his tea cup. 

“Some people, sometimes. I find my own feelings confusing, too.”

Sai frowned. “Why?”

Tenzō took a breath and threw caution to the wind. “I started off in Root, the same as you.”

Both chūnin stared at him in shocked silence. He rubbed the back of his neck and cleared his throat. Finally, Sakura smiled.

“No wonder I’d never met you before.”

“Well, it’s been a long time,” Tenzō said. “I’m in ANBU now.”

Sai’s eyes were wide and grave. “You’re definitely not supposed to talk about that.”

“I know,” he said with a shrug. “Like I said, this is unofficial. Off the record.”

“Kakashi-sensei was in ANBU too, wasn’t he?” Sakura asked. “He has the tattoo.”

“You know about the tattoos?”

“Yeah. It’s pretty dumb of them to do that if they really want membership to be a secret, don’t you think?”

“I was told that it came from Danzō,” Tenzō said. “He likes to leave his mark on people.”

"Who’s Danzō?”

“He’s the commander of Root,” Sai said.

“Oh.”

The conversation lapsed as they all ate and finished the tea. Tenzō ordered another pot. After it had arrived at their table, Sai was the first to speak.

“Is ANBU like Root?”

“It is and it isn’t,” Tenzō said. “The missions are similar. The level of secrecy is similar.”

Sakura was looking at Sai. “They don’t force you to discard your emotions though, do they?” she asked. 

“No, they don’t.”

“You left Root," Sai addressed Tenzō. "How?”

He chose his words carefully; he wasn’t the only one at a crossroads, after all. “Danzō has very specific requirements for how his soldiers should behave. If he doesn’t think that you fit his criteria, he won’t want you to stay.”

Sai looked away, some emotion struggling to express itself on his face. 

“I could really stop doing his missions? Just like that?”

“If you want to leave, I’ll help you,” Tenzō offered.

“I’m not sure yet,” Sai said.

He hummed in understanding. “Sometimes it’s easier having no attachments. It doesn’t hurt so much when things go wrong.”

Sai nodded sagely. “There are bad feelings as well as good.”

“But having precious people gives you something to fight for,” Sakura said.

“That’s true,” Tenzō conceded, “but if you do everything for the sake of somebody else–”

“I know,” Sakura said, wrapping her arms around herself. “It’s not healthy.”

Tenzō knew that he should step up and be the adult that his team needed him to be, inspirational and full of blind optimism. Gai would be. Asuma would be. He should tell Sakura that she was right to care about Sasuke beyond sense or reason, he should tell Sai that all feelings were better than being empty and that even pain could make him strong, but he didn’t believe any of it enough to say it.

“Why do you do it?” he asked instead, looking from one to the other. “Why do you form such deep bonds with each other? How can you stand it?”

He regretted it when Sai’s face turned stricken, but then Sakura reached across the table and touched his arm lightly. Her other hand found Sai’s who looked at her with something raw and hopeful in his eyes.

“I don’t have a choice,” Sakura said. “I can’t stop it. It’s my instinct to love Sasuke so much, or anyone else.”

Tenzō couldn’t hold the words back. “Don’t you ever wish you could stop?”

Sakura's eyes met his, bright and fierce. “No, never. Loving each other is all we really have. It’s why we live. It’s how we survive.”

“I think,” said Sai, taking time to choose his words, “that I have experienced more of life on one mission with this team than in all of my time before.”

“Captain, are you okay?” Sakura asked, squeezing Tenzō's arm. “Is there something you need to talk about?”

He jumped back to his senses. “I’m sorry, Sakura. Sai. Maybe this breakfast was a bad idea. Apparently I’m still not very good at socialising.”

“Don’t be silly,” Sakura said, “this was great. I wanted to get to know you and now I do, at least a little bit.”

“Hearing other perspectives is always helpful,” Sai agreed gravely.

“Yes,” Tenzō said, starting to smile, “that’s true, isn’t it?”

As they left the café Sakura took his arm companionably. “We could do this again tomorrow.”

“That would be nice.”

“Maybe it should be a team ritual: whoever is in Konoha has to meet for breakfast every day.”

“Only if Naruto pays for his own food,” Tenzō said and she snorted.

“Definitely.”

He glanced down and caught her soft smile. “There’s something very special about Naruto, isn’t there?”

“There is,” Sakura agreed. “It took me a long time to see it. Sometimes I feel bad about how I treated him before.”

“It was everyone in the village, not just you.”

She pulled a face. “Even after we were assigned to the same team, I mean. All I thought was ‘he’s so annoying, why won’t he leave so it can just be me and Sasuke?’”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, you were still a child. Besides, Naruto has grown up a lot since then as well.”

“He really was annoying,” Sakura said over a half-laugh, “but...he held the team together. At least, he always tried to.”

“All of us are quick to judge people based on how they act,” Tenzō said. “It can take time to appreciate what’s underneath those actions. You might have overlooked Naruto for a while, but you can’t change that now. You can only try to do better next time.” He remembered telling Kakashi that he wished they’d never met and refusing to let him explain, then Kakashi leaving him a note the next day anyway. _Good advice_ , he thought wryly. _Maybe I should take it_.

They got to Sai’s apartment and Sakura grabbed Tenzō’s hand. “Let’s train together today, all three of us. Yamato, I bet you can teach us some awesome ninjutsu.”

✽✦✽✦✽

Tenzō had only ever been a shinobi in ANBU, where free time was spent in sparring sessions, studying Bingo Books of nukenin, or trading mission stories over beers. Everything was work-related: they used code names all of the time and every off-duty shinobi in the barracks was either getting over their previous mission or preparing for the next one, never knowing when they would be called upon. The mentality was hard to shake and even in his apartment, far away from his teammates, he never truly relaxed. Whether the white mask was covering his face or hanging on the back of his bedroom door, he was a soldier before anything else.

Village jōnin were also, technically, always on stand-by, but the lifestyle was much more informal. Effectively functioning as back-up behind ANBU, only an emergency at the level of a declaration of war would pull them away from their routine without warning. Village jōnin could pick and choose their missions and direct assignments from the Hokage were rare, meaning that they made their own work schedules. It seemed an almost decadent lifestyle to Tenzō, close to civilian, and he hadn’t yet figured out who he was supposed to be if not a soldier. In ANBU he lived in constant anticipation; without a need for it the coiled tension that lived inside him could only express itself as restlessness and discomfort.

He was walking back from his clearing in the woods when Gai called out to him from a nearby patio. Kurenai and Asuma were sitting with him. Tenzō waved and walked over to them.

“Join us for lunch?” Gai asked and he accepted.

They passed a companionable meal together. Gai and Asuma's chatter about their students culminated in a playful argument about who would make jōnin rank first. Gai was insistent that hard work would always defeat natural talent.

“That boy of yours is lazy and frankly, Asuma, you indulge him.”

“As if Lee isn’t your most prized pet.”

“I don’t play favourites,” said Gai sanctimoniously.

“Oh really? Then why the jump suit?”

“He wanted one! How could I refuse?”

“The truth is we all have favourites,” Asuma said as he lit a cigarette. “Kurenai is crazy about Hinata.”

Kurenai didn’t try to deny it. “The boys have always been fine without my help. Hinata needed a lot of encouragement.”

“How are you finding the life of a sensei, Yamato?” Gai asked.

Tenzō hesitated. “Ah, I wouldn’t call myself that. They’re still Kakashi’s team.”

“Sakura has a lot of potential,” mused Kurenai. “She’s learned so much from Tsunade-sama in the last few years. How are you getting along with her?”

“Sakura is great,” Tenzō said. “She’s very sharp. Might even give your Shikamaru a run for his money, Asuma.”

Asuma grinned. “She’d never beat him at shogi.”

“And the others?” Gai prodded. “Ah, to have three vibrant youths under your command! It must be thrilling!”

“It’s...scary, actually,” he said. “It’s not what I’m used to at all.”

“Facing new challenges is the very essence of life!” Gai exclaimed. “Consider yourself most fortunate!”

“Kakashi was the same when he first left ANBU,” Kurenai said, her warm brown eyes resting on Tenzō. “It took some time for him to stop being a soldier. I imagine it’s not easy.”

“I haven’t officially left yet,” he said. “I don’t know if I’m ready to make that jump. Do you think Kakashi is happier since he left?”

The question was more about himself and his options than it was about Kakashi, but the look that Asuma and Kurenai exchanged gave him pause.

“He’s hard to read,” Asuma said, tapping ash onto the ground.

“But you’re his friends, aren’t you? He must have talked about it.”

“My rival is a man of few words,” Gai said.

Tenzō could feel tension in the air but he didn’t understand why. “He’s the only person I know who’s gone from ANBU to village jōnin," he clarified. "I just want to know if it’s the right thing to do.”

“You can only make that choice for yourself,” Asuma said. “It doesn’t matter if it was right for Kakashi.”

“Besides,” Gai said, stroking his chin, “the best way to find out if Kakashi feels that he made the right choice is to ask him directly.”

“Ah,” Tenzō said, colouring slightly. “I suppose I should. I value his opinion, of course. I’m just not sure how...objective it would be.”

“Can I tell you something, Yamato?” Kurenai said gently. She reached across the table and took his hand. “I’ve never seen Kakashi happier than when he’s with you.”

It felt like he’d been punched in the chest. He stared at Kurenai and she squeezed his fingers, continuing. “I don’t know what’s happened between the two of you and it’s none of my business either, but if you want to know if Kakashi is happier since he left ANBU, that’s all I can tell you.”

Tenzō struggled for several seconds to find any words at all, finally managing a weak “But...he left.”

Gai cleared his throat. “I may have had a hand in that. I was worried about him. I petitioned the Hokage to release him from his duties.”

Tenzō shook his head. “No, Gai, I know you did. If he’d really wanted to stay, he would have stayed.” _With me_.

“It’s like Gai said: he doesn’t talk.” Asuma drew on his cigarette. “We can’t tell you why he left, but Kurenai's telling the truth. Do you remember the time we ran into the two of you at the festival?”

“Yes, I remember. We were both pretty drunk that night.”

“Kakashi cares about you,” Asuma said firmly. “Drunk or not, he does. I’ve never seen him that way around anyone else.”

“This isn’t what I asked,” Tenzō said quietly. “It’s not what I wanted to know.”

“I think this is exactly what you wanted to know,” Kurenai said. She was still holding his hand. “It’s definitely what you needed to hear.”

He ran a hand nervously over his hair. “We haven’t been that close in years. Whether he’s happy now or not has nothing to do with me.”

“You always visit Kakashi in the hospital, don’t you?” Gai asked Tenzō and he nodded. “I do as well, sometimes right after you’ve left. He has a certain smile that creates an adorable little dimple right at the corner of his eye. He doesn’t smile that way very often, you know.”

“There’s something between the two of you,” Asuma said, “and it’s very obvious.”

Gai put his arm around Tenzō. “Life, my friend, is far too short. You never know what is waiting for you around the next corner. You must seize every opportunity, lest it never present itself again.”

“There’s no opportunity to seize,” he said. “He hasn’t...offered me anything. I’ve tried. He pushed me away.”

Asuma and Kurenai exchanged a look.

“Maybe he’s afraid as well,” Kurenai said.

“I’m not afraid,” Tenzō said quickly and she smiled.

“You're allowed to be. Change can be overwhelming, and you could be facing a lot of it. It's natural to want life to stay the same, especially if it has done for years. There isn't any guarantee that things will end up better after they change, but taking that risk is the only way we can grow.”

“There is no standing still on the great walk of life,” Gai said sombrely. “We must press forward, not backwards. Don’t allow your past to dictate your future, my friend. That is no way to live.”

“What are you all trying to say?”

“Whether to leave ANBU or not is your decision,” Kurenai said. “You’ve been there for a long time and you might never feel ready to let it go, but sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. I believe that, in your heart, you know which path you want to take, and you shouldn’t let fear hold you back.”

“In love as well as life,” Gai added and Tenzō blushed crimson.

Asuma looked at him through a haze of cigarette smoke. “Seriously, Tenzō, you’ve given that organisation, what, eight, ten years of your life? Maybe it’s time to try something new.”

“It’s not that easy,” he said. “I have routines, habits. It’s a whole way of living, not just a job.”

“Is it a good way of living, though?” Kurenai asked gently.

“We’re not trying to force your decision,” Asuma said, “but we’ve seen from the outside what ANBU does to people. There’s a reason we all wanted Kakashi out of there. You might have been the only reason he isn’t much more damaged now.” Tenzō opened his mouth to protest but Asuma held up a hand. “I’m just saying that if you do leave, you don’t have to go through it alone.”

“You have our full support,” said Gai, his eyes shining with the threat of tears, “as well as your youthful team! Young Sakura, Naruto and Sai, so wise beyond their years, so passionate!”

He took their words in as he sat at the table beneath Gai’s arm with Kurenai stroking his hand. As shaken as he was by the conversation they'd had, the physical contact was a comfort and a reassurance that however bad he felt now, however mixed up and unsure, he would be okay in the end. He wondered if this was what Sakura had meant by precious people. He knew that, if he had to, he would defend the three shinobi around him to the very ends of his strength and with his life.

“For God’s sake, though, please talk to Kakashi,” Asuma said and Gai jostled him, hugging him tighter.

“He is a worthy adversary in all things, Yamato, but he is kind as well. Don’t be afraid to share what’s in your heart.”

He took a deep breath and tried to smile. “I’ll think about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tenzo/OFC. Explicit content.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings at the end.
> 
> Partially inspired by this moment in Shippuden, during the Guren/Yukimaru arc: https://imgur.com/1tcTfFr

Tenzō wasn’t very surprised when Tsunade assigned him, along with Sai and Sakura, to join Team Kurenai on their mission. He was even less surprised that Naruto managed to talk his way into joining them, too.

In Root the order would have been unquestionable. In ANBU it would be just another day. In this life, Tenzō was not absolutely sure that he could have found the strength to go alone. As he met his adopted team by the main gates, though, Sakura slipped her hand into his, Sai was a quiet presence at his back and Naruto’s grin threatened to split his face in two so he steeled himself, dragged up a smile and they started on the road out of Konoha together.

As they travelled he felt the mantle of soldier settle over him more and more securely and the tactical side of his brain started to take over. He considered each member of the team’s strengths and weaknesses and started to formulate strategy. Sakura was a formidable taijutsu user with quick reflexes and tight chakra control but lacked any mid- or long-range attacks; she would be most useful as a medic unless it became absolutely necessary for her to fight. He and Sai could both carry out long-range surveillance although his wood clones came at a heavy cost to his chakra reserves; if surveillance was needed, he would prioritise Sai for the task. He and Naruto both had strong mid-range ninjutsu; they could work in tandem with his Mokuton providing the defence to Naruto’s Rasengan attacks. Naruto’s Kage Bunshin could also increase the team’s power significantly but their real value would be in providing an additional line of defence.

They arrived at Kakashi’s last known location and Tenzō scanned the area for any of his former captain’s usual markers but found none. Anxiety curled unpleasantly in his stomach but it wasn’t strong enough to break through his calm as he analysed, assessed and strategised. It felt so familiar that he could almost forget about the stakes, so familiar that for a moment he actually felt comfortable. The feeling, though, was maddeningly short-lived.

As hard as he tried, he couldn’t forget about the inexperience of his team because Naruto constantly reminded him. Whether chattering incessantly as they moved or disappearing to urinate at inopportune times, he seemed to constantly and deliberately announce to the whole world that he was nothing like a professional shinobi. He broadcast, through his brashness and complete lack of discretion, how very unqualified he was for this mission, or really, any mission above a C-rank. Nothing had changed since Teuchi Bridge and the sense of security that Tenzō should have gained from working in a four man cell twisted into tension because Naruto was, ultimately, unpredictable. He was a wild card and it wasn’t even a question of whether Tenzō had the strength of command as his captain to control him; he knew that he didn’t. If Naruto chose to act on his own, he would. Mokuton was Tenzō’s only halfway decent chance of restraining him and he could only hope that he wouldn’t have to use it. 

They finally reached Kakashi’s chakra signature to find a crystal dome keeping them away, which Tenzō found as hysterical as he did alarming–the symbolism of a physical barrier between them was simply too apt for him to ignore. His frustration and worry soon grew behind his façade of composure though as it became clear that he lacked a jutsu that could break through the crystal. Konoha’s research team hadn’t yet found any way to penetrate it and the walls were sunk deep into the ground so tunneling wasn’t an option. Finally it was Naruto’s unpredictability that forced a way through, flipping everything that Tenzō thought he understood about being a shinobi upside down again.

The tenets that guided Naruto’s actions were so foreign to him that they were almost sickening–that friendship bonds were a source of strength; that one could triumph through sheer perseverance, belief and dumb luck; that no mission or person was ever beyond redemption. He couldn’t deny their truth, though, when he kept seeing them validated right in front of him.

What shocked him the most, though, was that Kakashi took it all in his stride. In ANBU he had always been known as a stickler for the rules, but while Tenzō was shaken to his very core by Naruto’s exuberant anarchy, Kakashi appeared utterly unfazed. Then again, he thought, Kakashi had always been untouchable. If he was a branch that could bend and sway in the breeze, Kakashi was the lightning bolt that could split the tree clean in two.

He remembered Kakashi’s head on his shoulder in the circle of his totems, his hesitance outside his apartment building, and Kurenai’s assertion that he could be equally afraid. 'It can take time to appreciate what's underneath a person's actions', that's what he'd told Sakura. How many assumptions had he made–was he still making–about Kakashi?

Tenzō acknowledged that he would have to revise his assessment of Kakashi, too. Eventually, or, terrifyingly, much sooner.

In the here and now, surrendering his tenuous captainship to Kakashi’s command was a relief so great he could have drowned in it.

✽✦✽✦✽

They all got away from Guren unscathed but Tenzō was shaken up. He was trying so hard to fall back on familiar patterns and muscle memory but every time he got close to autopilot somebody would make an unexpected move and throw him completely off balance again. And it wasn’t the enemy doing this, it was his own  _ team _ .

At sunset he created a simple wooden shelter for all of them, somewhere to sleep and provide at least a modicum of protection in case of attack. He passed out food pills to his team–Kakashi’s team–and saw that Hinata, not Kakashi, was performing that duty on behalf of the others. As an ANBU captain Kakashi had always taken full responsibility for the welfare of his subordinates, up to and including carrying all provisions, but he looked unconcerned, happy to let Hinata handle the responsibility as he lounged against the wall with his sandals off and his sleeves rolled up, chatting to Kiba and Naruto. Tenzō hadn’t felt half as relaxed as Kakashi looked since he’d been assigned as a temporary captain. He might not have been so relaxed ever in his life. It was like everything that he observed was a check mark in one of two columns: ways that Kakashi had changed or ways that he hadn’t.

Tenzō volunteered to take the first watch, along with Sai. They sat together in a tall tree, facing outwards with the thick trunk between them and at their backs. The night was quiet and still. It seemed apparent that Guren (and whoever she was working with) didn’t view them as enough of a threat to try and take them out under cover of darkness, but complacency never paid. Sai had brought his sketchbook up into the tree while Tenzō amused himself by using Mokuton to create tiny offshoots all along the branch and twist them into a thin carpet of vines around his boots.

“Captain?” Sai’s voice carried softly over to him.

“Yes, Sai?”

“I’ve wanted to ask you something, but I’m not sure if it’s socially appropriate.”

“Go ahead,” he said. “I won’t hold it against you.”

“Okay. I would like to know if you like me.”

Tenzō smiled. “Yes, Sai, I do like you.” On a whim he added, “Do you like me?”

“You are a fine captain,” Sai said. “I also enjoyed our breakfasts together very much.”

“I’m glad.” Impulsively he sent one of his vines around the trunk of the tree and grinned when he heard Sai’s startled laugh. “How are you adjusting to life away from Root?”

“I believe I am adjusting quite well. At least, I feel happy. I’m not sure if I have been accepted yet.”

An inked mouse scurried around the tree and over Tenzō’s outstretched legs and he smiled. “It will happen, in time. You’re a new face and shinobi are taught to always be on their guard. Once they realise that you’re an ally, they’ll embrace you.”

“Oh!” Sai exclaimed. “I’m not sure I would like to be embraced by every shinobi.”

Tenzō chuckled. “It’s only an expression, Sai. I mean to say, you will be welcomed.”

“Is that how it was for you, captain?”

“Ah, sort of. I didn’t go straight from Root into Konoha society, though.”

“I recall now that you said Root and ANBU are similar,” Sai said, thoughtfully. “Then, I suppose that you and I are going through a similar transition right now.”

“I think we are,” Tenzō agreed. “I imagine you’ll find it easier since you’re younger. For me, it feels like a very big change.”

He realised Sai had crept around the tree to sit on a branch closer to him; he was a monochrome blur now in his peripheral vision. 

“You were permitted to experience emotions before now, though. You have experienced friendship.”

“To tell you the truth, I haven’t had all that much experience.”

“Isn’t Kakashi your friend?”

“Yes.” He hesitated. “Our friendship is...not exactly normal, though.”

“In what way?”

Tenzō rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s hard to explain. In any case, having you and Sakura and Naruto in my life is something very new for me. I had no experience with  _ that _ .”

“I believe you are doing an admirable job,” Sai said. Tenzō looked at him and he smiled; the expression still looked wooden but was becoming more natural by the day. 

He hesitated again, very aware that Sai was still a relative child experiencing more than enough turmoil of his own without taking on his captain’s burdens, but he sensed that perhaps Sai would understand in a way that nobody else could.

“I’m finding the transition more difficult than I expected to,” he said. “In ANBU the mission always came first for me, above everything else. Seeing shinobi protect their teammates at the expense of mission success isn’t easy for me. I’m uncomfortable with experiencing emotions while I’m fighting. It feels like a compromise and a weakness.”

In Snow Country when he’d seen a hail of shuriken hurtling towards Kakashi, the mission had been the very last thing on his mind. He had acted on his instincts and he’d always looked back on it as a mistake. It had been the trigger that changed everything for the worse and he had determined never to let it happen again. He had deliberately closed himself off.

It had been five years since that mission. He’d convinced himself that he’d always kept his feelings out of his work but it wasn’t the truth.

Sai’s face was calm but he met Tenzō’s eyes with determination. “If individual feelings are a weakness, by combining them they become a strength. If we fight back to back then we protect each other.”

“It makes me feel exposed,” Tenzō said quietly. Sai’s little ink mouse ran over his thigh and stopped on his knee, nose raised and whiskers twitching. “If I try to save everyone, I won’t be able to defend myself.”

He imagined himself standing with arms outstretched as the sharp points of weapon buried themselves in his flesh. He imagined Kakashi shaking his head with disappointment and leaving him to bleed out alone.

Sai held out his hand, touching Tenzō’s carpet of vines gently. The ink mouse ran up his arm. “When I was in Root, I didn’t much care whether each mission was successful," he said. "I fought and killed because I had been trained to do so and I was efficient at both but passionate about neither.”

“Is passion necessary in combat?” Tenzō asked.

“Perhaps not necessary, but I believe it is a strength. When you are fighting for something personal the outcome matters to you. When the outcome matters, you reach deeper and push further to succeed. You can find more strength inside yourself than you knew you possessed. The bonds that I have formed with Sakura, with Naruto, and with you, captain, are my inspiration. For the three of you I would carry on fighting past the point where it would be most logical to retreat. That, for me, is the strength of those bonds and the purpose of emotions for a shinobi.”

Tenzō stared at Sai in surprise. “Did you read that in a book?”

Sai blinked. “No. It just...came from my heart.”

“It was very profound. You should write it down.”

“Do you think so?” Sai considered. “Perhaps I could begin a new book. I could draw my new team. I would enjoy that.”

“One more question, if you don’t mind,” Tenzō said. He felt faintly ridiculous turning to a teenager even more institutionalised than himself for advice but Sai was adjusting better than he was and he needed to know  _ how _ . “How do you control the fear?”

“Fear?”

“The fear of losing somebody precious. When you care so much about somebody that you fight alongside, how do you stop yourself from being terrified that they’ll get hurt?”

“You don’t,” Sai said. “I am always afraid that somebody will get hurt or killed. But I don’t let it stop me from caring about others. It is part of what drives me to try my hardest in battles, too.”

“Right.” He looked down at the shelter where the others slept. “Use the fear rather than letting it control you.”

It seemed much easier said than done.

When their watch ended, Kakashi was already outside the shelter waiting to take over. A small fire flickered at his feet and he was reading by the light of it. As Sai ducked inside, Tenzō scuffed his feet until Kakashi looked up at him.

“Do you mind if I sit out here for a while?”

“You should get some sleep.”

“I will. Just, not quite yet.”

Kakashi held his gaze for a few seconds longer before turning back to his book with a laconic shrug. “Maa, do as you wish.”

Tenzō made himself a little bench, partly because he really didn’t enjoy sitting on the ground, partly just to spite Kakashi who was propped up on one elbow in the dirt and looked uncomfortable despite his best efforts to appear otherwise. Kakashi glanced at him over the top of his book.

“That’s a waste of chakra.”

“You’re a waste of existence,” he retorted and saw the glimmer of a smile in Kakashi’s eye.

“Excellent point.”

Tenzō was used to falling into companionable silences with Kakashi, but this one felt anything but comfortable. There was too much unspoken in the air between them and he wondered why he had bothered to sit with him; he didn’t see what good could come out of it. But it seemed he was still drawn towards Kakashi as if by magnetic force, even after all of this time and in spite of all of his resentment.

“You’ve changed,” he blurted out and Kakashi’s eyebrows twitched minutely upwards.

“Do you think so?”

“You offered your life in exchange for Hinata’s. The Kakashi I knew would never have done something so–”

“Selfless?”

Tenzō stared at him humourlessly. “I was going to say ‘moronic’. How on earth could you have thought that was a good idea?”

He could tell that Kakashi’s guard was up; it was clear from his affected slouch and cool expression. “You wouldn’t have done the same?”

“Maybe I would have, but if I were  _ you _ ? Never. Hinata’s a fine shinobi, but you’re worth a dozen of her. Probably closer to a hundred.”

Kakashi took a kunai from his weapons pouch and began to clean under his fingernails. “I don’t believe Hinata’s only value is as a weapon.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“But it is what you said.”

“I’m not here to fight with you, Kakashi,” Tenzō said, suddenly tired.

Kakashi continued to toy with his kunai. “I know that.”

It was infuriating how quickly they’d hit a stalemate like they always seemed to. He remembered everything that Asuma, Kurenai and Gai had said to him the day before and spoke before he could think himself out of it.

“Are you happy?”

Kakashi looked at him. “Right now?”

“Since you left ANBU.”

“Ah.” Kakashi rose to his feet and gestured at the bench. “May I join you?”

Tenzō shrugged and shifted over to make room. It wasn’t a particularly big bench; when Kakashi sat down their thighs pressed together. Tenzō swivelled away and fixed his attention to the fire burning by his feet.

“Did I ever tell you why I was put into ANBU in the first place?” Kakashi asked.

“Because your whole team was dead.”

“It was more than that. I was totally alone and I couldn’t see a reason to keep living. Being a soldier gave me a purpose. If I hadn’t had that...I can’t say that I’d still be here.”

It was more than Kakashi had ever told him before and that was frightening even as he held his breath, waiting for more.

“ANBU filled a void in my life, but it didn’t fill the void in me,” Kakashi continued. “I was still a killer. I was still cold and empty inside.”

“You weren’t always. Not with me.”

“No,” Kakashi said. Tenzō glanced over his shoulder and caught the smile in his eye. “You were the first good thing that had happened to me in years, Tenzō. You changed my life.”

He was getting used to the feeling of all of the air being punched out of him. “Don’t joke about something like that.”

“I’m not joking. I’m trying to tell you how much you mean to me.”

Tenzō turned on the bench; his leg fell against Kakashi’s and he let it rest there. The desire to be close to him was still so strong even when his thoughts and his feelings were in knots. “I’ve never understood what I am to you, if I’m anything," he said. “I don’t know what you want from me, even now. You never say anything outright.”

“It’s not that easy,” Kakashi said. “If I had the right words, I’d use them.”

“You've had every opportunity to talk to me, to explain all of it, but you haven't. What am I supposed to think, Kakashi?”

“I did everything wrong from the start," Kakashi said. “Believe me, I know that now. I’m sorry for how I treated you back then, but I can’t undo it.”

“You were all I had, you know," Tenzō said. "After you saved me from Root, you were my only real friend. I idolised you, and then when we started…” He swallowed past the tightness in his throat. “You were everything to me, Kakashi, and then you were gone.”

“That’s part of why I had to leave," Kakashi said. "I couldn’t fix it then, but...I’d like to try now.” He touched Tenzō’s arm gently but he still flinched away. Kakashi curled his fingers around his wrist in spite of it. “You’re right,” he said, “I have changed. I think I’m a better person now than I was then.”

“It’s always felt like you’re pulling me closer with one hand and pushing me away with the other.”

“I was only ever trying to protect you,” Kakashi said and Tenzo gave him a sideways look.

“Protect me from what?”

Kakashi shrugged, looking down at his hands. “From me. I did a terrible job, though. You got closer to me than anyone else.”

“I don’t believe you,” Tenzō said. “I can’t believe you when there’s still so much I don’t know about you. Even now, you’re keeping me at a distance.”

"I've been trying," Kakashi said quietly. "I'm not the only one putting up walls." 

“Can you blame me?” Tenzō said. “I’ve been protecting myself from you, too. I didn’t know how to function without you when you left ANBU. Now, I don’t know how to be normal around you.”

“For what it’s worth, I think ANBU was a dead end for both of us,” Kakashi said. “If you want a future, you have to get out.”

“If you're trying to convince me to leave ANBU, you need to give me something concrete. I can’t deal with any more uncertainty.”

“It isn’t my place to convince you,” Kakashi said.

“Then what's been the point of any of this?”

Kakashi looked at him helplessly. “I just wanted you in my life again.”

Tenzō stood up. “I never had to be out of your life. You did that. You’re the one who left.”

“I’m here now,” Kakashi said, his eye flashing in the light of the fire. “I’m right here, Tenzō.”

“No,” Tenzō said. “I don’t think we’ve ever been in the same place at the same time."

Inside the shelter he hastily formed a wooden platform just below the roof and threw his bedroll up onto it, ignoring the curious look Sakura gave him. It took until the darkness of the night was total and he could hear Naruto snoring heartily below him for Tenzō to realise that Kakashi had been truly honest in a way he’d rarely known him to be. More than that, he had been vulnerable, and that meant something. It meant multitudes. He’d wanted Kakashi to open up to him and, as far as he seemed to be capable of, he had done that. It should have been something to celebrate but all that he felt was sick and afraid. Kakashi had always been stronger than him, faster, better, tougher. Whatever else had been confusing and undefined between them, he had always known that Kakashi was his superior, his senpai. Outside of a hospital room, he didn’t want to see him weak.

Sai didn’t believe that emotions were a weakness at all. Tenzō wanted to believe that they could be a strength, he honestly did, but in Kakashi of all people...

Kakashi was always the influence that made him doubt himself, question his own principles and act against reason. It was like he’d told him at the hospital: any time he’d ever felt unbalanced he could trace the feeling back to Kakashi. He might not know what Kakashi wanted but he had no idea what he wanted, either, and that was something he could only figure out on his own. It might take months. It might take years.

It was a long time before Tenzō fell asleep and by the time that he did his resolve had hardened. His relationship with Kakashi would be strictly professional from now on. He wouldn’t see him or speak to him any more than he absolutely had to.

✽✦✽✦✽

The last year that Kakashi and Tenzō went together to the Tanabata festival, they had come off of a gruelling mission just two days before. Team Ro had spent almost two weeks slogging through Snow Country in search of a group of Konoha nukenin. They had eventually caught them and the ensuing battle had been exhausting and messy, kill or be killed. Thankfully they had suffered no losses but every one of them had left with an injury serious enough to need hospital treatment–which Kakashi had steadfastly refused until he had passed out by the village gates and they had simply carried him there. Tenzō had expected that they’d skip the festival but Kakashi appeared at the window of his dorm room like always.

“You didn’t forget, did you?”

Tenzō raised an eyebrow. “Are you serious?”

“Come on, if we leave now we can be at the inn before lunchtime.”

“I don’t have a yukata,” he said, already rising to make his bed.

Kakashi smiled, although the dark circles beneath his eyes made the expression look strained. “I hired a spare. Promise it’ll fit this time.”

Two rows of black stitches marked Tenzō’s neck and he knew that Kakashi’s ribs were still bandaged beneath his shirt but together they headed off towards the village.

They walked in almost silence but it felt different from years past, charged with a new tension. Tenzō didn’t understand what had changed between them to cause it. When it came to Kakashi he still spent a lot of time in a state of uncertainty.

At the border, Kakashi stopped him. “You can’t walk in with your face like that.”

He delicately touched his wounds. “Shit.”

“Here.” Kakashi pinched the collar of Tenzō’s undershirt and pulled it carefully up over his nose.

Tenzō grimaced behind the cloth. “This is awful. How do you even breathe?”

“You get used to it,” Kakashi said.

He pulled the collar down so it only covered his chin. “How about this?”

“You look ridiculous, but you can’t see the stitches. It’ll work.”

As they changed into their yukata in the twin bedroom Kakashi had paid for, Tenzō said, “You’ve never told me why you wear a mask all the time.”

Kakashi was behind him so he couldn’t see how he reacted, if he did at all. “No, I haven’t.”

“Will you tell me?” he prodded.

Kakashi didn’t answer right away and Tenzō turned around to catch a glimpse of him dressing. He watched Kakashi’s arms, pale and deceptively slender, disappear into the sleeves of his yukata and imagined running his hands from wrists to shoulders to feel the muscles beneath the skin. He wondered how soft that skin would be and how many old scars his hands would travel over on their path, and if there was a world in which he would ever find out.

“There are lots of reasons, I suppose,” Kakashi said finally. “It started off as one thing and then became something else. I don’t want to bore you.”

Tenzō recognised this as Kakashi speak for ‘I don’t want to talk about it’. He was disappointed to still not be trusted after so many years. Kakashi knew everything about him and there had been a time when he'd believed that Kakashi had opened up to him in return, but he'd come to realise that he didn't know anything about him that couldn't be found in a Bingo Book. It was another one of Kakashi’s sleights of hand, giving the illusion of revealing the cards he held close to his chest while in reality the Ace had always been up his sleeve. 

Kakashi’s yukata that year was deep green with an embroidered pattern of fine black lines running up the sleeves and across the chest; the one he’d brought for Tenzō had the same pattern but with white stitching on a navy blue background like lightning across an evening sky. It made him think of Kakashi’s Raikiri and if he squinted at the green yukata he could almost convince himself that the black lines were branches against a background of leaves like his Mokuton.

Their first stop at the festival was the wishes stall, as it had been every year prior. Tenzō paid for several wishes, folding them up tightly before tying them to the bamboo. As he’d grown older his wishes had become more complex but there was always at least one that involved Kakashi even if he never wrote down his name. He wished for Fire Country's prosperity and for the safety, health and happiness of its people and as he wrote he imagined that he was channelling the buzz of restless energy that he felt more and more often into the brush, making the ink understand what it was that he really wanted to wish for. He'd become superstitious about his relationship with Kakashi, convincing himself that to speak it out loud or write it down would be a curse. Kakashi had never talked about what they were doing but he was still there by his side and sometimes in his bed and Tenzō clung to that fiercely even as a deep secret part of him knew that it wouldn't last. He could feel Kakashi slipping out of his grip; nothing between them had explicitly changed but there was something in Kakashi’s eyes that hadn't been there before and it made him want to hold on tighter. He wanted to believe that if he just kept quiet and didn't push for more, they could carry on forever the way that they were, and that would be okay. Not everything that he really wanted, not even close but he could live with it, he thought, as long as Kakashi was still there with him.

He tried to sneak a look at what Kakashi wrote but his captain shielded the paper with a gloved hand, tutting at him. “If you peek, I won’t buy you any dango.”

“You’ve never bought me dango,” Tenzō said, starting to smile.

“That’s because I don’t like it.”

It was the most casual exchange they’d had since leaving Konoha, the first sign that they were still them, and Tenzō drank it in greedily. Maybe it had only been residual mission tension after all that had kept Kakashi on edge. Here at Tanabata they’d always been able to leave that side of themselves behind; he touched his stitches and hoped that they still could.

They drank more beer and sake and ate less junk food than in previous years until he definitely felt a little drunk and Kakashi’s skin looked flushed between his mask and eyepatch, too. They stopped at a games stand and Kakashi knocked down all of the bottles with his first throw and won, to his intense amusement, a giant stuffed dog that he immediately bestowed upon Tenzō, declaring that he had to name it in his honour. With each stall they visited Kakashi relaxed a little more until he was chattering happily and bumping his shoulder against Tenzō’s as they strolled through the narrow streets. Tenzō relaxed in turn, attuned to his captain as always and following his lead as surely as if they were in the field.

Kakashi was regaling him, loudly, with a story about the time Gai had challenged him to a shouting contest and ended up shattering every window in the street when Tenzō noticed someone waving at them from further down the street. He nudged Kakashi.

“Hey, do you know him?”

Kakashi blinked and looked to where he was pointing, then grinned and called “Yo, Asuma!”

“Kakashi! You’re about the last person I ever expected to see in a yukata,” Asuma said. Tenzō didn’t immediately recognise him–he was dark haired and bearded and smoked a cigarette as he talked–but from his familiarity with Kakashi he assumed that he must be a Konoha shinobi. Kakashi slung an arm easily around his shoulders and Tenzō knew then that he must be drunk. Kakashi was almost never tactile when he was sober, except for when they were–

“Where is Kurenai? Don’t tell me she’s finally found someone better.”

“She should be so lucky,” Asuma said, then smiled at Tenzō. “Who’s your friend?”

“You two haven’t met? This is Tenzō. We, ah, train together.”

Kakashi was apparently not so drunk as to forget to use discretion–even Konoha jōnin didn’t know every shinobi in the ANBU ranks, although it was common knowledge that Kakashi served there. His lightning style and silver hair were dead giveaways.

“Good to meet you,” Asuma said and Tenzō inclined his head in a quick bow.

“I didn’t think anyone else knew about this place,” Kakashi said.

“Neither did we,” said Asuma. “You’ve been here before?”

“Yeah, every year since I was sixteen. I ran a mission through here back then and it was so pretty I had to come back.”

“It’s a lot cheaper than Konoha as well, that’s for sure.”

Kakashi grinned. “Just a bonus, I swear.”

“Every year, huh?” Asuma scratched his beard thoughtfully. “Just the two of you?”

Tenzō felt his face heating up but before any of them could say anything further, a pretty dark-haired woman took Asuma’s arm and beamed at them. “How nice to see you here, Kakashi.”

Kakashi unsubtly pushed Tenzō forward with a hand on his shoulder. “Kurenai. This is Tenzō.”

“Hi,” he said and repeated his small bow.

Kurenai’s smile sharpened into something more knowing. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I hope Kakashi brought his own money along with him.”

“This yukata doesn’t have pockets,” Kakashi said and Asuma snorted.

“Right, and a crow took off with your wallet. Or wait, what was it last time?”

“He spent his very last pennies to buy food for the orphan children,” said Kurenai, laughing. “I’m sure you’re already used to his excuses, Tenzō.”

“Um,” was Tenzō’s only response, along with an awkward smile. He felt thoroughly out of his comfort zone.

“Really though, Kakashi,” Kurenai continued in her soft, warm voice. “It’s wonderful to see you with someone. How long have the two of you been together?”

He felt the exact moment that Kakashi understood her implication; the hand that had remained on his shoulder tightened in a sudden spasm. “Together?”

“This is a date, isn’t it?”

“No,” Tenzō cut in quickly. “We’re just–”

“We’re just friends,” Kakashi said quietly.

“Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just...” Kurenai gestured at the two of them.

Tenzō’s smile was a rictus as, with a muted kind of horror, he felt all of the tension and uncertainty being reinstated between them. Kakashi withdrew his hand slowly from his shoulder and the loss was acute.

“We should go make our wishes,” Asuma said, already steering Kurenai away. “It was good to see you both. Enjoy the rest of your evening together–I mean! Not that you–ah, goodbye.”

Once they were out of sight in the crowd Kakashi drained the last of his beer then tucked his hands into his sleeves. “Sorry, sorry.”

“It’s almost time for the fireworks,” Tenzō said, not able to look at him just then. “Let’s go to the hill.”

He led the way to their usual spot just before the treeline of the forest and sat down on the grass facing the village. The stars were very bright there and even though it wasn’t a particularly secluded area they’d never yet had to share it with anyone else.

After a few seconds pause, Kakashi sat down behind him. “I’m sorry,” he said.

Tenzō swallowed thickly. “You said that already.”

“I should have said it years ago.” Kakashi sighed and Tenzō heard him shift on the grass. “I’ve made so many mistakes.”

Mistakes. He chewed on his lip. If he was honest with himself, he’d been waiting for this hammer to fall since the very beginning. He didn’t think that the inevitability would make it any easier to bear, though. Kakashi kept talking, definitely drunk but not so much that his words were slurred.

“I’ve been selfish and you deserved better than that.”

“Selfish? You’ve never been selfish with me, senpai. Every time we’ve–”

“There’s a lot that you don’t know,” Kakashi interrupted, “and I can’t really explain it. You were so young when we met. You’re still too young now, it isn’t right for me to...I’ve just been doing things for my own sake without thinking about how you might...”

A knot was forming in Tenzō’s chest like a fist lodging up against his heart. He'd spent years wishing that Kakashi would open up to him but now that it was happening all he wanted was for him to stop talking. Above them and ahead of them, the fireworks of Tanabata began to explode. 

“I’m sorry, Tenzō," Kakashi said. "I shouldn't have let it go this far.”

He turned around on the grass and carefully put his arms around Kakashi’s waist, mindful of the broken ribs. He stretched his legs out to bracket his captain’s. “I made my own choices,” he said. "You never took advantage of me." 

“How can you say that?” Kakashi’s voice was tight and he sat stiffly upright, not pushing Tenzō’s arms away but not relaxing into them either. “You worshipped the ground I walked on, didn’t you? It was always wrong of me, as your captain.”

The truth was that Kakashi was right. Tenzō would have gone to the ends of the Earth if he’d only asked it and Kakashi must have known that from the very beginning. Tenzō had let it go on for so long because every time they’d been together he’d hoped that it could become something more if he could only be a little bit better, if he could learn how to be exactly what Kakashi wanted him to be. The problem was that he’d never had any idea what Kakashi really wanted.

“If I’d ever thought at the start that you’d…that you'd fall for me,” Kakashi said deliberately, his voice tight as though it was difficult to force the words out, “I never would have started it, I swear.”

It was confirmation of everything Tenzō had ever suspected but never wanted to hear. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead in the space between Kakashi’s shoulder blades, breathing out against his back. He brought a hand up to Kakashi’s cheek, touching only fabric and not skin.

“Can we go back to the inn, senpai? I don’t really feel like watching the fireworks tonight.”

In the twin room Tenzō wordlessly stripped one bed of its blankets and took off his yukata and undershirt, leaving him in just his briefs. Kakashi stared at him with an expression he’d never seen on him before. He reached out and laid his hand against Tenzō’s neck, covering the rows of stitches with his palm.

“You shouldn’t have jumped in front of me that day. It was a stupid risk.”

“I saved your life,” he said.

“And almost lost yours.”

“It was barely a scratch.”

“You were extremely lucky,” Kakashi said, dropping his hand, “and you know that.”

“This is our job, senpai, this is what we do: put our lives on the line for the mission and for each other. Weren’t you the one who told me that?”

Kakashi’s expression darkened. “I never told you to risk your life for the sake of mine.”

He moved closer and put his hands inside Kakashi’s yukata, touching the rough bandages there. “You taught me that abandoning a teammate makes you worse than scum.”

“I’m not your teammate,” Kakashi said softly. “I’m your captain.”

“All the more reason,” he said, smoothing his hands over Kakashi’s chest. He’d never been this forward in touching him before but he was sick and tired of the tug of war between them. He knew that it wouldn’t go on for much longer and if this was his last chance, he wanted to make it count.

“If anyone has to make that sacrifice, it should be me and nobody else,” Kakashi said. “Not you, Tenzō. Not ever.”

“With all due respect, senpai, it wasn’t your decision to make.” Tenzō untied the sash around Kakashi’s waist and let it drop to the floor. He pushed the yukata off of his captain’s shoulders and stepped in close. “If I had to make that choice again, I’d do the same thing every time.”

Kakashi closed his eyes and shook his head. “I can’t do this anymore with you. I’m sorry. I can’t.”

He dropped his head onto Kakashi’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around his waist. It felt more intimate than anything they’d ever done together. “I know. Just let me have tonight. Please.”

“It’s really what you want?” Kakashi said, bringing one hand up to hesitantly stroke his hair. Tenzō nodded against his shoulder.

On the bed he covered Kakashi’s body with his own, nosing the lower edge of the mask out of the way to press wet kisses to the skin of his neck. He ran his hands up Kakashi’s arms and tried to memorise where his scars were, tracing their raised lines first with his fingertips and then with his tongue. The rough bandages around Kakashi’s ribs grazed his jaw as he mouthed his way from one side of his chest to the other, doing everything that he’d always wanted to but had never been permitted to before. He was trying his hardest to press through the barriers that had always existed between them and forge a new intimacy but his captain lay tense beneath him as much as he tried to loosen him up with his hands and his mouth. Finally he gave up and sat back on his haunches to look at Kakashi who met his eye impassively. His hands formed fists where they rested on his thighs.

“What do you want me to do, senpai? What do you like?”

“Don’t think about me,” Kakashi said and Tenzō closed his eyes and gritted his teeth.

“You’re all I think about.”

He was already hard, of course he was, straddling Kakashi’s almost naked body and touching him all over. Kakashi’s hands came up to settle on his thighs and then swept higher to find the waistband of his underwear and dip inside. Tenzō caught his wrists and turned his face away, blushing.

“I…I don’t just want your hand on me, senpai. I need you...I need you closer. Please.”

“Ah, Tenzō,” Kakashi sighed. “I can’t give you what you need.”

“Then let me take it,” Tenzō hissed, leaning forward to fit his mouth to Kakashi’s collarbone. He bit down and Kakashi flinched but didn’t push him away. He sucked and bit his way down Kakashi’s body, pulling at the bandages with his teeth when he reached them, then resting his head on Kakashi’s stomach. He dropped a kiss just beneath his navel as his hands skimmed his thighs. “You’ve never really given me any of yourself, have you?”

“I couldn’t,” Kakashi said.

Tenzō crawled back up the bed and Kakashi put his hands on his ass and pulled him down flush against his body. His erection caught between his own stomach and Kakashi’s and he groaned.

“It feels good, doesn’t it?” Kakashi asked as he eased his underwear down to his thighs. “You’ve always enjoyed it, haven’t you?”

Yes, he always enjoyed Kakashi touching him and Kakashi making him come; his body had never failed to respond with an eagerness that should have been humiliating. He was getting off regularly with someone he was incredibly attracted to, that should have been enough but it hadn’t ever been. Being with Kakashi felt like a weight had been tied to his heart and sunk down to the pit of his stomach.

“In my bag,” Kakashi murmured. “I brought lube.”

Tenzō crossed the room on unsteady legs and fetched the bag, quickly finding the item he was looking for. Before he handed it over to Kakashi, he gestured at his underwear.

“Can you take those off?”

Kakashi met his eye and any emotion that might have been threatening to spill over when they’d sat on the grass together was well hidden now behind his usual cool affect. Maybe he was sobering up or maybe he’d only recalled himself. Even so, he wordlessly did as Tenzō had asked, slipping the briefs off quickly to leave himself naked except for his mask, the bandages across his middle and his eyepatch. His penis lay soft in the crease of his thigh. He uncapped the lube and slicked his hands and Tenzō sighed.

“Senpai.”

“Just come here,” Kakashi said, sounding almost bored. Tenzō knelt between his spread thighs and Kakashi took his erection in his wet hands and stroked slowly up his length.

“Lie down,” he said. “On top of me.”

Tenzō leaned forward, bracing his weight on his arms, and Kakashi pulled him down so they were pressed together from chest to pelvis. His cock was trapped between their bodies and he shuddered out a breath against Kakashi’s chest. Kakashi grasped his hips with slick fingers.

“Move for me, Tenzō.”

He pushed forward experimentally and the lube smoothed the way for his cock to slide from Kakashi’s inner thigh up over the hollow of his hip and to the shallow curve of his stomach muscles. It felt achingly intimate and Tenzō closed his eyes and fisted his hands in the sheets as he thrust slowly, carefully. Kakashi pulled his knees up on either side of him to hold him in place; he arched upwards and his movement brought their bodies together harder. Tenzō’s breath caught on a gasp that was almost a sob. Kakashi’s smooth skin against his cock felt wonderful but there wasn’t enough friction, not quite. It was a kind of torture to rub against his firm stomach, knowing he wouldn’t be able to come that way but not wanting to stop.

He opened his mouth against Kakashi’s chest and sucked a bruise there, then tipped his head to listen to the strong beat of his heart. The intake and release of his breath was a steadier rhythm than Tenzō could manage. He rocked his hips slowly, dragging his erection against Kakashi’s stomach over and over. Kakashi hummed and brought one hand to Tenzō’s ass. He rubbed slick fingertips over his entrance until he whined.

“Is this better?” Kakashi murmured. “Is this what you wanted?” Tenzō bit the inside of his arm and rutted harder against him.

He’d never done anything so sensual, so dirty and desperate, and it was with Kakashi, the only person he’d ever been with this way and the only one he’d ever really wanted. He stopped caring that it was the last time. He stopped caring that Kakashi didn’t want to be with him. All that mattered was their skin against each other and Kakashi urging him on with his words.

“You’re doing so well, Tenzō. Keep going.”

He shifted further up the bed so he could hide his face against the side of Kakashi’s neck and the head of his cock nudged the edge of the bandages. Against the most sensitive part of him the fabric was too coarse and he hissed and drew back. Between them they eased the bandages a couple of inches further up. Their hands met on Kakashi’s stomach. Tenzō raised his head to look at him.

“You’d tell me if I was hurting you, wouldn’t you?”

“Don’t worry about me,” Kakashi said and tugged him back down with both hands on his ass.

Tenzō ground down against him again. He caught the fabric of the mask between his teeth, hoping he’d tear it. Kakashi palmed the firm globes of his ass and spread him open and he raised his head again to look at him, at all of the nothing in his eyes.

“Did you mean what you said to them? Are we just  _ friends _ ?” he asked venomously, feeling a grim satisfaction when Kakashi flinched beneath him, just a little.

Then Kakashi breached him with two fingers and he stuttered out a breath.

“Fuck, I’ve never–”

“I know,” Kakashi said. His fingers were inside Tenzō to the first knuckle. He flexed them and Tenzō groaned long and loud. Kakashi pulled his hand back achingly slowly and then pushed in again and he panted and squirmed against him. Caught between the heat of Kakashi’s body and his fingers stretching him open, his hips jerked forward on their own and he could feel muscles in his thighs twitching. Kakashi fingered him with slow, shallow movements until he almost couldn’t stand it. His cock was achingly hard now, heavy with blood and throbbing with his heart beat, but he didn’t want it to be over, not yet. He wasn’t ready to–

Kakashi hooked a foot over his calf and used it to spread his legs further apart; Tenzō followed the movement and bent his knee. The angle let Kakashi slide his fingers deeper inside him until the stretch almost hurt and he shuddered.

“God, Kakashi. Fuck.”

“You’ve always been so perfect like this,” Kakashi said right against the shell of his ear and Tenzō could feel his breath warm and wet and realised that he’d pulled his mask down. A deep jolt of pleasure shot through him and he let out a wordless noise against Kakashi’s shoulder. Kakashi kept talking, the rumble of his voice thrillingly clear. “You’re so perfect when I touch you. The way you move for me, the way you sound. I want to make you feel good, Tenzō. Tell me how it feels, right now."

“It’s good,” he groaned, “so good, the best. You–ah!” He broke off as Kakashi’s fingers dragged part way out of him and then pushed back in. “I wish...I wish we could do this more. I want you all the time. God, you’re so...”

Part of him wanted to look at Kakashi’s face, longed to so badly that it almost hurt, but he didn’t. He felt that Kakashi was trusting him not to and that meant more, somehow, than seeing beneath the mask would have. He pressed his open mouth to Kakashi’s jaw and tasted the skin there, stubble sharp against his tongue.

“I wish you’d fuck me, Kakashi,” he mumbled against the corner of his mouth. “Want to feel you that close. Want you so much.”

He was caught between the too slick feeling of Kakashi’s skin and the roughness of the fingers twisting inside him, not quite fucking him dry but close to it, adding a sharpness to his pleasure. He pushed back against Kakashi’s hand, urging him in deeper, almost wanting it to hurt more and he thought that Kakashi understood because he put his other hand on the back of his neck and pressed hard with his fingernails.

Tenzō bit down on Kakashi’s jaw and Kakashi gasped. His cock, still soft, twitched against Tenzō’s thigh and Tenzō balled his hands into fists again, fighting against the strong urge to touch. Everything between them had always been on Kakashi’s terms, Kakashi controlling his pleasure and never asking for him to reciprocate. He had never been allowed to; he’d never even tried. He settled instead for touching everywhere else on Kakashi’s body that he could reach, brushing over a nipple, dipping a thumb into his navel, cupping the jut of his hip bone.

He fumbled a clumsy hand towards Kakashi’s face; Kakashi caught his wrist and touched his tongue to his fingertips and he felt on the edge of falling apart.

His hips kept moving on their own and he was close now, so close, the familiar tightness building, his cock leaking as he dragged it over Kakashi’s skin and Kakashi fucked him with his long fingers. He wanted it to last forever but his body had other ideas and he groaned and arched his back.

“Senpai, please.”

“I’ve got you, Tenzō,” Kakashi murmured and then mercifully curled his hand around his cock, giving him a tight channel to thrust into. His grip was just the right side of painful and it gave Tenzō the friction he needed so badly; he sighed with relief and quickly found his rhythm. His whole body shook between the twin assaults of pleasure, the fingers stretching him open and the slick palm against the stiffness of his aching erection.

“I want to make you come,” Kakashi whispered. “You’re so beautiful when you come for me.”

He was past the point of no return, his heartbeat drumming in his ears and all of him burning hot, then right at the moment that his pleasure crested, Kakashi turned his head and kissed him. Tenzō cried out desperately into his mouth and came so hard that he saw stars, so hard that it almost  _ hurt _ . It felt like his cock would never stop pulsing as he lost himself in the velvet softness of Kakashi’s tongue against his own and the bittersweet taste of his breath like beer and sake, gasping and trembling through his orgasm.

When it was finally over he felt dizzy. Kakashi’s face was still close enough for his breath to ghost over his mouth and his hands were still moving, stroking him gently and milking the very last of his cum out of him. His cock was oversensitive now but he still arched into the touch and moved to catch Kakashi’s lower lip between his teeth.

“Kakashi, I–”

“Hush, Tenzō,” Kakashi said. His voice sounded hoarse and he placed one last kiss to his mouth almost tenderly. “Just rest, okay? I’ll get you cleaned up.”

When Kakashi eased his fingers out of him, he whined.

He let Kakashi roll him onto his back and slip away from the bed although one arm trailed uselessly after him, unwilling to let him go. He felt emptied out. Everything else–the stickiness of his sweat and cum, the last fading echoes of his pleasure–were secondary to that emptiness. He realised, distantly, that his face was wet not just with sweat, but with tears. It was the last thought he had before he fell into fitful sleep.

He woke up to Kakashi cleaning him gently with a damp washcloth. His mask was securely back in place and Tenzō was glad of that somehow; to see his face now would have felt like a lie. He thought that he could have imagined the whole thing except for the deep ache in his groin and the fact that he was still naked.

Kakashi was still wearing only his underwear and the outline of his half hard cock was obvious against the thin fabric. Tenzō swallowed and rolled over to face the wall.

They pushed the twin beds together, spreading out a blanket like a sheet. Tenzō curled into Kakashi’s body, tucking his head under his chin. They’d never done anything like it at Tanabata before. They’d always shared a twin room and slept in their separate beds. It had been the only time they’d really spent together as friends–not comrades in arms or quasi-lovers. There had been a purity to their yearly trip that Tenzō supposed they had tainted now. It didn’t matter, though. Not when it was all ending.

In the dark Kakashi stroked his back and murmured against his hair.

“I’m leaving ANBU next week.”

“I guessed,” Tenzō said.

“Ah.”

“Is there–” he already knew what the answer would be but he had to try, anyway. “Is there anything I could do to make you stay?”

Kakashi’s arm tightened around him. “I’m sorry.”

“I just wish...I wish I knew what this was to you. I wish you’d let me have that much.”

Kakashi exhaled against his hair. “You’re better off without me around. Trust me.”

“I can’t believe that,” Tenzō whispered into Kakashi’s shoulder before rolling over onto his other side. He pulled Kakashi’s arm with him and pressed his hand over his heart. He counted off their breaths as they synchronised with each other; he reached almost a thousand and he knew that Kakashi was still awake, too.

Finally, Kakashi spoke again.

“It’s never been about you. It’s me. I know how that sounds, but it’s the truth. Sometimes I wish it was different but I don’t...I can’t...” He swallowed audibly and dropped his forehead against the back of Tenzō’s neck. “It wouldn’t be with anyone else, Tenzō, if I ever did.”

In the morning they dressed in silence and ate a light breakfast on the terrace. Tenzō didn’t think he’d slept more than fifteen minutes at a time the whole night. Being in Kakashi’s arms was always wonderful but knowing that it was over between them–whatever ‘it’ had been–had felt awful. Lurched between the two extremes had kept his stomach churning all night.

Kakashi had his hitai-ate and mask in place as they ate. He wouldn’t look at Tenzō. They didn’t speak the whole way back to Konoha.

At the village gates Kakashi turned, his hands thrust into his pockets.

“I have to meet with the Hokage. About my reassignment. So...”

“I’ll see you around,” Tenzō said, knowing it was a lie but having nothing else to say.

Kakashi bowed his head. “See you, Tenzō.”

He body-flickered away and Tenzō trudged his way to the barracks. He thought that maybe he should be crying but he didn’t feel anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dubious consent (grey-asexual character, one-sided attraction implied). Explicit content. Extreme angst. Extremely angsty smut.
> 
> ...that last scene almost broke me I swear to God.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings at the end.

Tenzō had never been part of a mission with so many other shinobi before; their goals were nebulous and changeable and cells grouped and regrouped as people bounced between them. It was jarring but he was getting used to jarring. Even as recently as the previous day he hadn’t thought that could ever happen, but somehow unpredictability was becoming his normal. So much so that when he did work in a formation or a role that was familiar it felt genuinely good in a way that his work hadn't done for a long time. Perhaps it hadn’t ever.

Even after years of working apart he and Kakashi slotted together easily, remembering each other’s patterns like a dance learned so long ago that the steps were second nature. The only difference was that Kakashi no longer led by default; they moved together as equals. As Tenzō relaxed into the fluidity of their partnership, he realised how much he’d missed it. Their fighting styles complemented each other perfectly; he was the defence to Kakashi’s attack, standing his ground behind Kakashi’s constant movement, sharp blades and lightning brightness flashing between the branches of his Mokuton.

Their battle against four enemy shinobi was tough but their victory was never in doubt; their opponents lacked teamwork, their jutsu were ill-timed and their communication was non-existent. Tenzō disabled the first of them easily by winding roots around his legs and pulling him down into the deep sucking mud his water style had churned up. Shortly afterwards Kakashi dispatched a second, using a clone to misdirect the enemy’s focus so he could get in behind him. The final two shinobi finally realised that they were outclassed and retreated to the trees to regroup. Tenzō crouched on a high branch, waiting. Kakashi leapt up to join him and they spoke with hand signs.

_ Pursue? _

_ No. Conserve energy. Wait. _

_ Opponents? _

_ Fire user, medium range ninjutsu, moderate strength. Nature unknown, genjutsu, moderate strength. _

Tenzō quietly created a wood clone while Kakashi listened for movement around them before signalling again.

_ Five o’clock. Draw them out. _

The clone fooled the enemy and as they fought it Tenzō slipped from tree to tree until he was right above them. He pushed out with his chakra and had the genjutsu user restrained by branches before he even knew that he was there. His yell of protest alerted the fire user who wheeled around and blew flames towards Tenzō but before they could connect a mud wall rose in front of him. Kakashi landed on top of the wall, threw a handful of shuriken with lethal precision and the enemy shinobi dropped to his knees, clawing at his throat.

Tenzō rematerialised from the tree as Kakashi jumped to the ground and dusted his hands together. “That was fun,” he quipped.

Tenzō frowned at the shinobi he had lashed to the tree who was glaring daggers at them. He wore no headband or distinctive clothing that would link him to a nation or village. “What should we do with this one?”

Kakashi shrugged. “Keep him for now, I suppose. Interrogation isn’t really my strength but he might tell us something.”

A short bark sounded close by and moments later Kiba and Akamaru bounded up to them. Both were covered in dirt and scratches and Kiba was pressing his arm over his chest where his shirt was dark with blood. He looked at them with wild, frightened eyes.

“This was a distraction. The real enemy is by the lake.”

Tenzō stepped forward, alarmed. “You’re hurt.”

Kiba shook his head. “Not badly. Follow me.”

They ran through the forest until they reached the cliffs that overlooked the lake. A crystal dragon swooped back and forth over the water far below and a tiny rowing boat bobbed on the waves. Tenzō couldn’t tell from such a distance which of the chūnin were down there.

The water of the lake, cast grey by the sky overhead, looked much darker towards the centre. At first Tenzō mistook it for the reflection of clouds but quickly realised that the darkness was below the surface.

Underneath the rowing boat a huge shadow was moving. Growing. Rising.

Kakashi wasted no time in racing down the cliff face towards the lake, firing questions at Kiba as they ran.

“How many enemies?”

“Just two, but the crystal user is so strong that we haven’t been able to touch her.”

“Who’s fighting?”

“Shino, Sakura and Sai. Hinata and I were fighting against crystal clones. As soon as we were done, I came to get you.”

“Any injured?”

“Only bruises so far, but Shino will be low on chakra by now.”

“Where is Naruto?”

Akamaru whined low in his throat and Kiba hesitated. “I don’t know.”

Tenzō glanced at Kakashi; he’d pushed his hitai-ate up although his left eye was still closed. His expression was tight, his movements determined. 

They reached level ground and sprinted towards the lake. Tenzō could now see Shino, cloaked in his bugs, out on the water. Sakura was close beside him and one of Sai’s inked birds circled above. Hinata knelt on the shore with her head hanging low; as she heard them approach she sprang to her feet and ran towards them.

“Taijutsu won’t work against the crystal style,” Kakashi said. “Sakura and Hinata should sit this one out. You too, Kiba. You don’t fight well on water.”

Kiba looked like he wanted to protest, but Hinata grabbed his arm. “Sensei is right, Kiba-kun. There might be more enemies waiting to ambush, we should stand guard.”

“Hinata,” Kakashi ordered, “go and get Sakura. Tenzō, back up Shino. If all you can do is defend, then defend. Conserve your chakra, don’t get hurt. I need to figure out what her plan is.”

“The boy in the boat,” Hinata said in her tiny voice. “I’ve never seen chakra like his, and so much of it. I think she’s using him as...bait.”

Kakashi nodded. “Thank you, Hinata. Now, go!”

Hinata and Tenzō ran side by side out to Sakura and Shino. Tenzō formed seals quickly and created a wooden dome around all four of them. Crystal fragments slammed into the wood and he heard it cracking. It wouldn’t last for long, but it didn’t need to.

“Sakura, go back to shore with Hinata. We’ll defend here.”

“But captain–”

“That’s an order.”

As a large split opened up in their temporary shelter she shot him an agonised look. “Be careful, okay?”

The wooden dome splintered open to reveal Sai’s bird skimming the water close by. The two girls jumped onto it and Tenzō threw up another quick barrier against a hail of crystal shuriken. He asked Shino, “Can you still fight?”

“For now. I’ve lost about fifty percent of my insects. In another fifteen minutes it will be all of them. I can’t allow that to happen.”

“Understood.”

An inked tiger pounced at Guren as Sai joined them behind the barrier. “They’re trying to summon a monster using the child. She’s protecting him.”

"It's in the water?" Sai nodded. Tenzō quickly calculated. "Then we need to seal it before they can raise it."

"There aren't enough of us," Shino said. "I don't know what this creature is, but it's huge. We'd need an army."

Tenzō steeled himself and created two wood clones. "Then we'll have to be an army."

They fought defensively, trying to restrain Guren rather than attack her outright. With Shino's insects as a cover Tenzō was able to wrap vines around her wrists a couple of times and learned that she could form her crystals without hand seals. The blades she armoured herself with sliced easily through everything his Mokuton could conjure. Sai circled the lake on his bird, busily writing seals on a scroll and sending out ink snakes as a distraction whenever Guren was able to see through Shino and Tenzō's shields for long enough to attack him directly.

Tenzō sent one of his wood clones underwater–it would become waterlogged and useless in minutes, but he only needed it to get to the boat. He pushed closer to Guren, redirecting her attention with a barrage of water bullets. She deflected them all and fired back with crystal projectiles that shredded his wooden shields almost as fast as he could make them. The crystal dragon lashed towards him; he feinted and used the momentum to kick off of its brittle scales, aiming himself towards Guren, branches already bursting from both of his hands.

The air split in two around him, first with the howl of Chidori and then with a noise much more terrible.

The child in the boat was screaming.

The sound skewered Tenzō like a railroad spike through his skull.

He moaned and dropped out of the air like a stone, hitting the water with a hard slap, unaware of anything but the noise and the pain in his head. He couldn’t focus on his limbs enough to make them move and since he couldn’t swim he immediately started to sink. His breath left him in a trail of silvery bubbles and he fought against the urge to inhale, knowing he had to get back to the surface quickly. The only problem was that he couldn’t tell which direction the surface was in. The water pressed in all around him and something was blocking out the light. He felt like he was floating and he couldn’t see anything at all.

The desire to breathe gradually became less urgent. The knowledge that his teammates were fighting above became indistinct. His identity slipped further from his conscious mind the deeper he sank into the cool silence of the water.

Darkness wrapped around Tenzō and he welcomed it as it soothed his thoughts and bled the fear out of him. The darkness was peaceful and it was his darkness, it belonged to him and he could belong to it as well, he knew, if he just let go.

Seconds ticked past and he could feel his heartbeat slowing. He blinked and stared into the depths of the lake.

A monstrous, giant eye stared back.

_ Sleep _ .

Some clinging shred of his survival instinct was fighting hard, he could feel it in the crushing pain in his lungs, but his limbs felt so heavy. He was so tired. If he could just close his eyes again for a moment, he thought. If he could just take a breath–

Tenzō jerked as something behind him wrapped tightly around his middle and yanked. He turned his head but couldn't see what it was. He knew in his bones that it wasn’t a creature of the lake; it was alive and it was other and it had him and he wanted to hit it but his arms wouldn’t move. He tried to kick but couldn’t do that either. He was paralysed and this  _ thing  _ was trying to take him out of the water but he didn’t want to go.

He wanted to stay in the dark where his mind was at peace. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to sleep.

But he was being dragged upwards fast, forced away, and the pain was spreading everywhere. His thoughts howled and raged against the unknown enemy but he still couldn’t move.

If he could stay in the water the pain would leave him, he was sure of it.

Tenzō searched for the eye in the dark and found it and managed to raise his hand. The creature seemed to reach out to him in a whisper that was like a caress against his shattered thoughts.

_ Breathe _ .

He opened his mouth to the black water.

They broke the surface then, Tenzō and the  _ thing  _ that grasped him with its thick tentacles around his chest.

No, not tentacles. Arms.

Tenzō gasped and started to cough, choking on the water he'd inhaled. A hand on his back supported him and kept him upright; he stopped struggling against it and coughed again and again until he brought up a lungful of water and finally he could really breathe.

“You’re okay, Tenzō. I’ve got you.”

The voice belonged to Kakashi. He remembered who he was and where all in a flood.

“Shino. Sai.”

“They’re alive. Can you still fight?”

The monster had risen to the surface of the water with them, a huge plated thing with spiked tails lashing the water into foam all around it. Tenzō gaped.

“What is that?”

“The three tails,” Kakashi said, hauling him up out of the water. “Come on. Get to the shore if you’re too weak to help.”

“I can help,” Tenzō said and took off running.

He almost lost his balance but stayed on his feet, using his chakra to skim over the surface of the water. He couldn’t see Shino or Sai past the monster but he could just make out the tiny boat rocking violently in the wake. Guren’s crystal dragon was gone.

Chidori shrieked again and he wheeled around and saw Kakashi leaping into the air towards another shinobi, a huge muscled man with blue-tinged skin. The two of them slammed together in a burst of light and the air crackled with electricity. A slow mist was rising from the lake and Tenzō turned back towards the three tails and kept running. Kakashi could handle one shinobi; he had to get to the kids.

The monster raised a humongous clawed flipper and he was forced to retreat, leaping backwards towards the shore. He could hear Sakura or maybe Hinata shouting but not what she was saying. Racing over the shallows he finally caught sight of Sai and Shino, both riding a paper-white bird that hovered by the opposite shore. He sagged to one knee with relief.

Fighting against Guren had been bad enough. This was much, much worse.

A raucous shout rang out from the cliffs and the monster roared in answer. The sound buried itself inside Tenzō’s brain even deeper than the child’s scream had reached before. He managed to stay out of the water but it was a very close thing and he fell forward onto his hands and knees, shaking with the effort of maintaining his chakra against the wave of exhaustion that slammed into him. Still fighting to stay conscious, he turned towards the source of the shout.

Naruto stood on the clifftop flanked by two toads, his arms folded triumphantly over his chest. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s show this thing what we can do.”

Naruto jumped onto one of the toad’s backs and fired off the collaborative jutsu that had shattered the crystal barrier the day before. The air-water stream hit the monster on the shell right above its eyes and there was a loud cracking sound. The monster reared backwards with a roar of pain and Tenzō could feel its anger seething in the air all around him, an immense power that made his skin break out in goosebumps. He gathered his chakra and flickered to the clifftop.

“Naruto!”

Naruto held out his arm. “It’s okay, Captain Yamato.” Even with his back to Tenzō he radiated confidence as though he not only believed that he was capable of defeating the creature, he knew beyond doubt that he would. Tenzō let himself believe it, too. As implausible as it would have seemed to him even a month before, he truly had faith in the unpredictable noisy ninja.

He had faith in all of them.

In the lake below the monster sucked in a huge breath and fired a shockwave directly at the cliffs. Tenzō leapt just in time; the stone beneath their feet crumbled and he felt the breath leave his body but he landed on solid ground, alive and uninjured.

Then Naruto leapt towards the monster and Sakura screamed.

In mid-air Naruto’s Kage Bunshin burst into life and formed a barrage of Rasengan. As they flew forwards Tenzō heard Sai’s voice and watched as ink strands snaked through the water and wrapped around the monster. The Rasengan slammed into the beast’s shell and it roared again. Clones dispersed, Naruto landed beside Sai and Shino on the back of the paper bird. Sai held an open scroll covered in seals and it was from this that the ink was flowing. Tenzō didn’t doubt that the boy had some skill in fūinjutsu, but he knew that whatever seals he created wouldn’t last for long. Restraining bijū was a feat only Kage-level shinobi could reliably perform.

Naruto placed his hands on Sai’s shoulders and closed his eyes. Blue chakra formed around his hands and Sai first flinched and then stilled. Boosted by Naruto’s chakra his ink strands thickened and multiplied, darting out towards the monster in the lake until it was all but invisible behind their blackness. It thrashed and roared but couldn’t break free. Sai and Naruto were both frowning with effort and very slowly the monster was dragged towards the scroll.

Kakashi had joined the girls on the shore and Tenzō flickered over to them. Sakura clung to Kakashi’s arm and when she saw Tenzō she grabbed his hand as well. Her grip was tight and fierce and he thought it was as much out of frustration from being unable to help as it was out of fear.

“Will this work?” he murmured to no one in particular. Kakashi answered.

“If it doesn’t, I’ll use Kamui.”

“That’s impossible,” Tenzō said. “Even if you had enough chakra it would kill you.”

Their eyes met; Kakashi’s Sharingan was uncovered and his expression was darkly resolute. “I know.”

Tenzō broke free from Sakura and started to sprint towards the three boys on the other side of the lake. He desperately wanted to get there faster but his chakra levels had dipped below fifty percent and he knew he’d need to conserve what remained. The ink strands were getting thinner and thinner, staining the water around where the monster thrashed and bellowed.

Finally Sai’s bird came into view. The boy looked exhausted, swaying on his feet even with the boost from Naruto’s chakra. Tenzō dropped into a crouch and formed a sequence of hand seals that made his totems race outward from his palms, snapping their wooden jaws. They latched onto the ink-covered monster and Sai started, whipping around to look at Tenzō. He managed a nod of reassurance. His teeth were clamped tight and all of his muscles strained with effort. The power from the thing in the lake surged through his Mokuton, huge and overwhelming like ice in his veins. He remembered the water pressing in around him and how much he’d longed to stay in its embrace and shuddered.

Then his throat closed up in terror as behind Sai, a bubbling red aura started to form around Naruto.

“Tenzō!” He tore his eyes away from Naruto to see Kakashi, Sakura, Hinata and Kiba rushing towards him.

“Naruto. The kyūbi, he’s–” Tenzō gasped with the effort of maintaining his jutsu, feeling the beast wrenching against the bonds. His feet skidded on the mud and gravel of the shoreline. “I can’t hold them both.”

Kakashi’s eyes moved rapidly as he calculated. “We need to find the child, the one who can control it.”

Shino landed beside them carried by a carpet of bugs. “The crystal user has him. They took off into the woods.”

“Shino, Kiba, you’re with me. Sakura, Hinata, go to Sai, give him your chakra. Tenzō, as soon as his seal is strong enough, release your Mokuton and bind Naruto. We’ll bring the boy back here as quickly as we can. Everyone, go!”

It went better than Tenzō ever could have hoped. With the added boost from the girls Sai was able to hold the monster in place, freeing him to drop his wooden restraints before more than two of the kyūbi’s tails had formed. He flickered onto the bird and pressed the seal on his palm to Naruto’s forehead and the boy dropped to his knees as the red chakra melted away. He looked up at Tenzō with wounded, frightened eyes.

“Did I hurt anyone?”

“No, Naruto. It’s okay.”

“The monster…” Naruto turned towards the lake just as the others emerged from the trees. A small boy clung to Hinata’s sleeve. Sakura crouched and said something to him, touching his cheek gently, then he took a deep breath and screamed again. The sound was just as piercing as before but this time the thrashing beast stilled in the water. Quiet fell over the lake and Tenzō held his breath. Then the monster turned lazily and lowered its head.

“Sai. Let it go,” Tenzō said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Sai released his jutsu and the ink threads were severed from the scroll to fall useless and liquid onto the surface of the water. They collected there like oil for a moment before sinking in billowing clouds. The monster rolled and then dived, chasing the ink down into the depths of the lake.

A minute later, only ripples remained.

Tenzō removed his hand from Naruto’s forehead and the boy collapsed against him, flinging his arms around his neck. Startled but relieved, he hugged him back, awkwardly at first but then with genuine feeling as the emotional toll of all that had happened started to sink in. Beside them Sai was breathing hard from his exertion and, acting on some new, heretofore unknown instinct, Tenzō held out his arm for him. Sai hesitated for a bare instant and then crowded in beside Naruto.

Tenzō’s throat was tight but a warm feeling was growing in his chest. He looked over Naruto’s head and, seeing that the others were fine, allowed himself to close his eyes. He brought his hand into Sai’s hair and the boy sighed gratefully.

“We did it.”

“We would have been dead without you,” Tenzō said, his voice hoarse. “Well done, Sai.”

“Yamato,” Naruto said, pulling back to look up at him. His cheeks were wet with tears. “Thank you.”

Once they were all back on solid ground the teens formed a tight group hug with their heads bent together. Hinata and Sakura were still holding onto the boy and when Naruto saw him he grinned.

“Hey! You’re one of us now, yeah?”

Tenzō walked over to Kakashi on trembling legs. “What happened?”

“He was being manipulated by Kabuto.”

“Then is Orochimaru–”

“No, he’s not here. Kabuto took off. I guess he decided the bijū was more trouble than it’s worth.”

“He underestimated them,” Tenzō said, smiling fondly at the rest of his team as they sat laughing on the ground.

Kakashi nodded but he looked troubled. “This might not be over. We shouldn’t drop our guard.”

“No,” he agreed. “Where is Guren?”

“Back at the hideout, licking her wounds. Kiba actually got her pretty good. Drew blood.” Kakashi relaxed into a slouch, hands in his pockets. “She’s not a threat anymore. Once it was clear that Kabuto was willing to let her die if he had to, she lost her loyalty quickly. The boy is actually quite attached to her, and from what I’ve seen she feels the same way. Now that he’s not being used to raise the bijū, she has no reason to attack us. But her followers, or Kabuto’s–”

“I thought we killed all of them.”

“Not the genjutsu user,” Kakashi admitted, looking out over the lake. “He got away, and we don’t know if there are more.”

The tension and terror were slowly leaching out of Tenzō’s muscles and bones, leaving exhaustion and something dangerously close to hysteria in their wake. They were safe now, he believed definitively so, but how close had he been to losing everything? Everyone?

He swayed on his feet and Kakashi’s arm was around his shoulders faster than he could blink.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine,” he said, reaching for Kakashi with stiff, clumsy fingers. He caught the collar of his shirt and held on. “Are you?”

Kakashi touched his hand and looked at him with an expression that was almost as desperate as he felt. “Tenzō.”

“We almost lost each other, didn’t we?”

Kakashi’s laugh was quiet but wild, on the edge of breaking into a sob. “You scared me half to death.”

Tenzō swallowed, still staring into that dark eye, so familiar yet hiding so much and promising so much more. “Listen, I–”

“Hey, captain!” Naruto called.

He realised that the teens were all looking at the two of them and stepped quickly out of Kakashi’s personal space. “What is it?”

Sakura smiled wickedly. “Who is Tenzō?”

Kakashi snorted and Tenzō flushed bright red.

“I’m going to kill you.”

“It just slipped out, I swear!”

Excited chatter filled the air and he found himself stumbling through a more thorough explanation of his name and his past than he’d ever planned on giving. It was scary to reveal so much about himself but it was exhilarating, too. He’d spent so many years afraid to get close to anybody and the fear hadn’t gone away but he was starting to accept that he didn’t have to let it hold him back. It could exist alongside the happiness he got from being around other people.

In the meantime, Kakashi summoned Pakkun and sent him back to Konoha with a mission report. “It’ll take him a few hours to get there, but I’m sure the Hokage will want to deploy a cell to guard this place,” he said. “We can’t walk away from a loose bijū. Just because the boy can’t control it anymore doesn’t mean nobody else could.”

Time passed and there was no sign of any remaining threat. As the adrenaline burned away, a buzz of relieved laughter rippled through the group. Beneath its cover, Tenzō went to Kakashi’s side again.

“Can we talk? Once we’re back in Konoha, I mean.”

Kakashi darted a look at him, guarded but perhaps hopeful underneath. “If you want to.”

“Somebody should stay here until the ANBU guard arrives, right?” Tenzō said. “I volunteer. You should get the kids home.”

Kakashi’s eye narrowed. “Do you really think I’d leave you alone here? Do you think they would, either?”

“Captain Tenzō!” Sakura and Naruto hollered in a chorus as they barrelled over to him. Kakashi at least had the decency to look embarrassed, if only for half a second.

“We’re staying with you,” Naruto announced. “And Sai, too.”

Tenzō shook his head. “You should get back to the village where it’s safe.”

“We’re a team,” Sakura said with an air of finality. “Teams should always stick together no matter what. Isn’t that right, Kakashi?”

“Oh? Did you listen to something I taught you?” Kakashi said laconically, taking a book out of his pocket. Tenzō couldn’t believe that, of all things,  _ Icha Icha Tactics _ had survived the skirmish.

“It was you who said that?” Naruto asked, scratching his head. “I thought it was fuzzy brows.”

“Maa, whoever said it, I’m part of the team, too. I’m the one who makes the decisions, actually, and I say you’re all going back to Konoha. I’ll stay with your captain.”

Naruto pulled a face. “You’d leave the six of us to travel alone? There could be all kinds of bad guys in the woods!”

“Hm, sensei,” Sakura said, flashing her wicked smile again. “That doesn’t sound like a very good idea, does it?”

Kakashi sighed and slammed his book closed. “I knew I didn’t like you two. You’re both brats.”

Sakura turned to Tenzō. “Could we, captain? We’d like to keep you company, if we can.”

“Naruto needs to get back to Konoha,” Kakashi said. “The elders don’t want him on missions at all. If he stays out any longer one of them will have an aneurysm.”

“Screw the old fogeys,” Naruto said. “I don’t care what they want.”

“But if you run too wild, it’ll make Tsunade-sama look bad,” Tenzō said, understanding Kakashi’s point. “She’s trusting you, Naruto. You have to prove that she’s right to do so.”

Naruto pouted but nodded. “Okay.”

Kakashi looked over at Sai who was painting Yukimaru’s face with his ink while the boy giggled. “Sai. How is your chakra?”

“A little low, I think,” Sai replied.

“I can help him with my medical ninjutsu,” Sakura said. “He should probably rest, though. A six hour trek through the woods isn’t a great idea.”

Kakashi raised his eyes heavenward. “Fine, fine. You’re the boss. Stay with your captain since you like him so much more than me.”

“I can’t help being loveable,” Tenzō said and Kakashi’s expression softened.

“No, I don’t suppose you can.”

Tenzō had enough chakra to build a shelter big enough for the three of them and they ate the last of their food pills as the sun started to set. Sakura sat beside him and leant her head on his shoulder.

“Which name do you want us to call you by, captain? Yamato or Tenzō?”

He considered. “Whichever you feel more comfortable with.”

She looked up at him. “Don’t you want to have only one name? A real one?”

He smiled ruefully. “I never have before. It doesn’t really matter to me.”

“I understand,” Sai said. He was sketching and he spoke without looking up from his work. “The name ‘Sai’ isn’t truly mine, but I don’t mind it. Even if I had a name given to me by a mother or father, would that define me any more than a code name does? Would it tell you who I am?”

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” Sakura said quietly. She took Tenzō’s hand and ran her fingers over the lines on his palm. “Did you know your lifeline is split in the middle?”

“You know palmistry?” he asked. “And Shakespeare?”

“I know a little about a lot of things,” she said. “I like to learn.”

“So what does that mean, about my lifeline? Am I going to die young?”

“No,” she said firmly and scowled up at him. “For it to mean that it would have to end before the base of your palm but look, yours goes all the way to your wrist. A break means a major change.”

“What sort of change?”

“I don’t know,” Sakura said with a shrug. “I guess it could be anything.” She raised his hand higher so he could see where her fingers traced. “The break is right about level with your second finger, see? So you’ll still be young when it happens, probably younger than thirty.”

“I’m already twenty four,” Tenzō said.

Sakura beamed up at him. “Maybe your life is changing right now. Don’t you think?”

“It certainly is...different,” he said.

In their small shelter after dark, Sakura whispered, “Captain.” They were all in their sleeping bags and Sai was already asleep. Tenzō rolled over and found the gleam of her eyes in the starlight.

“What is it, Sakura?”

“You and Kakashi-sensei. There’s something between you, isn’t there?”

He turned onto his back. “We’ve known each other for a very long time. He’s a close friend.”

“No, it’s more than that.” Tenzō didn’t answer. Sakura persisted. “What happened between you two?”

“It’s a very long story. Get some sleep, okay?”

Minutes passed and he was just starting to drift off when Sakura’s voice came again, as soft as a breeze through the darkness.

“If you feel the same way about him as I do about Sasuke-kun, you shouldn’t give up on him. Not ever.”

Four ANBU soldiers woke them an hour before sunrise. Tenzō thought he probably knew at least two of them, but he wasn’t allowed to ask and they weren’t allowed to indicate if they recognised him, either. He should have been used to it but he was getting comfortable in a different life that included enthusiastic greetings from teammates and friends and the blank masks now looked sterile and cold.

Once the soldiers had confirmed that their Intel matched what Tenzō had witnessed the day before, he and his team started towards Konoha. They made good time and it was nice to walk with Sakura and Sai and experience the forest anew through their eyes as they stopped to admire unknown flowers and started at the calls of birds. Their happy chatter made a pleasant addition to the natural chorus around them.

As an ANBU soldier, whenever Tenzō had looked to the future he’d only seen more of the same. He’d seen himself living from mission to mission with no room for any hopes or dreams, he’d thought that he’d fight until he couldn’t fight any longer and that would be all. Not a glamourous life, perhaps not even an enjoyable one, but predictable. As he walked towards Konoha, the place which was home to him, he thought about the last few days and weeks. He remembered Gai drunkenly saying that ANBU was no place for a good man and Sai telling him that bonds pushed people to fight harder. He remembered Naruto stating with absolute certainty that he would talk the Hokage into letting him remain as their team captain and the warmth of Sakura’s hand in his.

The feeling that had consumed him since his reassignment, bringing uncertainty and anxiety to his days, was, at its root, desire–for a home, for family, for all of the things he’d never had. He was only now beginning to understand that the desire had been there for a long time, maybe the whole time, showing itself in every potted plant in his apartment and every piece of furniture that he crafted. He’d told himself that those things were just mindless activities to fill the time but now that the delineator of the white mask was missing his heart lay uncovered all of the time and it was telling him that he wanted a future beyond the battlefield. He wanted to do more than just survive: he wanted a life.

Tenzō had always imagined that life outside ANBU would be too complicated but he was living it now and it could be breathtakingly simple. If he could learn to experience joy without fear and love without guilt–and he wanted to believe that he could–then he had only to allow himself to enjoy those feelings. He felt like a plant that had outgrown its pot and been replanted in a sprawling meadow and as daunting as the endlessness of the new space was after the familiar confines of his old life, it was exhilarating, too. As a flower turning towards the sun, he basked in the idea of putting down roots, of finally belonging somewhere.

Or to someone.

Kakashi represented a life that now seemed possible and more than any single other thing or person or experience, Tenzō wanted Kakashi. Every other desire might yet prove to be fleeting, but he was certain of that. He wanted him fiercely, he wanted all of him all of the time and he had done since the very beginning. He’d tried to escape it but no matter what he did he was drawn back to Kakashi and was even being pushed towards him by Sakura and Kurenai and Asuma and Gai. He was still afraid and unsure what the outcome would be but denying his feelings hadn't done him any good. He'd thought that he'd been protecting himself, maybe even protecting them both, and that might have been true when he was still in ANBU but as Yamato his denial had only kept him in stasis. Fighting against the currents of change was exhausting and he couldn’t go on doing it anymore.

Sai had told him that the fear never went away. Kurenai had said that maybe he wasn't the only one who was afraid.

He had meant what he’d said the night before: his whole world had started and ended with Kakashi and it had been awful to realise how little he knew who he was away from him. But self-loathing and doubt were emotions that he could shed like dead skin if he wanted to, just like he’d left the name Kinoe behind him as a relic of the past. If he chose to, he could leave Tenzō behind as well. He had more precious people now, teammates and friends. He had a new role as a captain that didn’t constrain him the way that his role in ANBU had but rather opened up his world to new possibilities.

When Kakashi had first left ANBU Tenzō had felt betrayal like a hot knife in his belly that over months and years had morphed into bitterness, but he could finally leave his hurt behind because his world was bigger now, too big for Kakashi alone to fill.

If he was right, if everyone he’d spoken to was right, then Kakashi felt the same way about him. If he did then none of the hurt or the anger would matter. Even their past wouldn't matter. His resolve of the night before to stay away from Kakashi became meaningless when faced with the possibility that he could really have him.

If any part of him truly believed that he deserved the life and the love that he now knew he had always wanted, then Tenzō felt compelled to claim it.

✽✦✽✦✽

Saying that Kakashi was in a bad place when he met Kinoe would be an understatement. Without Obito and Rin, still numb from their deaths, he’d thrown himself into fighting and killing as the only things he could trust himself to be good at. Four years later when he helped to bring Kinoe into ANBU he was holding up a little better but mostly just for show; he still had the nightmares of Rin, the only difference was that he had stopped jerking awake panting and horrified when they haunted his sleep. He’d lost Minato by then as well and the need to prove himself burned ever more urgently at his core.

As a boy he’d fought his way out of his father’s shadow, craving recognition in his own right and achieving it laughably easily when he graduated from the academy at five years old. His rapid promotion to chūnin had cemented his status as a prodigy; becoming a jōnin at twelve and then an ANBU captain at fourteen had only been the icing on the cake. He became obsessed with his statistics–the only signifiers of his worth–and started trawling through data books in search of more records that he could break, seeking perfection with a desperation that his prowess made easy to hide. As a human being he may have been drowning but at least as a shinobi he could excel.

He’d proved to himself, twice, that he was useless as a friend, the blood of his failure a permanent stain on hands that he hid inside combat gloves. He couldn’t be a son to deceased parents or a student to a dead sensei. If he could just be the first to something or the strongest or the fastest, maybe it wouldn’t matter that he hadn’t been good enough to save even a single one of his teammates. Maybe he’d be able to forget.

His trauma and his reputation both separated him from his peers but he had always used that distance to his advantage, cultivating an image that Gai had once described as “devastatingly hip”. He knew that he was seen as aloof with an air of confidence that bordered on arrogance and that was fine if it kept people away. Everyone apart from Gai, at least, who was more dogged in pursuit than his actual dogs, forcing him to resort to hiding or outright fleeing when he was in the mood to be alone (which was approximately 95% of the time). Gai had earned a place in his life through sheer force of will and intentions so pure that even on his darkest days he wasn’t cruel enough to squash them completely, leading to his grudging acceptance of their rivalry-coded friendship.

The first time he’d caught himself thinking of Tenzō as a friend it had made him uncomfortable. Aside from Gai, he didn’t  _ have  _ friends. He was liked well enough in ANBU; towards his comrades, colleagues, teammates or whatever he chose to call them he was always perfectly cordial, though rarely warm. He performed just enough social niceties to keep the other soldiers obedient to his command; he attended post-mission drinking sessions (but never paid), he ate in the communal cafeteria (at a table alone), he even gave birthday gifts (impersonal ones). He was shrewd enough to know that personality could do a lot more towards fostering respect than skill alone, so he learned how to play the game.

(He tried not to think that if he’d been just a little less cold towards Obito and Rin, the twin tragedies that defined his adolescent years might have been avoided. Tried, but mostly failed.)

Tenzō had entered his life as an adversary and become an ally and that should have been all, but he had come to occupy an undeniable place in Kakashi’s life just like Gai. If he had to pin that on anything, he would blame his own ego.

Kinoe had idolised Kakashi from their first meeting and although he had already been a Root operative, he had also been a child sorely lacking in concealment skills. He had followed Kakashi through Konoha like a puppy, lurking behind chimney stacks and around corners, and Kakashi had known that he was there and he had liked it. He’d liked Obito’s sulking envy, too, Rin’s open-hearted praise and Minato’s quiet pride. He surrounded himself with people who expected him to live up to the ideals that his father and his sensei had set before him, not as human beings but as symbols of military strength. It was why he let Gai follow him around.

Kakashi had always needed, powerfully and fiercely, to be admired. If he couldn’t be loved, it was the next best thing.

Bringing Kinoe into ANBU had been inevitable. Kakashi cherished his high status above all else and Kinoe only knew him by his stellar mission record. Every time they’d clashed the reverence had shone as bright as gold in his eyes and Kakashi had drunk it in to the point of intoxication. He rechristened him Tenzō and brought him in under his direct command, all but insisting on that point although he suspected that Hiruzen had understood.

Kakashi meant something to Tenzō, even if it was only as the famed Copy Ninja. Tenzō offered him awe in every star-struck gaze.

As close as Tenzō stayed to him–and as often as he could be at his side he was there like a shadow–his admiration also kept him at a distance. Kakashi was the strong and heroic shinobi shining light on his inexperience, a mentor but never an equal. He was an idol on a high pedestal that Tenzō would never dare to set foot on, and that was good. He felt sure that nothing between them would ever be personal, there would be no closeness or intimacy in their relationship. He couldn’t disappoint Tenzō unless he failed as a shinobi, and he would never allow that to happen. He could easily keep Tenzō at arm’s length.

He should have known that it wouldn’t be so simple. In the darkest depths of his mind, he probably had. His complacency was his undoing.

It started innocently enough; he was Tenzō’s captain so training together made sense. He was helping him to integrate into ANBU, so spending time with him was only natural as well.. It was more enjoyable than Kakashi had expected it to be, though, so he kept finding reasons to do more of it. It had been a long time since he’d had a friend. He didn’t even see Gai that much around his mission schedule. It was nice to stop being Cold-Blooded Kakashi just for a little while, nice to be looked up to, respected, maybe even adored.

He’d always known in the back of his mind that he was playing a dangerous game. He lived in the shadows for a reason, not only as an ANBU soldier but as a person as well. Keeping people away was a choice, but he let Tenzō become an exception to that rule.

Since realising with some dismay that he couldn’t completely ignore the urges of his own body, Kakashi had started reading the  _ Icha Icha _ series of light novels and, although he didn’t enjoy touching himself any more than he had the first time, he believed that he had a much better understanding of sex as a result. He knew that attraction came with a desire for sexual contact and that most people craved and chased after such contact. He also knew that he was considered attractive and it was an asset that he had successfully weaponised on more than one occasion, both as part of official missions and in his personal life. Some time after Rin had died he’d added flirting to his arsenal and it was enjoyable to watch people squirm away from his suggestive words and looks; it was another small way that he could take control. Even when they tried to fuck him, rejection was a weapon, too.

Above all else, Kakashi knew, from his blushes, smiles and willingness to do almost anything that he asked or ordered him to do, that Tenzō liked him more than he liked anybody else. He’d always known, and just in case his new shyness in the locker rooms hadn’t been enough of a tip-off that his feelings had advanced from like to lust, the stiffness of Tenzō’s dick in his hand and the sound he made when he came proved his desire beyond doubt. If Kakashi really thought back over their relationship, he had to acknowledge that he’d never discouraged those feelings. He had played on Tenzō’s admiration, he’d used it to his advantage at times, and he’d flirted. He’d seen the change from friendship to unrequited crush and not only had he not shut it down, he’d almost gone out of his way to encourage it, that encouragement going so far as giving the kid a handjob, for God’s sake.

The first time that he woke up with Tenzō asleep in his arms, Kakashi finally had to admit that their relationship was not, by any definition, platonic. He should have ended it then and there after two clumsy, misguided attempts at comfort, but he didn’t. Probably by the second time it was already too late to go back. He truly believed that his original intentions had been pure–the first time he’d thought it was a normal thing for a captain to do, the second time Tenzō had been suffering and he had wanted to make him forget. After that, though, the feeling of giving somebody pleasure when he was used to only doling out pain and death became addictive.

He knew that Tenzō wouldn’t come to him for more, as much as he also knew how badly he would want to; Tenzō was still too in awe of him, afraid to ask and afraid to take. Kakashi could have stepped back and the strength of the boy’s admiration would have reinstated the distance between them. The only way that those encounters would become a regular occurrence would be if Kakashi made the offer.

He did offer, again and again, and over time he watched the awe in Tenzō’s eyes sharpen into longing but it didn’t stop him.

Kakashi pushed aside every questioning whisper in his own mind and he went to Tenzō at night and touched him in ways that he’d never wanted to be touched himself. The need that was plain in every line of Tenzō’s body as he stripped him of his clothes, the noises that he could drag out of him and the look on his face every time he came just from the touch of his hand were all things that struck him somewhere deep inside where nothing before had ever reached. No amount of whispered admiration from his peers had ever compared to the way that Tenzō clutched at him on those nights or the way he cried out his name even with a gloved hand over his mouth to keep the others from hearing them. Once or twice Kakashi even realised that he was half hard as he stroked Tenzō and he considered, fleetingly, asking him to reciprocate, but it wasn’t sexual feelings that kept him going back for more. It was the thrill of knowing that he could make somebody feel so good by doing something as simple as touching them. It was the idea that he could have value outside of a battlefield. It was, at its shameful core, the certainty that Tenzō would never turn him away.

It was the validation of being not only something to him, but  _ everything _ .

The older that Tenzō got, the more he grew into his own person instead of just a follower. They developed a friendship that was honest and real. Kakashi liked Tenzō. He enjoyed spending time with him, he always looked forward to their yearly outings and he could acknowledge that Tenzō had grown to be an undeniably attractive man. He was broad-shouldered, muscular due to their intense training regime, and he had the kind of face that showed emotion easily thanks to his still ridiculously large brown eyes that danced with warmth more often than not. Kakashi liked to tease Tenzō to see how easily he could make him blush and he liked to hear his laugh that always sounded like it had been startled out of him. When he heard Tenzō’s voice across the locker room it calmed him. Tenzō was reliable and steadfast, loyal and generous.

It was almost a tragedy, he sometimes thought. If he could have loved Tenzō it might have been wonderful. But as many times as he made him come and as many times as he read and re-read the  _ Icha Icha _ books he’d picked up from the second hand book store, he couldn’t make himself feel the way that other people felt, or even understand it.

He wasn’t capable of loving anybody. He just hadn’t been built for it.

Eventually the guilt started to swallow up everything else. He couldn’t keep telling himself that he was doing it for Tenzō’s benefit when he could see how plainly Tenzō wanted more from him and his inability to give it had become a source of pain that showed in his eyes. After the mission in Snow Kakashi wasn’t able to sleep, even with the painkillers they’d given him at the hospital for his broken ribs. He lay all night in a cold sweat, almost as terrified as he was by the nightmares of Rin, understanding with a horror that made his stomach lurch that he’d brought Tenzō much closer to him than he ever should have, far too close to walk away with no consequence.

It was much too late to keep Tenzō from getting hurt, which was what he’d always been the most afraid of and the most adamant that he would never do. Enough people had already died because of him and watching Tenzō dive in front of him ready to take a hail of shuriken in his stead had brought him to his limit.

Gai had been begging him to leave ANBU and was even threatening to petition the Hokage to let him into the force so that he could look out for his friend, and up until then Kakashi had been pushing him away with both hands. He’d thought that ANBU was safer; living in the company of fellow assassins had seemed foolproof but Tenzō hadn’t ever belonged there and instead of shielding him from the darkness that surrounded them both Kakashi had held him down and forced it into his veins.

In his hospital bed he compared Tenzō to Gai, who he’d never been able to shake, who had never been wounded by his numerous attempts to evade him, and the choice was an easy one. He went to the Sandaime in his hospital gown as soon as the sun was up and traded ANBU for the life of a regular jōnin.

It was too late to avoid hurting Tenzō; if he had to do it, at least he could prove that he had never been worth getting attached to in the first place. He let down everyone who was foolish enough to care about him eventually. Tenzō would always have learned that sooner or later.

Kakashi only hoped that Tenzō would forget about him quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References to underage sex and Kakashi's traumatic past.
> 
> I just have to say: BAKASHI WHY. We're almost there with this fic! Lol could you tell how much I was NOT confident writing action stuff. I skipped over as much as I possibly could!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry-not-sorry for the excessive plant metaphors.

Tenzō was almost vibrating with tension by the time they reached Konoha’s gates but as much as he wanted to run straight to Kakashi and spill his feelings everywhere, he needed food and a shower first. Sai still looked tired and Sakura was keeping close to him with a hand at his elbow, ready to catch him if he fell. Tenzō smiled at them both.

“Breakfast tomorrow. Don’t forget.”

“I’ll tell Naruto, too,” Sakura said. “And you can tell Kakashi-sensei.”

He shook his head. “No. This is a Team Yamato tradition, okay?”

She gave him a sly look but nodded. “Okay. See you tomorrow.”

In his apartment Tenzō flopped onto his futon with a groan. He felt like the previous day had drained him in every way that it was possible to be drained. He was tired to the bone but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep when the day was bright and the village alive outside his window. Besides, this wasn't ANBU; if another mission came for his team, it most likely wouldn't be until tomorrow. Trying to keep to some semblance of a normal sleep/wake cycle on his off days would be the better thing to do. He shifted restlessly. Was it too late to eat breakfast? He decided that he didn’t care and, forcing himself upright wearily, ate a bowl of cereal at his kitchen counter. He dragged himself through the shower and put on clean mission blacks and, all of that done, felt a lot more human.

Almost without realising, moving in a post-mission daze, he found himself back outside his front door. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, clasped and unclasped his hands. It was midday. He should probably wait until the evening. He should–

Kakashi leapt fluidly over his balcony railing and froze in a crouch when he saw Tenzō standing there. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Tenzō said.

Kakashi straightened up and affected a bored slouch. “Maa, I was just making sure you got home safely.”

“I was on my way to see you,” Tenzō responded. “Come in.”

A dark eye met his warily. “Okay.”

Kakashi hung back in the doorway while Tenzō flitted around the apartment, talking senselessly. “Have you eaten? I might have something in the cupboards. Do you want tea? I’ll make some tea.”

He all but ran into the kitchen and hid his face in a cupboard. His hands were shaking, his cheeks were hot and he felt completely foolish, like a teenager experiencing his first crush. Kakashi had been that for him, after all, and he’d never gotten over it. He started to doubt whether he should say anything. It had been so many years since he’d spent time with Kakashi for longer than a hospital visit. If he could put his feelings to one side again, perhaps they could become friends. That would be worth more than a chance at love, wouldn’t it? And what if he was wrong to think that Kakashi felt anything for him?

Even as those doubts tugged at him, though, he knew he would still go through with it. Kakashi had told him that he’d changed his life for the better. Tenzō hadn’t wanted to hear it, then, but Kakashi had said it and he'd meant it. He was tired of running from whatever was between them anymore.

Besides, he didn’t really believe that they ever could be friends. They never had been, not without his feelings getting in the way.

Tenzō looked out into the living room, an empty teacup in each hand, and saw Kakashi still standing by the front door with his hands in his pockets, looking down at his feet. He’d taken his sandals off and dumped them, along with his weapons pouches, in a heap on top of Tenzō’s own neatly arranged row of shoes.

It was like a dam inside him burst open and all of his desire came flooding through. Being apart from Kakashi for a moment longer felt unbearable.

He almost dropped the cups in his rush to put them down, crossed the living room in three strides and took Kakashi’s face in his hands, pushing his hitai-ate up into his hair. That dark eye widened and a flush bloomed across the bridge of Kakashi’s nose as Tenzō rested his forehead against his and breathed in his warmth.

“I want you, Kakashi,” he murmured. “God, I want you so much.”

Kakashi’s fingers curled around his forearms. “Tenzō...what–”

“Do I have to say it again before you’ll kiss me?” He ran his thumbs over Kakashi’s cheekbones, caught the top of the mask and started to drag it down.

Kakashi tightened his grip and wrenched Tenzō’s hands away from his face. “Don’t.”

Tenzō followed him backwards, freeing his hands and planting them firmly on Kakashi’s hips. “Just like we used to, okay? I want to.”

“No.”

He froze and looked at Kakashi’s face; his dark eye was pleading, almost pained. “What?”

“Please, Tenzō.”

The world seemed to come into focus around him, sharp and too loud. “Damn it,” he cursed. “God fucking dammit.” He turned away and slammed the side of his fist against the wall. “I knew this would happen.”

“You don’t understand,” Kakashi said. There was a tremor in his voice that reminded Tenzō of how he’d sounded by the fireside, vulnerable and weak. “Let me explain–”

“I don’t want an _explanation_ ,” Tenzō spat. All of his longing was condensing into humiliation and anger and he walked further away from Kakashi, half-afraid his next punch might land on the other man’s face if he didn’t. “It’s taken me so long to admit that I want you, maybe even love you, but you don’t care at all. You never cared.”

“Tenzō, listen to me.”

Some note of sheer desperation in Kakashi’s tone made him turn around but he didn’t raise his eyes. “Explain it, then. Tell me why you’ve been trying so hard to get close to me and make me fall for you again, just to tell me no. Is it a game to you?”

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi said. “I never thought you’d be the one to make the first move.”

Tenzō stared at him. “So that’s it. You just want to control me like you did before.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Kakashi said. “I’m just...trying to do this the right way.”

“Trying to do what?” Tenzō snapped. “You’ve never felt anything for me, that’s obvious.”

“Don’t say that,” Kakashi said. “You don’t know what I feel.”

“I do now,” Tenzō said. “I finally see it. You don’t have any feelings at all. Not for anyone other than yourself.”

He took a breath to say more but it caught in his throat as a tear spilled over Kakashi’s eyelashes and soaked into his mask. He’d never seen him cry before, not in ten years. The sight cut him like a blunt edged sword. His anger fell away and for all that he wanted to hate Kakashi in that moment, he couldn’t.

“Shit. I’m sorry.”

Kakashi shook his head and scrubbed his eyes quickly with his sleeve. “It’s okay. You have every right.”

“No,” Tenzō said, “I don’t want to hurt you. I just really thought that this time–but I should have known better. It’s always been so complicated with you.” He sighed between gritted teeth. “I’m sick of it, Kakashi.”

“I don’t do it on purpose,” Kakashi said. “Honestly. There are things I need to tell you, but...I don’t know where to start. I don’t know if I can even explain it all.”

“I need to hear something,” Tenzō said, taking a step closer. “If you don’t want me the way I want you, I wish you’d just tell me. Just...end it” He let out a shaky breath. “Being strung along has been so much worse.”

Kakashi’s shoulders dropped. “I’m very good at making everything worse, you know.”

He’d wanted to slap Kakashi barely a minute before but now he only wished he could erase the sadness in his eye and the defeat in his posture. 

“If it was a straightforward no, you’d tell me, right? You wouldn’t have said all those things the other night.”

“It’s not a no,” Kakashi said. “The trouble is, I’m not sure it can be a yes, either.”

Tenzō touched Kakashi’s arm gently then eased his hand out of his pocket so that he could hold it. Kakashi didn’t pull away from his touch. All was still a mess of uncertainty but the warmth of Kakashi’s fingers against his palm felt right in a way that nothing else did. Even when Kakashi seemed to be doing his best to push him away, Tenzō couldn’t believe that their story ended that way, with them apart. Kakashi’s skin touching his wouldn’t have felt so electric, so exciting and soothing all at once, like waking up on the first day of spring or getting caught in a summer rainstorm.

“The others said I should talk to you,” Tenzō said. “They thought you might just be afraid.”

Kakashi didn’t affirm or deny this, instead asking, “The others?”

“Kurenai, Asuma and Gai.”

Kakashi tilted his head. “You talked to them about me?”

“It was more like they talked at me about you. But yes.”

Kakashi looked down at their joined hands, rubbing his thumb over Tenzō’s knuckles.“I guess I should be angry about it. Tell them to mind their own business or some such.” 

“Please tell me what’s going on,” Tenzō said. “Start anywhere. I just need _something_ that makes sense. Please, Kakashi.”

“I can’t promise that,” Kakashi said, “but I’ll try my best.” He took a deep breath. “Yesterday at the lake, I got caught in a genjutsu. It was when you ran off to help Sai. A mist rose from the water, and when it happened, I saw…” He broke off and closed his eyes. “When we met, my whole team was dead, mostly because of me. I thought I was cursed. I kept almost everyone away. Except for you.”

“I’m still here, aren't I?”

Kakashi sighed and opened his eye. Tenzō thought he could see more tears there. “I left the others alone yesterday because I wanted to fight with you, like we used to in Team Ro. I really missed it, Tenzō. I didn’t realise until you were assigned to my team, but I’ve been missing you for years. That’s why we weren’t there with the others when it started and that’s why Kiba got hurt. We were the only two jōnin on that mission, we never should have been fighting as a two man team like that. It’s the worst strategy we could have used and it was my fault.”

His words hit Tenzō hard. He dropped Kakashi’s hand, deflated. “I didn’t argue with your strategy,” he said. “I could have. I wanted to be alone with you, too.”

“In the genjutsu, I saw all of them die,” Kakashi said.

“Nobody died. No one really even got hurt.”

“It’s why I left ANBU,” Kakashi said. “Not the only reason, but a big part of it. When you jumped in front of those shuriken to save me, Tenzō...I couldn’t do it anymore. Caring about me has only ever gotten people hurt or killed.”

Tenzō swallowed and sat down on the low coffee table, not trusting his legs to keep supporting him. “I used to think that bonds were a liability, but they’re not. The reason that we won yesterday was because of how much I care about those kids and about you. Wanting to protect all of you is what pushed me to be my best, to fight as hard as I could, and it was the same for Naruto and for every one of us. Maybe you made one bad call on one mission, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care about people.”

“I know that now,” Kakashi said. “There are people I care deeply about, you’ve seen that for yourself. But yesterday it was like I was proving myself right. The old me, Cold-Hearted Kakashi. The one who was afraid to get close to anyone.”

Tenzō looked up at him with wide eyes. “You should have told me all of this. We could have talked about it.”

Kakashi looked away. “You’re probably right, but I’d gotten past it. That’s more the reason why we weren’t something more back in ANBU.”

“Because you were afraid I’d get hurt? Jesus, Kakashi.” Tenzō sagged forward, his elbows on his knees. “I was a shinobi too, was’t I? I was more than capable of–”

“So was Obito,” Kakashi cut in. “So was Minato, so was Rin. They all died anyway. But that’s not the point. I have been reaching out to you these past few weeks, you weren’t imagining that and it wasn’t a game or a joke to me, but...well, there was another reason we were never...more.”

Tenzō frowned and spoke haltingly. “Do you just not want to be together?”

“I want to,” Kakashi said quickly. “But...probably not in the same way that you do.”

He watched Kakashi who refused to meet his eye. “You mean just as friends?”

Kakashi sighed, shifting his weight from foot to foot. “You have to at least suspect something by now.”

“You’re hard to read,” Tenzō said flatly, echoing Asuma.

“Maybe we should have that tea now.”

Tenzō ignored the request. “I don’t know what you’re trying to say.”

“Fine, I’ll make it myself.” Kakashi walked abruptly into the kitchen and Tenzō followed close behind.

“What else, Kakashi?”

Kakashi had his back to Tenzō and his hands in a cupboard, clattering with cups and saucers. He fumbled and knocked a cup onto the counter; it tinkled noisily and he flinched back before gingerly picking it up by the handle. It was still in one piece but now had a large chip on the rim.

“I’m sorry. I’ll replace it.”

“I don’t care about the cup,” Tenzō said quietly. Kakashi put it down gently then bent to rest his forearms on the counter, his head bowed.

“How many people have you slept with since I left ANBU?”

Tenzō flushed, first with surprise and then, as the question registered, with indignation. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Will you answer the question, please?”

“I didn’t keep count,” he bit out. “What does it even matter?”

“So let’s say it’s five, or ten, or twenty, whatever.” Kakashi carefully measured tea out into the teapot and set the kettle to boil. “You’re right, the number doesn’t matter all that much.”

“Then why did you ask me?”

“I asked you because…” Kakashi trailed off and blew out a breath. “Ah, I thought this would be easier to say.”

“Kakash–”

“My number is zero. That’s why I asked.”

Tenzō frowned. “What do you mean? What’s zero?”

Kakashi turned around and looked at him calmly, his arms folded over his chest. “I haven’t had sex with anybody since the last time I was with you.”

Completed sentences rose into Tenzō’s throat and promptly died there. He stared at Kakashi and tried to get his brain to work. “But how...you can’t mean...” His gaze dropped to his feet as he managed, weakly, “What we did wasn’t even sex. Not really.”

“Did you never wonder about that?” Kakashi asked, regarding him with narrowed eyes. “Didn’t you think it was strange that I never let you touch me?”

“I–yeah, it was strange, but I thought...”

“You thought what?”

_I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t somebody you wanted to be with. I wasn’t anyone special._

Tenzō shrugged, glancing up quickly and then away again. “I just thought that I wasn’t who you were looking for.”

Kakashi spoke his name gently but insistently. Reluctantly, he raised his eyes and kept them there. Kakashi smiled at him. His hitai-ate was still pushed up and Tenzō noticed, for the first time, the dimple by his eye that Guy had mentioned.

“I wasn’t looking for anyone,” Kakashi said, “but there you were.”

“You’re not making sense,” Tenzō said, although a lot of puzzle pieces from their past were beginning to fall into place.

“Everything we did back then,” Kakashi said, “I did all of it for you. _Only_ for you.”

Tenzō finally understood the whole and couldn’t believe that he’d missed it for so long. It seemed so obvious now. “You never wanted to have sex with me. With _anyone_.”

Kakashi nodded, a tense jerk of his chin. Tenzō let out a breath and stepped towards him. They met each other in the middle of the kitchen, Tenzō’s palm flat against Kakashi’s chest and Kakashi’s fingers in Tenzō’s hair.

“I’ve been giving you mixed signals for years, haven’t I?” Kakashi said. Tenzō fisted his hand in his shirt. “When I asked you to stop before, I only meant that I don’t...that is, I can’t...not physically, Tenzō.”

“You _can’t_?”

Kakashi scratched the back of his neck. “Well, I _can_. I just don’t ever really want to.”

“I. Ah. I think the tea will be ready by now.”

They sat stiffly on the futon cradling their cups. Tenzō was the first to break the silence.

“We could have been together this whole time. All of these years, Kakashi.”

The other man regarded him coolly. “Do you really think so, Tenzō?”

“If I’d known this.”

Kakashi sighed. “I tried to tell you, at least part of it. Do you remember our last night together?”

“At Tanabata?” He’d never really forgotten it, though he had tried. “You said you’d made mistakes.”

“I wanted to do something good for you,” Kakashi said, “that’s honestly why it happened the first time. But I knew you felt something for me and I knew you’d want to sleep with me, and I still kept going back to you. That was selfish.”

“That’s why you ended it?”

“I couldn’t keep ignoring how I was only making you miserable because I couldn’t reciprocate. Then you compromised your own safety in a mission for me and it was the last straw. I didn’t deserve that kind of sacrifice, not at all.”

Tenzō gave him a sideways glance. “You must have been getting something out of it, though. You didn’t carry on for as long as you did just for me.”

“I was getting a lot out of it, but I didn’t realise at the time. Well, I didn’t understand what I was feeling, anyway.” Kakashi took a deep breath like he was steeling himself for something. Tenzō waited. Finally the words came out in a rush. “It took me years to figure out that just because I didn’t want to have sex with you, it didn’t mean that I didn’t love you.”

Tenzō would have sworn that his heart really did skip a beat. “Then...did you?”

Kakashi shrugged despondently. “Yeah.”

“And...now?”

“We’ve been apart for a long time, Tenzō,” Kakashi said. “We’ve both changed a lot, haven’t we? I don’t know if we can just pick up where we left off.”

Tenzō put down his tea cup, sat back on the futon and covered his eyes with his arm. “If this turns out to be one of those ‘wrong place, wrong time’ things, I swear I’ll jump from the balcony.”

He felt Kakashi’s hand settle on his thigh. His throat tightened.

“If there’s anything you need to say to me right now, you can say it,” Kakashi said. “If you have any questions, if you want to scream at me, anything”

“There are probably a million things I should say. There’s so much we could talk about. But right now...I just can’t put anything into words.”

“It’s up to you,” Kakashi said. “Whatever you want to do, I’ll do it.”

“No.” Tenzō sighed and covered Kakashi’s hand with his own. “It has to be both of us. Otherwise it’ll just be like before.”

“I’ve told you what I needed to tell you,” Kakashi said. Tenzō glanced at him from beneath the crook of his elbow. “It’s not an apology, though. I know it doesn’t make everything right.”

“At least I understand you now. Part of you at least.” Tenzō smiled but it was brief, struggling to overlay the torment in his expression. “I spent so long pretending I was over you, Kakashi, but these last few weeks all of those feelings have come back. The bad as well as the good. On top of that, you’re right: being out of ANBU has changed me. I’ve learned a lot about who I really am and what’s been holding me back. It’s a good thing, it needed to happen, but it’s been completely overwhelming.”

“It was like that for me, too,” Kakashi said. “I didn’t relax into this life overnight, you know.”

“We have so much baggage,” Tenzō half-groaned and Kakashi snorted. “Seriously, it’s ridiculous. But you’re five years ahead of me. I’ve been through so much so quickly I feel like my feet have barely touched the ground. Now you’ve given me all of this new information to process as well, and–”

“Maybe it’s just too much,” Kakashi finished for him and he sighed.

“Yeah.”

“We could take some time apart. Try to figure things out.”

Tenzō dropped his arm and smiled wearily. “We’ve already been apart for years. We didn’t figure out shit.”

“This is why I’ve been single my whole life,” Kakashi said. “I’m terrible at this stuff.”

“You really are,” Tenzō said and saw the flash of humour in Kakashi’s eyes, the way they curved ever so slightly upwards. “Okay, say we do take some time apart. What then?”

Kakashi looked down at Tenzō’s hand resting on his. “I don’t know.”

“What if we give ourselves a deadline? We meet up after two weeks. If we still haven’t decided how we want to move forward by then…well, we’d know, wouldn’t we?”

Kakashi nodded quickly. “Okay.”

They let go of each other’s hands and Kakashi stood. Tenzō watched silently as he put on his shoes and strapped on his weapons pouches. At the threshold of the apartment he looked back, a hint of a plea in his voice. “Don’t be a stranger, alright?”

Tenzō’s eyes stung as he watched him leave. “I won’t.”

✽✦✽✦✽

He woke with a jolt and threw off the sheets, arms braced defensively in front of his face. Early morning sunlight greeted him through the slats of the blind. The walls of his bedroom were blank and white as he remembered them. All of his furniture was intact.

He was in his own apartment and he was safe.

Tenzō dropped his arms and blew out a breath as his heart rate slowed. He hated waking up that way, in a blind panic ready to fight a danger that didn’t exist. It didn’t happen every day, but often enough. Another curse of being a shinobi.

It was early enough in the day for him to fit in a Tai Chi session in the clearing. If anyone was watching they chose not to make their presence known and he didn’t waste time searching them out. He could ignore the prickle at the back of his neck for now.

Sakura came to fetch him for breakfast at eight. She was wearing jeans and trainers and the casual look suited her, he thought. Together they rounded up Naruto and Sai and headed into the village. An argument quickly broke out over where they should eat.

“Naruto, ramen is not a breakfast food!”

“Then why does it come with an egg on top, smarty pants?”

“Enough,” Tenzō said, patting both Naruto and Sakura heavily on the head until they scowled at him. “If I’m paying, then I choose where we eat.”

They bought bread, sweet bean paste and mandarins from the market and Tenzō took them to his clearing.

Naruto scrunched up his face. “What is this place?”

“It’s where I come to be alone, usually. I want to share it with you all.”

Sai walked slowly around the clearing, touching each tree reverently. “You planted these?”

“Many of them, yes.”

“It’s beautiful,” Sakura said and gave him a short bow. “Thank you for sharing it with us.”

“I bet you could make us a really cool treehouse here!” Naruto said.

Sakura scowled at him. “Treehouses are for babies, Naruto.”

“No they’re not, they’re really cool! Could you make one, Captain Yamato?”

Tenzō smiled at him. “Right now?”

“Yeah, yeah!” Naruto bounced with excitement and Tenzō brought his hands together in the Mokuton seal.

“Okay, stand back.”

Moments later a small treehouse sat in the branches of a sturdy tree close by and Naruto clapped his hands with glee. “Awesome! We have a clubhouse now! We should always come here for official team business.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Sakura said, but she was smiling.

Naruto was already halfway up the wooden ladder. “Oh cool, there’s even a table up here! Thanks, Yamato!”

They ate their breakfast in their new treehouse and afterwards Naruto practised wind techniques while Sai sketched the wildflowers and Sakura prodded Tenzō for stories about his ANBU missions. All in all, it wasn’t a bad way to spend a morning.

✽✦✽✦✽

On another day Gai called on him for lunch and, after they’d eaten, insisted on taking him to a tailor to have him fitted for a jumpsuit.

“Ah, but which colour would be best?”

“None of them,” Tenzō said, submitting to being measured with gritted teeth.

Gai tutted. “Come, come. If it doesn’t improve your speed by at least ten percent, I will do ten thousand push ups!”

He tried on jumpsuits in a multitude of colours, all of them uncomfortable, but Gai applauded each time he emerged from the fitting room and Tenzō blushed and laughed and even if it was a very strange experience, it was a lot of fun too.

He managed to escape without making a purchase but not without a promise to have dinner with Gai and his team the following night.

✽✦✽✦✽

The weather stayed fine and the days in Konoha slipped past quickly. It must have been a week before he realised that he wasn’t thinking about ANBU anymore. He no longer missed it.

✽✦✽✦✽

Once or twice he followed Kakashi to the memorial stone, like he had used to do a long time ago. He thought of talking to him, of inviting him to breakfast with the team, but he couldn’t get the words to form. He stayed in the shadows instead and if Kakashi knew that he was there, he didn’t show it.

✽✦✽✦✽

He ran into Asuma one day at the market and they exchanged friendly greetings. Shikamaru was with him and he nodded politely at Tenzō.

“Are you going to Tanabata this year?” Asuma asked him and he started.

“What? Is it July already?”

Asuma laughed heartily. “You ought to buy yourself a calendar, Yamato. The festival is tomorrow.”

“You still go?”

“Every year. We bring the whole team along, too. It’s a lot of fun, isn’t it, Shika?”

Shikamaru shrugged. “I prefer watching clouds to stars, but it’s okay, I guess.”

“He loves it,” Asuma said, slapping his student on the back hard enough to force a startled grunt out of him. “So what do you say?”

“I hadn’t planned on going,” Tenzō said.

“Ah, come on! Gai and Kurenai will be there, too. Bring the kids, it’ll be a blast.”

He hesitated. “Does Kakashi still go there?”

Asuma took time to light a cigarette. “Sometimes, if Gai can drag him there. Not every year.”

“I’ll ask the team,” Tenzō said. “I don’t think they’ll want to go, though.”

They all wanted to go. Naruto in particular looked ready to burst with glee but even the normally reserved Sai seemed cheered by the prospect.

“I’ve never been to a festival. What are they like?”

“They’re so much fun!” Naruto told him. “Iruka-sensei took me once when I was younger. There’s food and games and fireworks and lots of people and everyone is happy.”

“It would be nice,” Sakura said, slipping her hand into Tenzō’s. “We’ll have to hire yukata, you know.”

“Gross, I’m not wearing one of those.”

“Naruto, you’re such a brat!”

“I am not, I just don’t want to wear a dress!”

“A yukata is not a dress, idiot!”

Sai turned to Tenzō with a bewildered look. “When do we start being happy?”

“They’re happy,” he replied, grinning. “They just show it through yelling at each other.”

“I see,” Sai said thoughtfully, then abruptly shouted “You’re both idiots!”

“What?” Sakura screamed and Tenzō burst out laughing.

✽✦✽✦✽

Team Yamato and Team Gai travelled to the festival together, to the only village that Tenzō had ever spent Tanabata in. It seemed that he and Kakashi had inadvertently popularised it after being seen there.

“It was all Asuma and Kurenai could talk about, you know,” Gai told him as they walked up the winding path towards the village centre. “Anywhere that Kakashi went was instantly cool. Of course, he stopped going after everyone else found out about it, but it really is a very charming village.”

“He didn’t go with you, that next year?”

Gai stroked his chin. “No. As I remember, he told me he had a mission in Sand that week. Which was strange, because I couldn’t see any posted missions like that. I always signed up for missions with him if I could. I like to think it helped at least somewhat.”

“Helped with what?”

“Kakashi wasn’t himself when he first left ANBU. Or rather, he was very much himself, but a version that I thought he’d left behind years before. Very withdrawn, barely leaving his house aside from missions.”

Tenzō rubbed the back of his neck. “He’s not the most social person.”

“You are very right, my friend, but even so. It took a lot of rallying of his spirits and a great many challenges before he emerged as the hip rival of mine that he is today!”

“Ah,” Tenzō said.

“I don’t imagine you would know anything about why he might have been so low in spirits at that time?” Gai gave him a knowing look and he coughed and turned away.

They reached the market stalls and Naruto’s excited chatter filled the air.

“Wow, gyoza! It smells so good! Come on, Sakura!”

“Naruto, let go of my arm!”

Tenzō stopped walking and watched the teens with a soft smile on his face. Lee chivalrously offered Sakura his arm and she took it, poking her tongue out at Naruto. Meanwhile, Sai and Neji had formed a friendship that seemingly consisted of glaring at the other four in silent judgement.

Gai put an arm around his shoulders. “It’s wonderful just to watch them sometimes, isn’t it? The flowering youth of Konoha!”

He nodded. “It reminds me of how much life there is in the world. How much that’s worth protecting.”

“Indeed. Now! Let us make our Tanabata wishes!”

They met up with Teams Asuma and Kurenai shortly afterwards. Naruto and Chōji seemed intent on trying every single food available, much to the disgust of the girls. Shikamaru tagged along after them with his usual air of weariness, but Tenzō saw him pay for extra dango for his two friends. Ino and Sakura embraced fondly and Shino and Hinata joined Neji and Sai in their quietly contemplative group.

Tenzō drifted over to the other jōnin. “It’s good to see you both.”

“Likewise,” Kurenai said. “I love your yukata.”

“Thank you,” he said, glancing down at himself. His yukata was white with a blue pattern of willow branches and a blue sash. He felt a little like a porcelain cup wearing it but the sales clerk had told him that it suited his colouring and it had been within his budget so he’d hired it.

They left the children to run riot through the streets while they enjoyed the festival at a more leisurely pace. Tenzō felt at ease and it was very pleasant to feel so. He had found true friendship with the three jōnin, something that he hadn’t realised was missing in his life until he gained it. He’d spent so many years wrapped up in himself, blind to his surroundings like a flower bud tightly closed to protect its centre. But there could be no growth without willingness to share oneself with the outside world, vulnerabilities and all, even if that sometimes meant the death of the old to make way for the birth of the new. He knew now that some risks were always worth the leap of faith and he accepted that it was long past time for him to bloom.

Just before the fireworks were due to start Tenzō slipped away from the group and walked to the hill where he and Kakashi had always gone together. The area was busier than he’d ever known it to be and the grass was dotted with couples in intimate poses–heads bowed, hands clasped, legs tangled. It felt right that people should be there and that he should be among them as a reflection of his recent entry into society proper. It was a fitting scene to mark the end of his self-imposed isolation. He was alone at that moment, though, and he felt a twinge of sadness although it was tempered by his overall contentment. He had grown so much in such a short time, but he supposed that nobody got to have everything that they wanted. Maybe he had found what he really needed instead.

As he was pondering this, a solitary figure rose from the grass and began walking towards him. His pulse became a hard thump in his throat.

“Hi,” he said.

Kakashi thrust his hands into the pockets of his yukata. “Hello.”

“You’re here,” Tenzō said.

“I am.” Kakashi ducked his head. “I know it hasn’t been two weeks yet, but...I thought I might find you here.”

“How long have you been waiting?”

Kakashi smiled without looking at him. “My whole life, I think.”

Tenzō swallowed and took one of Kakashi's hands. He wasn’t wearing gloves and the warmth of his skin was surprising. “I suppose it’s time we finished that talk.”

The fireworks started at that moment and Kakashi tugged on his hand. “Come on. I know a place.”

They went deeper into the trees and walked up one of them until they were hidden amongst the foliage. The tree was sturdy but the branches were narrow; Kakashi claimed a branch for himself and Tenzō took one slightly lower. He looked out at the village, what he could see of it through the dense leaves.

“The view is terrible from up here,” he said, although he couldn’t have cared much less about the fireworks.

Kakashi leant against the tree trunk and tilted his head back to look up through the leaves. “Does it bother you?”

Tenzō cleared his throat. “The view? Or–”

“Any of it.”

Tenzō took in what Kakashi was wearing for the first time–his yukata was of the same design as he himself had worn the last time they’d been to the festival together, deep blue with white stitching like lightning. In place of his usual mask he had tied a white kerchief over his nose and mouth and his eyes were completely uncovered. Something turned over in Tenzō’s chest as he looked at him. He’d been rehearsing what he might say when they met again, veering back and forth between possible scenarios, never quite sure of what his final decision would be. But even if he hadn’t been sure, his heart had known. It told him so now with its too-hard thump in his chest. He took a breath that didn’t make it any easier to push the words out.

“I can’t promise that it won’t ever be a problem for me.”

Kakashi was trying to look disinterested but his posture screamed of tension. Tenzō used Mokuton to bridge the gap between them, a wooden platform springing to life from his fingertips. He closed the distance slowly and kept his eyes on his feet, struggling to express his true feelings.

“After you, after _us_...I spent a long time looking for something more,” he said. “You were always holding back and I could feel it, and now I know you never wanted sex, either. I tried for years to find someone better, but...I couldn’t. No one even came close.” He glanced up at Kakashi who was watching him impassively. “If we were together...if being with you now could make me feel half as good as it did before, even less than half.” He huffed out a nervous laugh. “And I don’t mean in bed. I mean everything else. All the time I spent with you, coming to this place every year and feeling like I was seeing a part of you that no one else ever did.”

“Tell me, Tenzō,” Kakashi said quietly. His fingers were twisted in the sleeves of his yukata.

“I want to be with you,” Tenzō said. “It’s what I’ve always wanted.”

Kakashi blew out a breath and closed his eyes. “You know, not wanting sex isn’t even my worst quality. I’m a lousy conversationalist. I’m arrogant. I’m stubborn and I’m selfish and I’m too accustomed to being on my own. I’m an old man set in my ways. I wouldn’t waste my time, if I were you.”

Tenzō stepped forward, close enough to hear the whisper of Kakashi’s breathing and see his eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks. He cupped his face in one hand and Kakashi leaned into the touch.

“Are you telling me to walk away?”

Kakashi opened his eye to reveal a storm of emotions in its dark depths; fear and hope and pain and love. “I wish you wouldn’t,” he said and pulled Tenzō into his arms.

Warmth burst through him like pollen scattering in the summer sun.

“I want to be with you, too” Kakashi murmured against his shoulder. “Whatever that means for me. I’ve never been any good without you, Tenzō.”

“You have,” Tenzō said, stroking Kakashi’s hair.

“I might not be what you expect me to be.”

“I’d hope not.” Tenzō smiled even as tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. “God, you kept me waiting for so damn long.”

“Hmm, I think I was really waiting for you,” Kakashi said, then leaned back and slipped the kerchief down to his neck like the action meant nothing. Tenzō’s eyes widened and then his smile stretched into a grin as he brushed his thumb over the corner of Kakashi’s mouth.

“You know there was a pool going in ANBU about what you were hiding under that mask. The most popular pick was fangs. Like a dog.”

Kakashi smiled and it was wonderful to see him smile with his lips as well as his eyes. “I know.”

“Has anyone else in Konoha seen your face?”

“Gai has.”

“He has? When? Why?”

Kakashi shrugged easily. “He challenged me to take my mask off. I had to do it.”

Tenzō slumped. “That was all I had to do to see your face all these years? Challenge you?”

Kakashi sighed and toyed with the kerchief at his throat. “Listen. My friendship with Gai has always been easy because all he ever wanted from me was my attention. You, Tenzō…”

“I was too needy? Is that it?”

“Don’t be jealous of Gai, okay?”

He flushed. “I’m not!”

“He’s my oldest and dearest friend,” Kakashi said. He took Tenzō’s hands and squeezed. “You can’t take his place, but you don’t need to. You have your own place. Do you understand?”

Tenzō looked away. “I understand why we never...why it was never more between us. But I still spent the better part of ten years thinking I meant nothing to you, you know.”

“Tenzō,” Kakashi breathed, then dragged him forwards into a clumsy kiss. He stumbled and their teeth knocked together and Kakashi pulled back, laughing. “Sorry. I haven’t had much practise.”

“I don’t care,” Tenzō said and pressed their lips together. Kakashi opened his mouth and met his tongue with his own and Tenzō gasped and broke away with a shaky breath. “You’ll tell me if you’re uncomfortable, won’t you?”

“It would be difficult to talk if your tongue was in my mouth,” Kakashi replied, making him blush again.

“I’m serious, Kakashi! Please promise me.”

“You should know by now that I’m not the type to be pushed around,” Kakashi said and before Tenzō could blink he dropped into a crouch and swept his legs out from underneath him. Tenzō landed hard on his back on the wooden platform with a surprised ‘oof’ and then Kakashi was straddling his chest and grinning down at him.

“You see? I can handle myself.”

“Handle this,” Tenzō said and yanked him down into another kiss. This time he didn’t hold back at all, kissing Kakashi as thoroughly as he had always wanted to and often dreamed about. Kakashi pulled back to laugh again and shifted to lie on top of him, accidentally kneeling on his hand in the process. Tenzō bit his lower lip then licked his mouth open again and Kakashi laughed against his tongue and put his hands in Tenzō’s hair. The moment was clumsy and imperfect but Tenzō couldn’t imagine anything better; it was real and fun and it felt true to everything that they were and had always been together. He held Kakashi close and stroked his back and Kakashi hummed into their kiss and Tenzō couldn’t think of anything in his life that had ever felt so good. He withdrew just to see Kakashi’s face again and grinned at the blush he could barely see in the light from the paper lanterns below and the stars overhead. Kakashi kissed him softly on the mouth and cheeks and chin over and over again and Tenzō could feel his smile against his skin. Kakashi’s kisses promised a future and he drank them in until he felt that he might drown.

“You’re sure you’ve never done this before?” he asked breathlessly.

“Only in my dreams,” Kakashi said with a leer and pecked him quickly on the lips.

He touched Kakashi’s mouth again, amazed. “That mask is a crime against humanity, you know.”

Kakashi grinned but before he could answer a shout rang out from the ground.

“Oi, Yamato!”

Tenzō groaned. “They found us.”

“Someone must have tipped them off,” Kakashi said. “We have a spy in our midst.” Quick as a flash he pulled the kerchief up over his face and jumped out of the tree. There were exclamations below and he heard Kakashi saying “Yamato? No, I haven’t seen him at all. Maybe he went back to the inn.”

He moved into a crouch just in time for Sakura’s head to pop up beside him. He dropped his head and groaned.

“Hi!” Sakura said brightly. “I hope we didn’t interrupt anything.” Tenzō glowered at her but couldn’t keep up the pretence; she saw through it and gave him a sly look. “I hope he wasn’t too rough with you.”

“I’m scandalised,” he deadpanned. “Kakashi was just showing me a new kunai technique.”

“I bet he was!” Sakura exclaimed, then dropped out of the tree giggling wildly. “I found him, everyone!”

Tenzō walked down the trunk of the tree slowly, hoping his blush would fade by the time he reached the ground. It didn’t. “Um. Hi.”

“Yamato, you missed the fireworks,” Naruto whined.

He steadfastly refused to meet Kakashi’s eye. “I guess we’ll have to come again next year, then.”

“Yeah!”

As they all strolled back towards the edge of the village and their respective inns for the night, Kakashi fell into step beside him and took his hand.

“I’m really sorry. For all of it.”

“Don’t be,” Tenzō said, squeezing his fingers. “It is what it is. We can’t change the past.”

“That’s very wise of you, kōhai,” Kakashi teased. “Did the Tai Chi teach you that?”

“I think life taught me that,” Tenzō said. “And besides, you have a long time to make it up to me, don’t you?”

Kakashi smiled and it was thrilling to know how brilliant the expression looked on his uncovered face.

“I suppose I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you thank you thank you for making it to the end of my very first fic in this fandom. It's dedicated to my best friend in the whole world [writingshipper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingshipper/pseuds/writingshipper) who dragged me kicking and screaming into this fandom and didn't laugh in my face when I flipped from saying 'I will never have any interest in anime please stop spamming me' to 'I LOVE THIS STUPID SHOW' almost overnight.
> 
> Please also check my bookmarks and if you haven't read the Naruto fics I've saved please do - all of them were inspirations and all of them are wonderful.
> 
> I have plans for a smutty follow-up to this, watch this space.


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